So I've been thinking a lot about these two new commenters. Who are they? Where did they come from? No one could have possibly linked to my blog, I'm far too untalented, bizarre, and esoteric for that. Could it be John Mayer trying to play mind games with me? Naw, Mayer wouldn't respond with such hostility, he'd go write a mediocre emotionless song about it. Could it be disgruntled Cirque du Soleil employees? Naw, the language is a bit harsh for that. Could it be middle aged women? Quite possibly, but one guy says his name is Paul. So what does that leave? God help me! Wait...that's it...oh my goodness...
JESUS CHRIST HIMSELF IS COMMENTING ON MY BLOG!
Jesus has a puppy too!
Yes, the only logical conclusion is that Jesus Himself is sending me messages in the comment section of this blog as the person who calls himself, "anonymous". Ha, that Jesus, so humble that he won't even post his name. Well I have figured it out Lord! You are my shepherd! This means that the person who calls himself, "paul" is in fact, St. Paul the Apostle.
Does it matter that anonymous dropped the f bomb and called me a douche bag? NO
Does it matter that He insulted my profession in the food service industry? NO
Does it matter that He referred to me with a bigoted term for homosexual? NO
Does it matter that he heckles me in telling me that you shouldn't heckle people creating hypocritical circular logic? NO
Does it matter that comparing a food service industry profession with meager wages and benefits to playing a game for a living causing no basis for comparison other the fact that they're both jobs? NO
Does it matter that Paul insults my salary without knowing my actual wages at Taco Bell? NO****
Does it matter that the only heckling I actually say that I did was in German, a language the players don't speak? NO
Does it matter that it would actually add some spice to my day of making chalupas in Taco Bell if someone burst in and started heckling me in German? NO
Does it matter that He thinks that everyone needs to have strong arms rather than the little pussy ass arms I have? NO
Does it matter that they respond to other peoples comments as if I said them when clearly I wasn't involved because I actually have a blog where I can post things? NO
What matters is that He is risen, and has brought Paul with him! I am your servant Lord. I was wrong to heckle those ball players! You are right! Guide my lost soul! Teach me some gnarly curls so I can have huge ripped arms like you Jesus! Tell me why I shouldn't be wearing a tampon during baseball games! Tell me how not to be a douchebag and be awesome like you! I am your humble servant! I promise I will never heckle again. Thank you for putting me in my place Jesus, you of all people know that marginalizing someone with swears and bigoted slurs is the way to change them for the positive. Thank you.
Everybody praise Jesus with me, for I once was lost, but now am found, was blind, but now I see...
****I have changed my mind about this one. It actually does matter that he insulted my salary because Paul says, "And Ill bet my life you're never going to see as much money as those guys make in a month!" Well the guy I claim to have heckled with German insults is Ryan Langerhans. I looked him up on espn.com and he has a 2007 salary of $410,000. This of course makes his monthly salary $34,167. I work 42 hours a week at Taco Bell making chalupas and I make $8.50 an hour. I work 49 weeks a year because I get 3 weeks vacation. This means I make $17,493 a year. Ignoring taxes, even though he is in a higher bracket, and going off of the safe assumption that I live in my mother's basement and eat her food and Taco Bell all the time, this means that I would, in fact, see as much money as he makes in a month in less than two years as 17,493 x 2 = 34,986 > 34,167. Paul officially loses this bet and must lose his life or give it over to me. He's obviously going to choose giving it over to me because killing himself would send him to Hell where he couldn't be BFF with Jesus anymore.
JESUS CHRIST HIMSELF IS COMMENTING ON MY BLOG!
Jesus has a puppy too!
Yes, the only logical conclusion is that Jesus Himself is sending me messages in the comment section of this blog as the person who calls himself, "anonymous". Ha, that Jesus, so humble that he won't even post his name. Well I have figured it out Lord! You are my shepherd! This means that the person who calls himself, "paul" is in fact, St. Paul the Apostle.
Does it matter that anonymous dropped the f bomb and called me a douche bag? NO
Does it matter that He insulted my profession in the food service industry? NO
Does it matter that He referred to me with a bigoted term for homosexual? NO
Does it matter that he heckles me in telling me that you shouldn't heckle people creating hypocritical circular logic? NO
Does it matter that comparing a food service industry profession with meager wages and benefits to playing a game for a living causing no basis for comparison other the fact that they're both jobs? NO
Does it matter that Paul insults my salary without knowing my actual wages at Taco Bell? NO****
Does it matter that the only heckling I actually say that I did was in German, a language the players don't speak? NO
Does it matter that it would actually add some spice to my day of making chalupas in Taco Bell if someone burst in and started heckling me in German? NO
Does it matter that He thinks that everyone needs to have strong arms rather than the little pussy ass arms I have? NO
Does it matter that they respond to other peoples comments as if I said them when clearly I wasn't involved because I actually have a blog where I can post things? NO
What matters is that He is risen, and has brought Paul with him! I am your servant Lord. I was wrong to heckle those ball players! You are right! Guide my lost soul! Teach me some gnarly curls so I can have huge ripped arms like you Jesus! Tell me why I shouldn't be wearing a tampon during baseball games! Tell me how not to be a douchebag and be awesome like you! I am your humble servant! I promise I will never heckle again. Thank you for putting me in my place Jesus, you of all people know that marginalizing someone with swears and bigoted slurs is the way to change them for the positive. Thank you.
Everybody praise Jesus with me, for I once was lost, but now am found, was blind, but now I see...
****I have changed my mind about this one. It actually does matter that he insulted my salary because Paul says, "And Ill bet my life you're never going to see as much money as those guys make in a month!" Well the guy I claim to have heckled with German insults is Ryan Langerhans. I looked him up on espn.com and he has a 2007 salary of $410,000. This of course makes his monthly salary $34,167. I work 42 hours a week at Taco Bell making chalupas and I make $8.50 an hour. I work 49 weeks a year because I get 3 weeks vacation. This means I make $17,493 a year. Ignoring taxes, even though he is in a higher bracket, and going off of the safe assumption that I live in my mother's basement and eat her food and Taco Bell all the time, this means that I would, in fact, see as much money as he makes in a month in less than two years as 17,493 x 2 = 34,986 > 34,167. Paul officially loses this bet and must lose his life or give it over to me. He's obviously going to choose giving it over to me because killing himself would send him to Hell where he couldn't be BFF with Jesus anymore.
1 comment:
kenny havok... are you sure you're not the second coming of the messiah?
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