Bonnaroo 2008 - Day 1 Or Entrance to the Refugee Camp: Death to my Cleanliness!

This year I have the unfortunate situation where I have to miss Lollapalooza. What could possibly fill my need for mind numbing exhaustion in summer heat while listening to a million live bands? BONNAROO. As background, Bonnaroo is essentially the same thing as Lolla but with a few key differences. First, Bonnaroo is 4 days to lolla's 3 days. Next, and most importantly, Bonnaroo is in farm grounds in the middle of nowhere Tennessee, and once you enter Bonnaroo, there is no re-entry. By that I mean, everyone arrives thursday to Bonnaroo and are caravanned into a spot that they use for camping. You live in your tents in Bonnaroo for the next 4 days. Showers are $7 and therefore, the majority of festival goers do not shower while they are there. I assume it's the majority, because that's what I did. It was a very smelly weekend. However, this gives Bonnaroo a very distinct advantage over Lollapalooza in that set times can be at any time of the day or night, and as a result can be much longer. This also creates cultural differences at the festival that are pretty entertaining. Although the lineup style has changed dramatically over the years, it is still evident that Bonnaroo began as a Hippie Centric Jam Festival. Thank you Metallica, for turning this festival into a slice of awesome (despite the hippies disdain for your appearance).


Bonnaroo Hippies

We arrived into Bonnaroo on Thursday afternoon. I'll change my friends names for their own safety and discretion and will henceforth refer to them as such: My car had me, "Arthur", and "Erin" and we followed a car with "Jackie" and "Mike" who followed a caravan that had "Shitloads Of People That Reminded Arthur of New Trier Assholes" or SOPTRANTA from now on. Also a guy named "Dave" joined us. We were ushered into a camp that was a straight shot to Centeroo (where all the stages and shit are) and right next to a forest (more on the forest and it's inhabitants later). At first we were dismayed at what appeared to be a daunting walk to Centeroo, but we quickly realized from the maps they handed out that it could have been significantly worse. Our trek to centeroo ended up only being about 20 minutes (some could get up to 45!). We set up our tent and connected our open air parasol thingy with the SOPTRANTA peoples open air parasol thingys. I immediately starting sweating due to the heat. At no other point during this weekend was I not sweating. And I didn't shower once. I thought you'd like to know that.


Bonnaroo Overhead

Immediately after that we started drinking (OH YUENGLING GLORIOUS YUENGLING IT IS GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN) and headed off to see our first band.


Yuengling

Bonnaroo lesson number 1: Figure out creative ways to smuggle in alcohol.

At Bonnaroo you can bring anything you want into the festival as long as you don't have any glass. There is an "inspection" before you get in where you have to have your car "checked" but all it consists of is someone asking you if you have glass or drugs and then you say no (lies) and go in. They fully expect people to bring in alcohol and it's totally cool. What you can't do is bring that alcohol to Centeroo, where they have people checking your bags before you enter. There are ways around this. Our most effective methods are putting cans of beer inside jacket pockets tied around the waste, and my favorite and the most effective method, which I will code name "Flask in boobs". This method is top secret and I will not share it with the public.

The first band we saw was MGMT. MGMT is notable for being a "hot new band" and because Jackie and Erin both dated the lead singer at different times in middle school. Thus they were both incredibly excited to see them live. Although unimpressed by the lead singers looks (sorry ladies), I did enjoy the band. They reminded me of 1970's David Bowie but without the outrageous look. Perhaps all they need to do is wear an eyepatch and they will become super mega stars.


Was apparently a dreamy 7th grader

Next, was one of the bands I very excited to see. THE SWORD. For I knew the Sword would bring me on a journey where I could Harken on the Howl of the Huntsmen Hounds and Labor in the Liquid Light of Leviathan while I stand in the presence of the Gods of the Earth. Arthur joined me for what was undoubtedly the LOUDEST performance of the entirety of Bonnaroo. Man were they loud, but damn Thor, did they slay. If there had been a spider priest present, their colossal riffs would have slayed it in a heartbeat. I thoroughly enjoyed them and they left a twinkle in my eye like a flash from Barael's Blade in the sun.


