Heaven Isn't Too Far Away...

The Operation Battle Happens tonight!

Quick update, Operation has been purchased and the doctors are having a party tonight, OPERATION CHALLENGE COMMENCE!

As if!

Guys are pretty sketchy by nature. I frequently get stories from my friends that are ladies about just random creepy things that guys say to them. Now I may be abnormal and insane but I think I have a general awareness of sketchiness. Which leads me to one of the topics that is a fountain of male sketchiness: Jail Bait

Guys always wonder what age a girl has to be in order to date her. Well thanks to extensive research (aka 1 source), I have discovered the answer to this question. Now, I am not a pervert, I have no desire to date young girls, I happen to like girls my age as noted in an earlier post, I just happened to stumble on the answer to this question, and feel as if I should share with my male readers.

Now another thing is, I don't need any approval from any of my female readers because there is 100% approval of the source, which is of course:


The movie Clueless.

Yes, I was watching the movie Clueless the other day, whatever, it's a great document of mid 90's culture. I will say that absolutely every female on all of planet earth likes this movie. Therefore, I'd say it's a great source for dating rules. Girls are always saying I can learn from "Sex and the City" starring that chick with the face that looks like a foot, so why not Clueless?


Sarah Jessica Parker image on file with IMDB.com

Yeah so I'm watching the movie, and the following line pops out at me via Cher, played by Alicia Silverstone: "You turn 16 in May? Well I do in April so as your elder let me give you some advice..."

OK so she's 15 years old in the movie, nothing wrong with that. But here's the thing, in the movie she falls for her step brother, Josh, played by Paul Rudd, and they of course get together by the end of the movie. However, Josh is working for his step father, as a young lawyer in training. Now here's where it gets fishy, Josh is in college. It's hard to tell what year though. If I interpret it correctly, he's in law school and therefore either 22, 23 or 24 years old. He has to be 20 at the youngest. Regardless, by the end of the movie, he is dating a 15 year old.

So there you have it gentlemen. According to a female approved source, the youngest girl you are allowed to date is a 15 year old.

Hey, consider yourselves lucky, for a 22, 23 or 24 year old, I would have said anything younger than 19 is creepy, but I have been outruled by the female population.

Cubs vs Mariners June 13, 2007

This was the only game of the year that we didn't have bleacher seats and had normal seats and boy it was a beautiful night. Since this game was already almost a week ago I won't say much. But I will say this: the infamous DTD was back in town and joined us for the game. Here's a picture of what he looks like these days:



Anyway, it was a royally fun game, lots of action and Sean Marshall pitched well. When I was in the bathroom I overheard the following quote on the bathroom radio from Ernie Banks: If the Cubs win I'm gonna buy everyone in the stadium Cubcakes.

Well I'm still waiting Ernie.

Also, we got to see Ichiro play. I really wish Ichiro were American and not Japanese, because this guy is literally the Hibachi! of baseball. Favorite Ichiro quotes:

• On breaking out of a hitting slump: "Yesterday, I ate two ice creams," he said through an interpreter. "Usually I only eat one."

• On fans at Wrigley: "Before the game started, the fans were nice and polite, and that was nice," Ichiro said. "But after the game started and they started drinking beer, lots of beer, their personality changed. And that was fun for me to see."

and the best one

• On the city of Cleveland: "To tell the truth, I'm not excited to go to Cleveland, but we have to," Ichiro said through an interpreter. "If I ever saw myself saying I'm excited going to Cleveland, I'd punch myself in the face, because I'm lying."

Final Score: Cubs 3 - Mariners 2

Cubs record in 2007 when I am in attendance: 3-3

Starting Pitchers:
Cubs - Sean Marshall (he's the new Glendon Rusch, we always see him. Except he gets wins on rare occasions rather than never.)
Mariners - Jorge Batista

Singer of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" - Ernie Banks

I Still Know...

...that I Still Know What You Did Last Summer is the worst movie ever made. Sure I've probably said this about 43 movies or so, but now I am talking about this shitty movie. If you haven't seen it (don't), the basic plot rundown is this: The killer from the first movie decides to attempt to kill Jennifer Love Hewitt's cleavage and her cleavages friends by setting it up so that they win a vacation to the bahamas on a remote island where the killer, Ben Willis used to live. Also, the killers son, who's name I already forgot so we'll call him Douchy McGee, is part of this because he takes the time to go to JLH's college, befriend JLH and hit on her enough to get invited on the vacation, and then act completely normal until the very end of the movie where he tries to help his dad kill her.

Um...no.

You know how you kill someone? You choke a bitch, that's how.



Or you stab them. Or shoot them. You don't spend an assload of money to send them on a free vacation where you then toy around and do a shitty job of not choking a bitch.

And how did they win this vacation? By answering this question: What is the capital of Brazil? They said Rio de Janeiro. No, you fucktards, it's Brasilia. You didn't tell one person this story before you left? If my friends won this vacation and told me, I'd say, no it's Brasilia, some motherfucker is gonna try to stab you with a hook. Google that shit. And I know that the internet was still in it's infancy when this movie was made, but I'm pretty sure back in the old days they had globes and encyclopedias and people that aren't dumber than Dan Brown.



Also, what was the conversation that the killer had with his son. "Hey you should get good grades and go to the same college as JLH and then befriend her and hit on her so we can plan a free vacation for her where you get invited and then we finally kill her on the anniversary of when she hit me with a car." "Um...alright. I mean I could just shoot her, but that sounds cool."

And what's the point of killing the random people that work at the hotel? Seriously, what did they do to deserve it? It's not like they hit him with the car. Whatever, I guess all the people that worked there were pretty mean anyway.

