Cubs vs. Marlins - May 28th, 2007

Well by some miracle of God, I wasn't called into work today and was able to drive back to Chicago for one day to see the Cubs play the Marlins. We got to see the Cubs enlist a shithouse offensive effort against the Marlins D-squad of pitching. No worries though, it was a beautiful day! Byung Hun Kim pitched for the Marlins and it's always fun to see a crazy 5 foot 1 inch sidearmed pitcher even if he destroys your team despite incredibly sucking at baseball. Cubs waged a minor 9th inning rally that fell short and lost the game 5-3. Boo. Sean Marshall, who looks slightly mentally challenged, pitched well but everyone decided not to get any hits until the 9th.

Josh Willingham was in left field for the Marlins, but WE DIDN'T HECKLE HIM AT ALL AND NO ONE ELSE DID IN THE ENTIRE OUTFIELD because I am a reformed born-again who doesn't heckle anymore thanks to Anonymous commenter and Paul the commenter aka Jesus and Paul the Apostle.

Two young ladies sat next to us during the game and wanted a ball real badly and apparently wanted to talk to me real badly as she kept complaining that I was too quiet. One was rail thin and my friend, I'll change his name to protect him and call him "Jeff", said to me, "Do you think that girl eats at all? I feel like we should buy her a hot dog or something." The jokes continued from there. Here's a picture of her:



That's even her actual hairstyle too.

Final Score: Marlins 5 - Cubs 3

Cubs record in 2007 when I am in attendance: 1-3

Pitchers:
Marlins - Byung Hun Kim
Cubs - Sean Marshall

Singer of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame"- Andre Dawson

Yet Another Person Sees My Desperate Cries for Help, Stache Wages an Intervention

It's no secret that I've been working some insane hours recently and it's left me winded and stressed out. I haven't been to a bar in a while, I haven't chilled back with some beer, and I'm here holidays eating shitty food and complaining about how much I hate the stache. So last night I get home from working another 14 hour day at about 10 pm (yes on a holiday weekend saturday). There's absolutely nothing to drink in my apartment except for a bottle of Yellow Tail.

I'm tired, the Indians aren't answering their phones so there's no one to hang out with, so damnit I want a glass of wine. So I'm opening up the bottle when the corkscrew snaps and is stuck in the cork.

Damnit.

Well, fuck, I really want a glass of wine and there's nothing else to drink and I'm about to spend 3 hours playing Wii with the stache, I need this. So I jab a BBQ fork into the bottle. Eventually, after some work, THAT broke. OK NOW I was starting to get pissed off. I was swearing at the bottle and swearing at the fork and yelling things like, "Jesus tap-dancing Christ I fucking just want a glass of wine." Then I started stabbing the cork with a pair of scissors to no avail. Finally, I just used the scissors to push down the cork into the wine, displacing some of the wine and spraying it everywhere in our kitchen. This of course made me giggle like a kid in a candy store.

At this point, Stache comes over and says, "Ken I think you have a problem. You really should go to some AA meetings. These are the signs of an alcoholic."

Um...excuse me? Trying to open a fucking bottle of wine is the sign of an alcoholic? What? I JUST WANTED A DAMN GLASS OF WINE!

I thought about what he said for a second and I burst out laughing and drank the entire bottle.

Point/Counterpoint

VERY quick post as it is saturday and I am in work (Taco Bell has the ebays obviously).

I've been avoiding the stache as much as possible. You all probably think I'm a dick for hating him so much, but seriously I'm this close to exploding. I have a family history of high blood pressure and alcoholism and this is the last thing I need. The jury is in, my coworkers can't stand him even remotely either.

However, a different school of thought has arisen from my coworkers on how to deal with him. In a recent Bill Simmons article, Bill brings up this quote:

In "Crimes and Misdemeanors," Alan Alda's character defines comedy as equaling
"tragedy plus time."

My coworker Tim has similar thoughts. He is saying that I should spend as much time as possible with the stache now, because despite how much it sucks, the stories that will come from it and the bonding I'll experience with other coworkers as a result of mutual hatred of him, far surpasses the current negatives. Interesting point. I will dwell on it.

