Monday, March 19, 2007

Ogresmash: Middle Aged Women

Now I am a young male, liberal and (semi?) intelligent. I am by no means a misogynist and I love the company of women aged 18-30ish. I don't know what I would do without the fairer sex. But, it's no secret that my worst fear is middle aged women. I know it's difficult to picture Kenny Havok with any fear, but it's true; I'm scared of middle aged women. This new pontiac commercial is just killing me, it sends me into cold shivers every time I see it. In it there's a middle aged women who tells me N-O no I can't get a convertible! Then she wants to know what's next an amp? And she MOCKS THE DEVIL HORNS! Listen bitch, when you start mocking the cock rock, you're gonna get my foot so far up your ass I might lose the Zubaz. But really, what is wrong with you? All you want to do is watch Oprah, censor music, prevent me from buying a bad ass car and kick ass amp, and talk to your friends about how other kids are a bad influence on your kid. Oh boo fucking hoo, your son (who is probably named Conner or Tanner, but that is a WHOLE OTHER POST) is getting a C- in math because other kids are a bad influence! NO BITCH, it's because he's got your dumbass genes in him. Don't you have to go be scared about killer bees and bird flu and other fake problems only you care about? Leave me alone to rock!

Let's examine the age groups of women:

Aged 0-18: They're kids, they're supposed to be annoying as hell regardless of sex.

Aged 18-30ish:
  1. Smoking Hot? Check
  2. Like to party? Check
  3. Have a sense of humor? Check
  4. Have shown signs of intelligence? Check
  5. Are generally a ton of fun? Check

I happen to like women my age.

Aged 30ish-60ish:
  1. Drive a minivan? Check
  2. Name their kid douchy names? Check
  3. Hate music not recorded by people named Norah Jones? Check
  4. Watch Oprah? Check
  5. Are afraid of everything? Check
  6. Are unable to process coherant logic? Check

I wonder if he realizes he's married to Manbearpig?


Women aged 60ish-beyond:
  1. Give you totally awesome shit like small jars of good and plenty's and cough drops? Check
  2. Give you $5 all the time even when you're 23? Check
  3. Like watching cartoons? Check
  4. Get drunk easily with no regrets? Check
Luckily things even out and women become awesome again in the later years.


And she's hot too!

I am going to have the worst mid-life crisis ever. This is why I need to take the motorcycle lessons now.

1 comment:

CoEd San said...

non stop laughing! 4 stars! two big thumbs up! a rising phenomenon of a blogger!