And using Jack Black as a stoner with dreadlocks that gets killed early on? Bad use. Motherfucker needs to teach kids how to rock or fight King Kong or some shit.

And what happened to Brandy?


...that you weren't that great of a singer

I'm fully convinced that the only reason this movie was made was to show off Jennifer Love Hewitt's cleavage.




Guhhhh. I hated this movie. And people should know the capital of Brazil.

Cubs vs Brewers June 6, 2007

So after free taco day at Taco Bell on tuesday June 5, the Bell took me to a baseball game at Miller Park on wednesday. The Bell provided a tailgate with free food and booze 2 hours before the game. So what did my non-moustachioed coworkers and I decide was the best thing to do?

Tailgate before the tailgate.

So I had about 1000 Miller Lites or so before the game. Who do I end up sitting next to? The head principal at, um, Taco Bell. And his wife and daughter. Luckily, thanks to a double and home run by my new favorite player, Felix Pie, the Cubs won and all my coworkers from Milwaukee celebrated the Cubs beating their team by throwing sunflower seeds and popcorn at me.

Final Score: Cubs 6 - Brewers 2

Cubs record when I am in attendance in 2007: 2-3

Starting Pitchers:
Cubs - Carlos Zambrano (first time ever seeing him, and fresh off of fighting Michael Barrett in the clubhouse)
Brewers - Jeff Suppan

Singer of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" - the crowd (celebreties don't give a shit about the Brewers)

The Top Twelve Porn/Sex Act Names that come from GI Joe Action Figures

WARNING: This post contains mature content. It is not intended for anyone under the age of 18 years and is not intended for anyone over the age of 15 in maturity.

Alright, so you kinda hafta be a huge pervert to enjoy this post because it gets really gross really fast and you have to be creatively pervertive. Also, I'm a huge GI Joe fan. Well not am, but was when I was a kid. I had a ton of GI Joes. My brother and I used to build castles and wage huge wars and shit, which may explain a few things. But, here it is from my dirty dirty dirty dirty mind. The top 12 Porn/Sex Act names that come from GI Joe Action figures.

12. Bazooka
OK so we'll start with a tame one. Bazooka would be a great name for a male porn star. Can't you just see Peter "Bazooka" North or Dustin "Bazooka" Diamond?



11. Slipstream
I really can't decide what this word means but it's definitely supremely gross. It's basically the same thing as naming a GI Joe figure "Errant Semen" or "Accidental Golden Shower"

10. Gung-Ho
Gung-Ho is definitely the name of an Asian prostitute, there's no doubt about it I'm pretty sure you can find this chicks name in the credits of Full Metal Jacket as "Me Sucky Long Time Girl" played by Gung-Ho. Who the hell knows how GI Joe pulled a marine name out of this shit.

9. Steam Roller
Back we go to Dustin "Steam Roller" Diamond.




8. Crazylegs
Honesty: If I were to ever enter a strip club and the first stripper that came up to me said her name was "Crazylegs" I would definitely buy a dance. Unlike the last time I was in a strip club where the girl said her name was January. We were there in January. My friends are pretty sure she just changes her name seasonally.

7. Cesspool
Initially I thought this would be a hilarious name to include in the list, but everything that runs through my mind is unfit for print. Let's just say you don't wanna meet a girl named Cesspool.



6. Snow Job
It's like the thing it rhymes with but in winter! And cold! And snowflakey!

5. Big Boa
I think this one is pretty self explanatory.

4. Fast Blast
Lieutenant Fast Blast says that Captain Pre-Ejaculation is not a good commander.

3. Deep Six
I fully promote a male pornstar with this name. This will finally stop giving women that watch porn unrealistic expectations. It's not Deep 10 honey and it ain't ever gonna be.



2. Backblast
Just...wow... I guess his nemesis is the guy that ruins his fun, "Houdini"?

1. Beachhead
This is so blatantly obvious they should name a cocktail after it.

Cock Rock: Extreme

I am totally excited for the new guitar hero coming out next month. Ridiculously excited. As in I need "More than words to show how I feel" about it. At first I was gonna write a post about what songs should be included in this most righteous of guitar heros, but then because of this whole free taco day on tuesday June 5, I've been working 15 hr days with no time to blog. As a result they already released over half the songs. But here's the thing, a bunch of my choices were included, even some of the ones I never thought would happen. That's what brings me to Extreme. Extreme was a total Van Halen rip off that really only had 1 CD's worth of good songs, (which I own of course), but man Nuno Bettancourt can SHRED THE AXE. The best Extreme song of all time is also one of the best songs of all time. No it's not the ballad "More Than Words" (awesome wedding song compromise if your wife doesn't want to dance to "I Want Action" by Poison). I'm speaking of course about "Play With Me" a song that everyone knows.

Some of you are probably thinking, "But Havok, I don't know that song at all, what are you talking about? Did Dave cover it or something? Does it have a catchy beat or something?"

False. My pledge son, Dave has not covered it and I don't think you can encompass all music written in 4/4 time as catchy, but you DO know this song. How?



That's right, it's the most excellent and triumphant song in the background of the mall scene in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. If you haven't seen Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure I'm honestly not sure why you read this blog. This automatically qualifies it as on of the most righteous riffs of all time. And that solo, man that solo is awesome. Holy triumphant rock and roll that solo is awesome.

I can't WAIT to play that solo in guitar hero. Excellent! neenernerneenernerneeeeee!

The solo one more time:



Update: Holy shit! Look at this! AHHHHHHHHHHH! They have a demo of someone playing this song! AHHHHHHHH!