Finally I have found the Perfect Accompanyment to Meatcake

A few weeks ago my roomate cooked me a meatcake for my birthday (pictured below).



It's meatloaf for cake, mashed potatoes as frosting, and ketchup/worchester inside frosting and topping. It's really a work of culinary genius. It was delicious too.

However, it was truly a struggle to figure out what to drink. Liquor? No. Milk? Only from a boob. Juice? Hell no. Beer? Close but no cigar.

Luckily Jones soad has heard the call.




Do you see this? Can you read those miraculous soda flavors? Let's zoom in:



That's right, TURKEY AND GRAVY FLAVORED SODA. Awesome, now I can drink meat while eating meatcake. Truly this is the greatest soda breakthrough since Crystal Pepsi. Shit, you can eat a whole meal with that pack. Turkey & Gravy, Pea, Dinner Roll, Sweet Potatoes, Corn, Broccoli and Salmon flavored sodas exist. Everyone wants fish flavored soda. And if your gigantic meal gives you indigestion, here's your solution:

What the Hell Happened to Me?

Sometimes you're still in work at 10:20 pm and you begin to "wonder what the hell happened to me?" I never used to care about this shit, why am I still here? Hope is lost. Then something magical happens. Someone else thinks "What the Hell Happened to Me?" and pure genius results.




Yesssssssss. Someone started playing this CD in work. Let me repeat this, someone started playing this cd in work. That is freaking awesome. You're just sitting there figuring out some companies risk score and you hear, "I made some jelly sandwiches and sliced up some cantelope.
I figured you could eat a little food and and then maybe play with yer cock and balls fer a while." Awesome. How the principals in my office (at taco bell) let this slide is completely beyond me. I bought this CD in 7th grade. My brother once borrowed it for a party he had with his friends. I think it was his 17th birthday party which would have made me 13. My parents heard it and asked who brought it. Being loyal, my brother ratted me out and I got grounded for a week. Damnit.

It's possible that Adam Sandler is the greatest actor of our generation. Let's take a look at the bonafide classics that he was in:

First there's his most underrated effort Mr. Deeds. Sure the plot sucks but the New England jokes, McEnroe cameo, and Crazy Eyes lines make it hilarious.

Second, there's Billy Madison. The best scene in this movie is when he returns to high school and pulls up in his pontiac firebird wearing his jean jacket and his REO Speedwagon shirt. YES BAD ASS I want that shirt so bad. He would be my best friend in high school.

That's two thus far.

This brings to the single greatest movie of all time. Happy Gilmore. This movie is the best. Just stay out of my way or you'll pay, listen to what I say. ey, why don't I just go and eat some hay. I can lay by the bay, make things out of clay, I just may, what'd ya say?


One day I'll write a very long amazing post about this picture...

Mr. Havok, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

A List of Things I Don't Understand

Throw Pillows Are Dumb
Why Can't I Sit On My Couch
Fluffy Thing in Way

British accents lame
Can't Understand you jack-ass
Sound Like pudding

Testicles are weird
Different Temperature
Than rest of body

Babies cry a lot
Poop wherever they want to
Kind of awesome life

Dumplings fit lots of
Stuff into dough but take
forever to make

Dogs lick their genitals
Yet their owners still kiss them
On the lips with tongue

I can't figure out
The number of syllables
In the word wires

How did powdered wigs
Ever be major fashion
statement same with Uggs

Why does the mustache
talk politics all the time
without making sense

How does curly hair
always stay curly when you
think bout gravity

Who invented bread
add yeast to flour and shit
seems weird idea

Math Nerd Jokes are the Best

Sorry, but there's gonna be real light posting for the next 3 weeks (again) as the real world continues to rear it's ugly head. I'll try to spend 10 min a night or so writing so I can at least get 3 or 4 posts in during the next week. Especially since my mustachioed roomate up here in Milwaukee on my Taco Bell business trip bought a Nintendo Wii today. Like this fun little tidbit:

Mustache: "I only have one controller though. Maybe you could buy another one!"
Havok: "What the hell am I supposed to do with it after we're done here?"
Mustache: "........"