Short Sword clip since I know you have no attention span

Next up was Vampire Weekend. Now for such a bad ass name you would think you would get bad ass music, but they're more like Paul Simon in playing in the Ivy League Quad than the Norse God Sounds of the Sword. Truthfully, I can not remember much of this performance other than the fact that there were no vampires leaving me tragically disappointed.


About what I was expecting

LEZ Zeppelin was next. Months prior to Bonnaroo there were crazed rumors that Led Zeppelin was playing. Turns out people are stupid and it was actually Lez Zeppelin, a lesbian Led Zeppelin cover band. While the lead singer isn't quite the same as Robert Plant by any means, I still really enjoyed them because it was so awesome to FINALLY hear Zep played in a live setting. I really wish they would unite for a tour rather than just the one time dealy last fall in London. Those tickets would be hotter than hell and very pricey but it would be so worth it. This was the last band I saw. More observations and band descriptions to come later!

Musings on Macho Man, Wolf Shirts, Amazon and the Internet

Recently I've been seeing advertisements on the bus for a book called "God is a Woman" by "Comedian Ian Coburn". Now I have no idea if this book is good or not, it's probably really funny and I might enjoy it if I read it, but one thing really struck me funny about the ad that you can also see on the books website http://www.godisawoman.net/

Note the reviews quoted:

"Best book I've read" - Amazon review

"Hilarious!" - Amazon review

"Funniest book I've read" - Amazon review

"Best book to meet women" - Amazon review

"Best advice for women" - Amazon review

Etc etc etc



I understand this is a small time guy with a small time publisher that miraculously went #1 on Amazon in Canada, but using AMAZON REVIEWS???? Seriously?? Is that really where we are in society that we can start quoting internet reviews? Because to me, the internet is both the greatest and worst thing the world has going for it right now. The internet allows you to acquire any good, service, or slice of knowledge and allows absolutely everyone to have a voice. However, with this comes the downside that the internet allows you to acquire any good, service, or slice of knowledge and allows absolutely everyone to have a voice. Have you ever read a comment on youtube? It's the equivalent of punching your uterus repeatedly while pregnant. Let's look at the first video featured on you tube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7DW1J5rmSIY&feature=dir



"i like both teams i didnt mind the wings win i wanted the pens tho but pens are a Young team there gonna be around next year like the wings and the Sabres!!1 top 3 teams right there wings,pens,sabres woot woot"



Fucking great. Thanks for the comment kevster422. You have truly enriched my life.



My point is, you have to be able to filter out the bullshit on the internet, and a serious fucking number of people can't do that yet. Based on Mr. Coburn's advertisement for his book I will now create advertisement for several items that I enjoy.



Buy the "new" rap album from wrestling superstar "Macho Man" Randy Savage called "Be a Man"! This album was declared the greatest album of all time by noted critic Kenny Havok. It was ranked #1 on amazon (for albums purchased for a penny on amazon by Kenny Havok). Just listen to the reviews:

"The album's dope content made me saturate my pants almost as much as the VHS of Randy Savage's bulging muscular guns glistening in sweat under the lights of the ring. Oh Yeah! Not since The Beatles has an album taking the music industry by storm." – Amazon Review



"This album was not created by a mere mortal. This album was made by God himself, and handed down to the greatest rapper of our time, Randy Savage." – Amazon Review

"From snapping slim jims, to dropping an atomic elbow drop to tanning his body to making Hogan cry to outselling rap legends Tupac Shaker and E-Minem. Macho Man, truly does it all and shows why he is... THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME!" – Amazon Review

"I was an overweight idiot who locked myself in the bathroom for hours snacking on munchos until I heard 'Be a Man' by Macho Man himself. Ive now lost all my baby fat and am eligible for the hit TV show The Swan. This hot fire scores me the hottest babes when Im blasted it in the Coupe De Ville on spinners and when Im in the ring working on th dragon sleeper. I can now bench press 500 pounds and eat a steak sandwich at the same time." – Amazon Review

