How to Punk Ashton Kutcher

I don't watch much reality TV, but there's one show I watch and it's Beauty and the Geek, produced by Ashton Kutcher. Most of you reading probably understand the premise, but basically they pair one beautiful, yet not so academically inclined woman, with a smart, but socially inept man. The pair has to compete in challenges every week, the women's challenges are usually centered around something smart or guy like, and the guy's challenges are about pop culture or social skills. Winners of the challenges get to choose two teams to the quiz elimination room, and you get the picture. Final team gets $250,000 as prize money.

Now this show fascinates me for a number of reasons. First, it plays to stereotypes, is sexist, and is incredibly hilarious because of how awkward the guys are. Now I got to thinking the other day. How easy would it be to win this show as am intelligent, yet not socially retarded guy? I need to fake my way on to this show.

Now at this point I'm already a leg up on the rest of the guys for getting the $250,000. I've got the pop culture shit down, I know pop music, I have a basic understanding of celebrity culture, and I even know a few designers here and there (Marc Jacobs is my boy). Of course, other teams might realize my relative strength right away, but if that happens and I'm bullied (by nerds!) I can just go into, "Oh my gosh look at his beautiful metamorphasis into a social guy" phase immediately and hook up with the slutty beauty (or beauties).

OK, now on to how I'm going to pull this off. You're probably thinking to yourself, "LOLZ Havok you are so bad ass you could never be a NERRRRRD I would totally give you a wedgie." Well like Clark Kent to Superman, Normal Ken has some nerdy tendencies when he's not his normal Havok self. SO, off we go!

1. Fashion

So the key to this process is going full on nerdy without going so over the top that it's obvious I'm a con-man in every step. So with fashion you gotta go with something you see people wearing that might make you say, "you can't wear that" to your friend or boyfriend, but won't make you say, YEAH RIGHT JACK ASS (snakeskin belts and cowboy outfits anyone?). The answer: Jorts, high white socks, white sneakers, and a tucked in short sleeve collared shirt.




Ok this is a trial run, so i'm open to suggestions in the comments section, but here's the logic (nerd word!):

The jorts say "I'm either completely clueless or a hick", the tucked in short sleeve shirt says, "no, I'm definitely clueless" and the high white socks in the VELCRO white sneakers say, "oh jeezum crow what a nerd".

2. Appearance

I need to grow a mustache. A freaking 24 yr old in a mustache screams nerd. No hair gel, in fact no showering in the mornings so that my hair looks stupid as hell. Glasses would help, a nice little Dwight Shrute pair would rock.


3. Interests and Hobbies

OK, the closer to reality for alter ego normal Ken these are, the easier they'll be able to pull off. It's probably a bad idea to admit these, but the 15 people that read this blog know this shit already anyway. First, I have a fascination with Spongebob Squarepants. I have a clock, DVD's, video games, etc. Spongebob is hilarious and not appropriate for someone my age. Instant nerdiness there. Second, for actual work, and from college, I have three calculators, including my awesome actuarial financial calculator. I need to carry this around at all times and randomly calculate shit. Beauty says, "I really like diamonds teehee" and I can bust out the calculator and say, "mmmmmmmmmeeeeeeehhhhhhh the average karat of a diamond is 12.3 which works out to a gross price of $528 per diamond with transportation expenses running $42 per diamond and with a profit margin of 10.8% with an interest of 4% compounded continuously the diamond will be worth $896 in ten years mehhhh".

Speaking of continuous interest, I'm AN ACTUARY by trade, I'm already a nerd. This can work easily, since I'm tits at math and people that are tits at math are giant nerds. I know shit about science too and the periodic table. Also, I used to be in marching band in college for 2 years, if you don't think that's nerdy than holy fuck take up the clarinet for a couple years and you will understand. (Editors Note: Havok played trumpet, not a pussy instrument like clarinet)


4. Mannerisms

This is the hardest one. It's very difficult to figure out mannerisms and stick to them without seeming just plain creepy as opposed to nerdy. After all, these geeks in the show always come across as completely genuine. So here's my plan: start writing down absolutely everything that my roomate in Milwaukee says and does and mimic this in the future. He is the perfect candidate for this show, whether he would admit it or not. Examples:
"In my free time I like to go to Barnes and Noble and read." or after someone says the printer is out of paper, "Well sometimes the printer can be sad too!" or "Well, I don't care about cars or what they look like, if you have a space cruiser, then I'll discuss it's engine" or "I love anime". In addition to this, I think that laughing at innapropriate times and making nerd jokes might help and I have to get really nervous around girls. Like if a beauty says, "What kind of shoes should I wear?" just start laughing for no reason thinking it's a joke or say, "I bet those stillettos have a 1.3 mm diameter. Dia-meter, I hardly know her!" WAIT DAMNIT a nerd wouldn't know what a stilletto is. Already I'm fucking up.

5. An Identifier


Every geek has an identifier. If you watch the show and I say about season 3, the trekkie, the fat comic book guy, or the Star Wars band guy you KNOW who I'm talking about. I need something like this. Brainstorming: I could be "Needs bongos when anxious" guy. I could carry bongos around and everytime I talk to a girl I could get nervous and start playing a beat while chanting "oompa loompa oompa loompa" and the when I can't handle it anymore play the bongo really fast and yell "BOOM" and stop. EVERYONE would know who I was if I did this. Or how about "knows every single 80's hair metal band guy". Wait, already got that one covered.

I'm coming Ashton, watch out for my shenanigans. Failing that, there are other prizes...