And while creating his "Mii" character I lost it when he shouted "WHERE'S THE MUSTACHE?"

OK time to play Wii. I leave you with this awesome joke:

What do you call a prostitute for an actuary?


A Risk Score.


No one will get this joke but it killed at work today (at Taco Bell obviously).


Update: Wii is awesome.

Second Update: As an act of kindness for buying Wii (and being uncoordinated as hell playing it) I have decided to watch Anime with the roomate. I hate it. But he bought Wii, I will be kind. We are watching this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Death_Note

Rejoice! Havok is done with his test!

THERE IS A MOUNTAIN OF SNOW, up past the big glen
we have a castle enclosed, there is a fountain
out of the fountain flows gold, into a huge hand
that hand is held by a bear who had a sick band!

of ghosts and cats
and pigs and bats
with brooms and bats
and wigs and rats
and play big dogs like queens and kings
and everyone plays drums and sings

about BIG SHARKS,
SHARP SWORDS,
BEAST BEES,
BEAD LORDS
SWEET CAKES
MACE LAKES

O MA MA MA MA MA MA MA MA

News Brief: Havok Garners Respect for 2 Middle Aged Women

Short post, and last post for a while because the real world calls. I've got a 7 layer crunch burrito making exam coming up so that's why.

Anyway, I actually gained some respect for 2 specific middle aged women. First, my momma cause it's mother's day and you gotta respect where you came from. I just realized that I was conceived about the same time that Motley Crue's Shout at the Devil came out. This is definitely not a coincidence.

Second, I was in the elevator the other night going to broomball. Of course I was wearing the zubaz, poison shirt and axl rose headgear, because how else are you supposed to go to athletic events? So this middle aged woman was going down to the laundry room and says to me, "Oh good you're wearing a jacket, it's cold out there!"

My First reaction that I didn't actually say was, "Guhhhhhh of course a middle aged woman would comment about my jacket. Either that or an old person would, but they're excused." But instead I said, "Yeah it's because I'm going to play broomball, which is also why I'm wearing these pants."

Her reply, "Oh I wasn't going to say anything about those, my husband wears those all the time!"

Touche lady. Touche. I kind of have respect for you now. Any woman that thinks Zubaz are normal attire gets an A+ in my book.

Once was lost, but now am found, was blind, but now i see

So I've been thinking a lot about these two new commenters. Who are they? Where did they come from? No one could have possibly linked to my blog, I'm far too untalented, bizarre, and esoteric for that. Could it be John Mayer trying to play mind games with me? Naw, Mayer wouldn't respond with such hostility, he'd go write a mediocre emotionless song about it. Could it be disgruntled Cirque du Soleil employees? Naw, the language is a bit harsh for that. Could it be middle aged women? Quite possibly, but one guy says his name is Paul. So what does that leave? God help me! Wait...that's it...oh my goodness...

JESUS CHRIST HIMSELF IS COMMENTING ON MY BLOG!

Jesus has a puppy too!

Yes, the only logical conclusion is that Jesus Himself is sending me messages in the comment section of this blog as the person who calls himself, "anonymous". Ha, that Jesus, so humble that he won't even post his name. Well I have figured it out Lord! You are my shepherd! This means that the person who calls himself, "paul" is in fact, St. Paul the Apostle.

Does it matter that anonymous dropped the f bomb and called me a douche bag? NO
Does it matter that He insulted my profession in the food service industry? NO
Does it matter that He referred to me with a bigoted term for homosexual? NO
Does it matter that he heckles me in telling me that you shouldn't heckle people creating hypocritical circular logic? NO
Does it matter that comparing a food service industry profession with meager wages and benefits to playing a game for a living causing no basis for comparison other the fact that they're both jobs? NO
Does it matter that Paul insults my salary without knowing my actual wages at Taco Bell? NO****
Does it matter that the only heckling I actually say that I did was in German, a language the players don't speak? NO
Does it matter that it would actually add some spice to my day of making chalupas in Taco Bell if someone burst in and started heckling me in German? NO
Does it matter that He thinks that everyone needs to have strong arms rather than the little pussy ass arms I have? NO
Does it matter that they respond to other peoples comments as if I said them when clearly I wasn't involved because I actually have a blog where I can post things? NO

