The Ultimate Douchebag: John Mayer
80% of my audience (4 out of 5 people) have heard this theory before, but it bears repeating and needs to be published. This will be the first theory I write on this blog of many to come. Most of the theories have been scientifically proven true, but some are still open for debate. This one falls into the former category; it is absolutely 100% megasuperawesome true and is nearly impossible to prove false.*
The theory: By the time they reach age 24, every person has dated, at some point, a male or a female with a douchebag name. You must have dated at least 2 people to rule out nerds that have never dated, the psychos that married the first person they ever dated, and Michael Jackson.
Examples of Male Douchebag names include, but are definitely not limited to: Tanner, Brody, Conner, Cody, Toby, Ethan, Tristan, Jackson, Gavin, John Mayer, Brayden, Carter, Dane Cook, Blake, the name of anyone in Cirque du Soleil, etc.
Examples of Female Douchebag names include, but are definitely not limited to: Madison, Addison, Bertha, Diamond, Heaven, Misty, Jasmine, Joey, Apple, Madonna, Olivia, Destiny, Trinity, Jennifer Lopez, Mackenzie, Faith, etc.
Note that just because this might be your name, it doesn't necessarily make you a douchebag, it just means you have a douchebag name (John Mayer, Dane Cook, Madonna, Jennifer Lopez excepted).
Seriously, ask anyone who they've dated, everyone's got a douchebag name in their past. They might deny it, but then you just remind them about Todd and BOOM it's done.
*Theory may not actually be true about every guy dating a girl with a douchebag name due to lack of research, but I'm pretty sure it is. It's definitely true the other way though.
6 comments:
Is Gary a douchebag name?
Many douchebag names are open to interpretation. This one is not. Gary is indeed a douchebag name.
I'm tempted to just leave you a list of my exes to determine which have the douchebaggiest names...but I narrowed it down to the top 3 (in my opinion--I need your expertise):
Derek
Seth
Jeb (and I actually don't know his last name)
Doubtful about "Jeb", more a hick name than douchebag. Definitely fair with Derek tho.
And whatever happened to "Neil"? Are there any Neils still around, maybe all having a big "Dudes Named Neil" party?
I have dated both a Trystan and a Gavin. Both total douchebags.
How bout these names (every person I've met or seen on TV with these names were usually Douchbags)
Kirk, Nate, Shane, Trent, Keith, Seth, Bruce, Bryce, Topher, Mitch, Zach, Tyler, Dean, Josh, and of course Ryan (Seacrest *cough*)
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