Ogresmash: Stryper and Cock Rock: Drive Like Jehu

What do you think to yourself when you see this picture? I bet you think something like, "Oh man, that is classic 80's Hair Metal." Or, "Man what a sweet looking cock rock band." Or, "Hardy har fashion was so stupid in the 80's, maybe it's because I did all that cocaine when I was 4 years old that made me want to dress like this." Or "CRAP I'M ALLERGIC TO BEES". Or "Wu-Tang Killa Bees. Wu-Tang is fo-eva muthafucka! Wu-Tang Financial: Diversify your bonds, bitch!" Or "Does that guy have a turd for a face?" Or "Awwwww, cute wittle pussycat!"

Well not me. I think, "Oh damnit, who the hell let Stryper join the party, Stryper is terrible. Christian Metal is the worst." Seriously, these guys once passed off as a hair metal band. WTF mate? Holy Nikki Sixx they once had the most requested video on MTV! Honestly!



Cock Rock is supposed to be bad ass. Sex, drugs, and Rock and Roll baby. THIS is the time period where that rang the most true. Nikkie Sixx once died from an overdose and then was revived! Ozzy Osbourne peed on a line of ants then snorted them! Stryper released an album called "To Hell With the Devil"! NO! GUHHHHHH.

Let's look at where they got their name. From this bible quote: "But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed." (Isaiah 53:5) Guhhhhhhhhh. No no no no no no no no. If you're gonna use a bible quote as the inspiration for your band name, do NOT use something like that. Use something kick ass like: "And the watchman told, saying, He came even unto them, and cometh not again: and the driving is like the driving of Jehu the son of Nimshi; for he driveth furiously..." (2 Kings 9:20)

YES! BAD ASS! This is the inspiration for the band Drive Like Jehu's name obviously. Drive Like Jehu is the most underrated band in the history of bands. Drive Like Jehu is kick ass. Drive Like Jehu would rock the shit out of Stryper. Drive Like Jehu makes me want to chew on stainless steel, Stryper makes me want to eat Honey Nut Cheerios. Drive Like Jehu has awesome songs called "Bullet Train to Vegas" and "Here Come the Rome Plows" while Stryper refused to make heavier music when their fans asked for something more edgy. Guhhhh Stryper sucks. Yea verily, Drive Like Jehu is righteous and bad ass.




As the first commenter says: Holy Fuck, Bullet Train to Vegas! Holy Fuck indeed, my friend.

Ogresmash: The Stinky Stinky

Warning: Do not read this post. It is disgusting and juvenile. I just need to get this off of my chest. (Editors Note: that is not a Cleveland Steamer joke) At least it has no gross pictures though.

I'm coming up on having worked for my company for 2 years now and there are still a few things I just don't get. First, I do not understand the work fart etiquette. Sometimes I get bad gas after eating Chipotle and I need to belt out a monster fart. I just know it's going to be loud too, the air pocket builds in my large intestine. What am I supposed to do here? Just let it out? That would be rude for others, but it's MY CUBICLE not theirs so what the hell is the big deal? What's the etiquette here? Your thoughts are appreciated in the comment section.

Second, today was about the 10^th or so time that I've gone into a stall in the bathroom and there's been a dookie and toilet paper still floatin' around in there. What. The. Fuck. Ok obviously everyone poops, except for girls. Oh, and that one guy's girlfriend that we nicknamed "The Dumptruck" in college. Sooooo, there's only 3 possibilites here.

1. Some dude forgot to flush 10 different times.
2. Sniper Shit.
3. Someone clogged the toilet. Someone clogged a fucking industrial toilet.

I will explore these one by one

First, the forgetful flusher. I don't know what to say about this one. This guy is just a forgetful asshole.

Second, the Lee Harvey Oswald shitter. There are some rules about sniper shitting. It's just not OK in the work setting. I mean, I'm at work, why make my day shitty (no pun intended)? Situations where the sniper shit is appropriate: College. Come on, living in a fraternity, you gotta sniper shit at least a couple times. Like, if your cook makes "cholesterol casserole" for dinner; it's sniper shit time! Don't want your hallway to endure the aftereffects of that! Hiroshima the 4^th floor! Or if someone on the third floor drinks all your Old Style; punish his toilet with an Old Style Sniper Shit! But never sniper shit in work damnit.

Third, the toilet is so full of it, it's gotta be named the Dick Cheney shit. How the fuck do you clog an industrial toilet? Going back to the fraternity house, we restocked all of our toilet paper. There was a kid who once used an entire roll of toilet paper for one shit. TWICE. I had to tape a sign to the door asking for the double flush. WHY CAN'T YOU DOUBLE FLUSH? It's REALLY simple! And why the hell do you need that much toilet paper?! Do you have a gatling gun buckshot anus? Lordy, lighten up on the paper and save a tree you asshole!