What matters is that He is risen, and has brought Paul with him! I am your servant Lord. I was wrong to heckle those ball players! You are right! Guide my lost soul! Teach me some gnarly curls so I can have huge ripped arms like you Jesus! Tell me why I shouldn't be wearing a tampon during baseball games! Tell me how not to be a douchebag and be awesome like you! I am your humble servant! I promise I will never heckle again. Thank you for putting me in my place Jesus, you of all people know that marginalizing someone with swears and bigoted slurs is the way to change them for the positive. Thank you.

Everybody praise Jesus with me, for I once was lost, but now am found, was blind, but now I see...




****I have changed my mind about this one. It actually does matter that he insulted my salary because Paul says, "And Ill bet my life you're never going to see as much money as those guys make in a month!" Well the guy I claim to have heckled with German insults is Ryan Langerhans. I looked him up on espn.com and he has a 2007 salary of $410,000. This of course makes his monthly salary $34,167. I work 42 hours a week at Taco Bell making chalupas and I make $8.50 an hour. I work 49 weeks a year because I get 3 weeks vacation. This means I make $17,493 a year. Ignoring taxes, even though he is in a higher bracket, and going off of the safe assumption that I live in my mother's basement and eat her food and Taco Bell all the time, this means that I would, in fact, see as much money as he makes in a month in less than two years as 17,493 x 2 = 34,986 > 34,167. Paul officially loses this bet and must lose his life or give it over to me. He's obviously going to choose giving it over to me because killing himself would send him to Hell where he couldn't be BFF with Jesus anymore.

The Apocolypse of Havok...

Here I was going through my life as a Taco Bell employee and resident Douchebag of Chicago. Life was pretty boring for me, all I would do is make Chalupas and generally act like a jerk to everyone I ever met. Sometimes I would eat nothing but Hot Sauce packets for dinner. When I went places I would just tell people that I was dating Jessica Alba, but she was busy working on a movie so they couldn't meet her, then I would go and act like a douchebag some more and make more chalupas.

Then I thought to myself, how can I change my life? I know! I will start a blog that my fellow Taco Bell employees and 15 imaginary friends will read! It will be called Zubaz and Cock Rock and it will show off just how much of a Douchebag I can be.

So off I went, and I would indeed blog, and all my fellow douchebags and Taco Bell employees would read it and laugh and act like douchebags. Then one day, it happened.

People that weren't imaginary and weren't douchebags started reading the blog.

Yes, on this day 3 people I am sure I don't know, have commented on a post I wrote. Actually, it looks like one guy commented twice, so two people did. Here are their thoughts about the post about saturday's Cubs game:

Anonymous said...

Wow.. youre a fucking douche bag. Those guys actually have a JOB! and are at WORK! Do they come to burger king and tell you how to flip patties? Maybe I should tell them to.. Its pretty awesome how you get off on "heckling" people while theyre at work. Nice life. Keep up the good work. F*****.

Paul said...

I agree, you all need to get a life. You take the heckling a little too far. I hope you know the players all think you're a bunch of loser idiots. While youre sitting getting drunk and yelling at them, theyre all laughing thinking "whatever dude, keep it up, youre paying my salary" And Ill bet my life you're never going to see as much money as those guys make in a month! And I bet you're the same guy who would want a signed ball.

Anonymous said...

yeah.... then to go on a website and brag about what a dick you were? Very cool. Something to be proud of. See you at burger king

Frankly, I'm shocked and flattered that people took the time to read this and even dissect my writing style so well!

Perhaps it is time to end this blog? I never thought that people would read this blog and think that I work at Burger King. It is Taco Bell you insensitive neanderthals. I am going to cry myself to sleep now.

Unless, if these people are Cirque du Soleil employees. Then I will continue.

