The Apocolypse of Havok...

Here I was going through my life as a Taco Bell employee and resident Douchebag of Chicago. Life was pretty boring for me, all I would do is make Chalupas and generally act like a jerk to everyone I ever met. Sometimes I would eat nothing but Hot Sauce packets for dinner. When I went places I would just tell people that I was dating Jessica Alba, but she was busy working on a movie so they couldn't meet her, then I would go and act like a douchebag some more and make more chalupas.

Then I thought to myself, how can I change my life? I know! I will start a blog that my fellow Taco Bell employees and 15 imaginary friends will read! It will be called Zubaz and Cock Rock and it will show off just how much of a Douchebag I can be.

So off I went, and I would indeed blog, and all my fellow douchebags and Taco Bell employees would read it and laugh and act like douchebags. Then one day, it happened.

People that weren't imaginary and weren't douchebags started reading the blog.

Yes, on this day 3 people I am sure I don't know, have commented on a post I wrote. Actually, it looks like one guy commented twice, so two people did. Here are their thoughts about the post about saturday's Cubs game:

Anonymous said...

Wow.. youre a fucking douche bag. Those guys actually have a JOB! and are at WORK! Do they come to burger king and tell you how to flip patties? Maybe I should tell them to.. Its pretty awesome how you get off on "heckling" people while theyre at work. Nice life. Keep up the good work. F*****.

Paul said...

I agree, you all need to get a life. You take the heckling a little too far. I hope you know the players all think you're a bunch of loser idiots. While youre sitting getting drunk and yelling at them, theyre all laughing thinking "whatever dude, keep it up, youre paying my salary" And Ill bet my life you're never going to see as much money as those guys make in a month! And I bet you're the same guy who would want a signed ball.

Anonymous said...

yeah.... then to go on a website and brag about what a dick you were? Very cool. Something to be proud of. See you at burger king

Frankly, I'm shocked and flattered that people took the time to read this and even dissect my writing style so well!

Perhaps it is time to end this blog? I never thought that people would read this blog and think that I work at Burger King. It is Taco Bell you insensitive neanderthals. I am going to cry myself to sleep now.

Unless, if these people are Cirque du Soleil employees. Then I will continue.

(Seriously, where did you people come from? I'd honestly like to know. I'm not going to post hate messages anywhere or anything, I'm just curious as to how my readership got a 20% readership increase from 10 people to 12 when I haven't even posted pictures of my girlfriend, Jessica Alba, yet because she's busy working on a movie.)

The Douchebag Girlfriend/Boyfriend Theory

The Ultimate Douchebag: John Mayer

80% of my audience (4 out of 5 people) have heard this theory before, but it bears repeating and needs to be published. This will be the first theory I write on this blog of many to come. Most of the theories have been scientifically proven true, but some are still open for debate. This one falls into the former category; it is absolutely 100% megasuperawesome true and is nearly impossible to prove false.*

The theory: By the time they reach age 24, every person has dated, at some point, a male or a female with a douchebag name. You must have dated at least 2 people to rule out nerds that have never dated, the psychos that married the first person they ever dated, and Michael Jackson.

Examples of Male Douchebag names include, but are definitely not limited to: Tanner, Brody, Conner, Cody, Toby, Ethan, Tristan, Jackson, Gavin, John Mayer, Brayden, Carter, Dane Cook, Blake, the name of anyone in Cirque du Soleil, etc.

Examples of Female Douchebag names include, but are definitely not limited to: Madison, Addison, Bertha, Diamond, Heaven, Misty, Jasmine, Joey, Apple, Madonna, Olivia, Destiny, Trinity, Jennifer Lopez, Mackenzie, Faith, etc.

Note that just because this might be your name, it doesn't necessarily make you a douchebag, it just means you have a douchebag name (John Mayer, Dane Cook, Madonna, Jennifer Lopez excepted).

Seriously, ask anyone who they've dated, everyone's got a douchebag name in their past. They might deny it, but then you just remind them about Todd and BOOM it's done.

*Theory may not actually be true about every guy dating a girl with a douchebag name due to lack of research, but I'm pretty sure it is. It's definitely true the other way though.

The History of French Rock and Roll

Today, instead of bringing you tall tales or funny stuff, I'm going to write a completely nonfictional post. I am going to present you with the history of French Rock and Roll music from the beginning to the end non-stop. I will cover every detail of punk, prog, pop, and so forth. So let's begin!

The obvious place to start is Serge Gainsbourg. Gainsbourg blended Jazz, ballads, mambo, lounge, reggae, pop (including adult contemporary pop, kitsch pop, ye ye pop, 80s pop, pop-art pop, prog pop, space-age pop, psychedelic pop, and erotic pop), disco, calypso, Africana, bossa nova and rock and roll to create a unique sound which he used to write songs about wanting to have sex with his daughter.

This concludes my piece on the history of French Rock and Roll, in which I have cited every single relevant French rock artist in history.

Fine.

What? You seriously thought the people that brought us Cirque du Soleil have had any contributions to rock and roll, or anything bad ass for that matter? Please.