Ogresmash: The Ten Commandments

Now I know what you're thinking based off that title. OH NO HE'S GONNA GET ALL PREACHY ON US! How the hell can Havok possibly convince me that murdering isn't bad? Well I'm not gonna talk about the actual commandments no matter how goddamn stupid some of them seem.* (God seriously includes oxes and asses as things not to covet. And while not coveting an ass seems like brilliant foreshadowing, because what girl doesn't want a little junk in the trunk these days, no one cares about oxes anymore. God is not hip, that should be changed at least to bell bottoms so that God can be as much with the times as the Catholic Church is. Run-on sentences are the best.) No today I'm going to talk about the movie, the Ten Commandments, starring Charlton Heston and the overall story leading up to the creation of the commandments. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0049833/

OK, my problem is that Moses is a dumb ass. To fill those in that don't know the story, Moses is born a Jew, but his mom pulls a total inner city Detroit and leaves him in a river. Some sterile Egyptian bitch related to the Pharoah finds him and raises him and he competes with Ramses to be the next Pharaoh. Moses is the George Michael to Ramses Andrew Ridgeley and he's gonna be the next Pharaoh until he finds out he's a Hebrew.

OK Let's stop right here for a second. This is a pretty big revelation. You're Jewish. But you're gonna be the next Pharaoh. No one knows you're Jewish except you and your mother. What do you do next? Here are the options as I see them:

1. Don't tell anyone and just be Pharaoh.

Option 1 would be pretty kick ass. You get a tits life as Pharaoh. Lots of pyramids in your honor. A legacy for the rest of your life and thousands of years to come. But, if you have a heavy moral pulse, this would suck having "your people" be slaves to build your shit. So that's the downside. Oh, and you'll go to hell if you believe in that sort of thing.

2. Don't tell anyone and when you become Pharaoh, yell "GOTCHA BITCHES!" and free the Hebrew slaves.

Frees your conscience this way.

ANY OTHER DECISION IS STUPID. So what does this asshole do? Tells everyone he's Hebrew and nearly gets his ass killed. Lotta good that would have done jackass, now your people can't be freed. Guhhhhhhhhh Moses is an idiot.

Yeah this seems like a WAY better idea than just becoming Pharaoh and freeing everyone.

SIDE NOTES FROM THE TEN COMMANDMENTS:

Because I am a pervert, it took me 2 hours to realize that bondage = slavery and not S&M sex. That may seem like a long time, but this movie is 6 hours long, so it's not.

When God takes the form of the burning bush to talk to Moses, he speaks slowly and slurs his speech. I'm pretty sure this symbolized that God was drunk at the time.

After having 5 opportunities to free the slaves, and choosing the hardest way possible to go about freeing them, Moses leads everyone around in the desert for 40 years. Seriously. Dumb ass.

*Note to self: Refrain from breaking commandments when establishing an opinion about them in the future.

Ogresmash: Middle Aged Women

Now I am a young male, liberal and (semi?) intelligent. I am by no means a misogynist and I love the company of women aged 18-30ish. I don't know what I would do without the fairer sex. But, it's no secret that my worst fear is middle aged women. I know it's difficult to picture Kenny Havok with any fear, but it's true; I'm scared of middle aged women. This new pontiac commercial is just killing me, it sends me into cold shivers every time I see it. In it there's a middle aged women who tells me N-O no I can't get a convertible! Then she wants to know what's next an amp? And she MOCKS THE DEVIL HORNS! Listen bitch, when you start mocking the cock rock, you're gonna get my foot so far up your ass I might lose the Zubaz. But really, what is wrong with you? All you want to do is watch Oprah, censor music, prevent me from buying a bad ass car and kick ass amp, and talk to your friends about how other kids are a bad influence on your kid. Oh boo fucking hoo, your son (who is probably named Conner or Tanner, but that is a WHOLE OTHER POST) is getting a C- in math because other kids are a bad influence! NO BITCH, it's because he's got your dumbass genes in him. Don't you have to go be scared about killer bees and bird flu and other fake problems only you care about? Leave me alone to rock!

Let's examine the age groups of women:

Aged 0-18: They're kids, they're supposed to be annoying as hell regardless of sex.

Aged 18-30ish:

1. Smoking Hot? Check
2. Like to party? Check
3. Have a sense of humor? Check
4. Have shown signs of intelligence? Check
   
5. Are generally a ton of fun? Check

I happen to like women my age.

Aged 30ish-60ish:

1. Drive a minivan? Check
2. Name their kid douchy names? Check
3. Hate music not recorded by people named Norah Jones? Check
4. Watch Oprah? Check
5. Are afraid of everything? Check
6. Are unable to process coherant logic? Check

I wonder if he realizes he's married to Manbearpig?


Women aged 60ish-beyond:

1. Give you totally awesome shit like small jars of good and plenty's and cough drops? Check
2. Give you $5 all the time even when you're 23? Check
3. Like watching cartoons? Check
4. Get drunk easily with no regrets? Check

Luckily things even out and women become awesome again in the later years.


And she's hot too!

I am going to have the worst mid-life crisis ever. This is why I need to take the motorcycle lessons now.