(Seriously, where did you people come from? I'd honestly like to know. I'm not going to post hate messages anywhere or anything, I'm just curious as to how my readership got a 20% readership increase from 10 people to 12 when I haven't even posted pictures of my girlfriend, Jessica Alba, yet because she's busy working on a movie.)

My Top 5 Musical Crushes

This post could easily done by anyone, and it changes practically every month, but here are the 5 women musical artists that I am currently in love with whether it be because of their talent, looks, conviction, message, voice, trustworthiness of hips, etc.

5. Catpower aka Chan Marshall



Of course my list must include at least one woman who is tragically fucked up. Chan perfectly fits that. The woman is a straight up alcoholic, or at least was. She used to have to go on stage drunk because of immense stage fright. But because of this, she shows pure beautiful emotion in her singing and that's hot.



4. Marina Ribatski


Well first of all she's wearing a Guns 'n' Roses shirt in this photo so already she's hot. Second of all, she's Brazilian which gives her auto hotness factor. Third, she sings for a group called Bonde do Role, who is about to become my favorite party band of the year when their new album "With Lasers" comes out in June. Obviously, I already own it anyway*, and seriously, play it with bad ass subwoofers and you'll love her too.



3. Shakira


Shakira will always be on my list. No explanation will ever be needed.



2. Lily Allen


Saw her live and my friends and I were fighting for her affection. Style, confidence, bravado, a cute voice, and a ton of fun. I want to have a barbeque with her and go out drinking with her, these are the signs of a perfect woman.



1. M.I.A. aka Maya Arulpragasm


The daughter of the leader of the Tamil Tigers, a Sri Lankan revolutionary group, her lyrics are all intelligent and political, her music all completely a blast of fun and insanely original, she's absolutely gorgeous, and seriously, just look at that outfit. I'm in love.



She get's 2:




*Note: Bragging that you know about an up and coming musical artist before anyone else is the sure fire mark of a Hipster Douche

Chicago Cubs vs. Montreal Expos Saturday May 5th, 2007

Well this was a fun as hell game. Finally the Cubs win while I'm there! We had bleacher seats again and propped ourselves directly in left field right behind Alfonso Soriano. Observation of the day: Soriano loves interacting with the crowd. He's all smiles in between positive plays and turns around to inform the crowd of how many outs there are. In fact, he turns around a lot to scour the crowd. Hmmm... I wonder what he could be looking for...

Theory: Alfonso Soriano needs a girlfriend.

Let's face it, Wrigley Field always has a lot of eye candy, male and female. Soriano is totally looking for a girlfriend. As soon as I find a girlfriend first I am TOTALLY going to set him up with one of her friends. Either that or I'm going to set him up with my roomate's sister. Either one is fine with me.

OK so on to my favorite part of Bleacher games, THE HECKLING. Yes, Kory Casto was playing left field for the Nationals/Expos or whatever they are. They're still the Expos to me, I still have no fucking idea what a National is, unlike the Expos. Anyway, Casto ALSO interacted with the crowd, which seems like a terrible idea. There's a patch of grass that's mis-colored and fans were yelling at him that it was a trap door. Dude goes and sticks his toe in it to taunt everyone. He also went 0-4 for the day and got replaced by LANGERHANS. I don't give a crap what his first name is, I was prepared to lay on the German insults. Other people went other directions...with the most inappropriate insult I've ever heard: "Langerhans, you couldn't hit your wife if you were drunk." Hoo boy, that's just unreal.

Langerhans had some sort of circular object in his back pants. After careful observation, we decided that it was- Bubbletape! Sauerkraut Bubbletape because he's a stupid German.




Other comments:
Two of my friends made their TV debut when the WGN cameramen zoomed in on them in between innings. I KNOW TV STARS!!!!!!!!

A family sat in front us. My friend and I won autographed baseballs and we gave them to the children. The dad bought us free beers. Score. The kids got bored and started asking me about the German I was yelling and I taught them how to say "Langerhans eats shit from the ass." It was about then that the Mom (middle aged female of course) put her kids on the other side of her and away from us. Typical. And after I told the kids not to take German because it was useless and to take Spanish (because Latinas are hot!) Such good advice.

Final Score: Cubs 5 - Nationals 3. Cubs win!