"Every track is a work of poetry on the Shakespearean level." – Amazon Review



"There is no way you will ever get closer to the utopia you experience when you listen to this outstanding album. I hope for the sake of every being in the universe that we will see many, many more Macho Man albums in the future. When I first caught a glance of this CD at Walmart, I turned and fell to my knees while time literally stopped. Once I regained consciousness I quickly filled a crate with the album and handed the cashier a flying elbow drop! When I placed the CD onto the tray of my stereo system, I knew at once that my life had culminated to that point, my purpose was to witness the sick, wicked, and nasty beats that were about to pulsate through the earth itself and energize my very life force. When the tray recalled itself back into the stereo console, it was as though the final puzzle piece of human existence had been put into place. Rainbows began to pour inexplicably out of the speakers and onto my terrace. The windows flew open and The Macho Man himself floated in on a winged platinum unicorn. He gave me a $5 gift certificate at Radio Shack and told me that I was the chosen one. He said that He and I would lead mankind out of poverty and strife forever. He said we must hurry, unimaginable evils were gathering and following him and there was not much time before he would have to face them. As we prepared to embark a low rumble could be heard in the distance. Hardly decipherable at first, but it began to grow louder, and apparently closer. The sky darkened rapidly and took on a red-orange tint. The rumble grew exponentially louder and more fierce, and the ground began to shake. Without warning an enormous crack in the planet's surface appeared and a great mountain of rock and molten lava shot up from the center of the earth with the force of ten trillion mighty buffalo. Satan himself stood before us, in all of his evil majesty. Despite this apocalyptic series of events, Randy was not at all intimidated. He stood fast, and with a mighty cry of 'OOOOOOHHH YEAHHHHHH!' he was suddenly 250 feet tall and was made entirely of gold. Satan lunged towards Savage with blinding speed, but The Macho Man was suddenly gone. Satan spun back around just in time for a vicious Macho Man drop kick to the throat. Again, Savage disappeared, leaving Satan dazed and confused. As Satan tried to recover Randy leapt at him from out of nowhere with a punishing sunset flip, sending The Dark Lord directly into a black hole on the other side of the universe. Savage explained to me how his musical talents inspired the Greek God Zeus, and so Zeus gave him super powers and ultrasonic vocal cords. I told him he's the illest, the true chief warrior. The bottom line is I used to steal cars and buses all the time, but ever since I heard this album I only smash fire hydrants. I no longer sleep or eat or talk, I just absorb the lyrical extremes that this album surpasses time and again and train to fight The Hulkster. Everything that you've ever done, are doing now, or will ever do is a complete waste of time unless it directly involves Randy 'Macho Man' Savage. If you don't own this album, I sincerely hope that this review has helped you realize what a clueless and wretched piece of waste you really are. And seriously Hogan, be a man for once in your life. If you just take the beating maybe Savage won't banish you from the universe....OOOOOOOHHH YEEEAAAHHHHH!!! I just crapped on myself." – Amazon Review





My birthday was a while ago, and a few of my friends pitched in and bought me a wolf shirt with an accompanying towel. The idea for purchasing the shirt was based on a few things. First, I own a lot of ridiculous clothing and find it hilarious to wear any of it out in public and a wolf shirt would be insanely hilarious. And second, read the comments about the wolf shirt on this website: http://www.birkoph.com/Wolf_tshirt.htm

If Mr. Coburn can use amazon reviews for his book, why can't we use these? Maybe they are serious! IT'S POSSIBLE!

"if god wore a shirt, this would be the one" – Site Review

"Excellent roaming shirt out in the dessert. Gets you great reception for your cell phone as well." – Site Review

"Some people say that my father created Earth in 7 days.. he created the wolf shirt before he even began to think about making the world." – Site Review

"This shirt cured my Aids!" – Site Review



A smarter blogger, with better writing skills would now wrap up this post with intelligent insight into the world of the internet and internet commenting. I am not a smart blogger with talent at writing. I would just sit here and tell you how I think internet commenting is awesome but is a Catch 22 because 99.999999% of internet comments are soul rapingly stupid and terrible, but I don't wanna sound like a hypocrite. After all, I did find God and Jesus on my own blogs message board.