Cubs 2007 record when I'm in attendance: 1-2

Pitchers-
Cubs - Rich Hill
Nationals - John Patterson

Singer of Take Me Out to the Ballgame: George Will (who?)

How to Punk Ashton Kutcher

I don't watch much reality TV, but there's one show I watch and it's Beauty and the Geek, produced by Ashton Kutcher. Most of you reading probably understand the premise, but basically they pair one beautiful, yet not so academically inclined woman, with a smart, but socially inept man. The pair has to compete in challenges every week, the women's challenges are usually centered around something smart or guy like, and the guy's challenges are about pop culture or social skills. Winners of the challenges get to choose two teams to the quiz elimination room, and you get the picture. Final team gets $250,000 as prize money.

Now this show fascinates me for a number of reasons. First, it plays to stereotypes, is sexist, and is incredibly hilarious because of how awkward the guys are. Now I got to thinking the other day. How easy would it be to win this show as am intelligent, yet not socially retarded guy? I need to fake my way on to this show.

Now at this point I'm already a leg up on the rest of the guys for getting the $250,000. I've got the pop culture shit down, I know pop music, I have a basic understanding of celebrity culture, and I even know a few designers here and there (Marc Jacobs is my boy). Of course, other teams might realize my relative strength right away, but if that happens and I'm bullied (by nerds!) I can just go into, "Oh my gosh look at his beautiful metamorphasis into a social guy" phase immediately and hook up with the slutty beauty (or beauties).

OK, now on to how I'm going to pull this off. You're probably thinking to yourself, "LOLZ Havok you are so bad ass you could never be a NERRRRRD I would totally give you a wedgie." Well like Clark Kent to Superman, Normal Ken has some nerdy tendencies when he's not his normal Havok self. SO, off we go!

1. Fashion

So the key to this process is going full on nerdy without going so over the top that it's obvious I'm a con-man in every step. So with fashion you gotta go with something you see people wearing that might make you say, "you can't wear that" to your friend or boyfriend, but won't make you say, YEAH RIGHT JACK ASS (snakeskin belts and cowboy outfits anyone?). The answer: Jorts, high white socks, white sneakers, and a tucked in short sleeve collared shirt.




Ok this is a trial run, so i'm open to suggestions in the comments section, but here's the logic (nerd word!):

The jorts say "I'm either completely clueless or a hick", the tucked in short sleeve shirt says, "no, I'm definitely clueless" and the high white socks in the VELCRO white sneakers say, "oh jeezum crow what a nerd".

2. Appearance

I need to grow a mustache. A freaking 24 yr old in a mustache screams nerd. No hair gel, in fact no showering in the mornings so that my hair looks stupid as hell. Glasses would help, a nice little Dwight Shrute pair would rock.


3. Interests and Hobbies

OK, the closer to reality for alter ego normal Ken these are, the easier they'll be able to pull off. It's probably a bad idea to admit these, but the 15 people that read this blog know this shit already anyway. First, I have a fascination with Spongebob Squarepants. I have a clock, DVD's, video games, etc. Spongebob is hilarious and not appropriate for someone my age. Instant nerdiness there. Second, for actual work, and from college, I have three calculators, including my awesome actuarial financial calculator. I need to carry this around at all times and randomly calculate shit. Beauty says, "I really like diamonds teehee" and I can bust out the calculator and say, "mmmmmmmmmeeeeeeehhhhhhh the average karat of a diamond is 12.3 which works out to a gross price of $528 per diamond with transportation expenses running $42 per diamond and with a profit margin of 10.8% with an interest of 4% compounded continuously the diamond will be worth $896 in ten years mehhhh".

Speaking of continuous interest, I'm AN ACTUARY by trade, I'm already a nerd. This can work easily, since I'm tits at math and people that are tits at math are giant nerds. I know shit about science too and the periodic table. Also, I used to be in marching band in college for 2 years, if you don't think that's nerdy than holy fuck take up the clarinet for a couple years and you will understand. (Editors Note: Havok played trumpet, not a pussy instrument like clarinet)


4. Mannerisms

This is the hardest one. It's very difficult to figure out mannerisms and stick to them without seeming just plain creepy as opposed to nerdy. After all, these geeks in the show always come across as completely genuine. So here's my plan: start writing down absolutely everything that my roomate in Milwaukee says and does and mimic this in the future. He is the perfect candidate for this show, whether he would admit it or not. Examples:
"In my free time I like to go to Barnes and Noble and read." or after someone says the printer is out of paper, "Well sometimes the printer can be sad too!" or "Well, I don't care about cars or what they look like, if you have a space cruiser, then I'll discuss it's engine" or "I love anime". In addition to this, I think that laughing at innapropriate times and making nerd jokes might help and I have to get really nervous around girls. Like if a beauty says, "What kind of shoes should I wear?" just start laughing for no reason thinking it's a joke or say, "I bet those stillettos have a 1.3 mm diameter. Dia-meter, I hardly know her!" WAIT DAMNIT a nerd wouldn't know what a stilletto is. Already I'm fucking up.

5. An Identifier


Every geek has an identifier. If you watch the show and I say about season 3, the trekkie, the fat comic book guy, or the Star Wars band guy you KNOW who I'm talking about. I need something like this. Brainstorming: I could be "Needs bongos when anxious" guy. I could carry bongos around and everytime I talk to a girl I could get nervous and start playing a beat while chanting "oompa loompa oompa loompa" and the when I can't handle it anymore play the bongo really fast and yell "BOOM" and stop. EVERYONE would know who I was if I did this. Or how about "knows every single 80's hair metal band guy". Wait, already got that one covered.

I'm coming Ashton, watch out for my shenanigans. Failing that, there are other prizes...

Ogresmash: Stryper and Cock Rock: Drive Like Jehu

What do you think to yourself when you see this picture? I bet you think something like, "Oh man, that is classic 80's Hair Metal." Or, "Man what a sweet looking cock rock band." Or, "Hardy har fashion was so stupid in the 80's, maybe it's because I did all that cocaine when I was 4 years old that made me want to dress like this." Or "CRAP I'M ALLERGIC TO BEES". Or "Wu-Tang Killa Bees. Wu-Tang is fo-eva muthafucka! Wu-Tang Financial: Diversify your bonds, bitch!" Or "Does that guy have a turd for a face?" Or "Awwwww, cute wittle pussycat!"

Well not me. I think, "Oh damnit, who the hell let Stryper join the party, Stryper is terrible. Christian Metal is the worst." Seriously, these guys once passed off as a hair metal band. WTF mate? Holy Nikki Sixx they once had the most requested video on MTV! Honestly!



Cock Rock is supposed to be bad ass. Sex, drugs, and Rock and Roll baby. THIS is the time period where that rang the most true. Nikkie Sixx once died from an overdose and then was revived! Ozzy Osbourne peed on a line of ants then snorted them! Stryper released an album called "To Hell With the Devil"! NO! GUHHHHHH.

Let's look at where they got their name. From this bible quote: "But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed." (Isaiah 53:5) Guhhhhhhhhh. No no no no no no no no. If you're gonna use a bible quote as the inspiration for your band name, do NOT use something like that. Use something kick ass like: "And the watchman told, saying, He came even unto them, and cometh not again: and the driving is like the driving of Jehu the son of Nimshi; for he driveth furiously..." (2 Kings 9:20)

YES! BAD ASS! This is the inspiration for the band Drive Like Jehu's name obviously. Drive Like Jehu is the most underrated band in the history of bands. Drive Like Jehu is kick ass. Drive Like Jehu would rock the shit out of Stryper. Drive Like Jehu makes me want to chew on stainless steel, Stryper makes me want to eat Honey Nut Cheerios. Drive Like Jehu has awesome songs called "Bullet Train to Vegas" and "Here Come the Rome Plows" while Stryper refused to make heavier music when their fans asked for something more edgy. Guhhhh Stryper sucks. Yea verily, Drive Like Jehu is righteous and bad ass.




As the first commenter says: Holy Fuck, Bullet Train to Vegas! Holy Fuck indeed, my friend.