News Brief: Havok Garners Respect for 2 Middle Aged Women

Short post, and last post for a while because the real world calls. I've got a 7 layer crunch burrito making exam coming up so that's why.

Anyway, I actually gained some respect for 2 specific middle aged women. First, my momma cause it's mother's day and you gotta respect where you came from. I just realized that I was conceived about the same time that Motley Crue's Shout at the Devil came out. This is definitely not a coincidence.

Second, I was in the elevator the other night going to broomball. Of course I was wearing the zubaz, poison shirt and axl rose headgear, because how else are you supposed to go to athletic events? So this middle aged woman was going down to the laundry room and says to me, "Oh good you're wearing a jacket, it's cold out there!"

My First reaction that I didn't actually say was, "Guhhhhhh of course a middle aged woman would comment about my jacket. Either that or an old person would, but they're excused." But instead I said, "Yeah it's because I'm going to play broomball, which is also why I'm wearing these pants."

Her reply, "Oh I wasn't going to say anything about those, my husband wears those all the time!"

Touche lady. Touche. I kind of have respect for you now. Any woman that thinks Zubaz are normal attire gets an A+ in my book.

Milwookie

So tonight the Milwacko roomate and I went across the street to the local sports bar Champs. Before I get into the details of that I think I've finally found a better pictorial representation of the business roomie here. Jake Plummer was a tad too handsome and unfortunately so was this guy:



But now I think I may have found a MUCH more suitable picture:



This picture is SPOT the fuck on son. I bet Mark Lee has much more stylized sunglasses and much less mustaches these days.

Anyway, back to the story, which really isn't that great of a story anyway, we were at champs watching basketball and hockey and shit and I was like damn, I haven't seen any chicks in a while. Seriously, there's only about 12 out of the 80 people in the office I'm working at here. And the only hot one was brought in for the same work that I was from India! She's not even local! Why? Because all the Brookfield/Milwaukee area women are Milwookies. That is my new name for them. And come on, I'm working with a sample size of 3 locations, my work, Champs sports bar, and the mall across the street (Brookfield is the best!). The following is a recap of the women I met and the conversations we had at Champs (and if I didn't actually have a conversation with any of them, I just made shit up about what I thought it would have went like. At least one of these is real though.)

1st Girl of the Night: Leslie
Picture I took of Leslie-

Leslie:"I'm actually a really big hockey fan I love hockey and watching the men with no teeth it's really the best sport out there baseball isn't that much fun to watch although people say it's a lot of fun to drink beer to and I really like beer especially MGD that's my favorite but don't you think hockey guys with no teeth are just the cutest and I really just like black eyes too what's your favorite hockey team?"
Havok: "The-"
Leslie:"Because mine is the Red Wings even thoooooooooooo we live in Wiscaaansin-" blah blah blah blah you get the idea.

2nd girl of the night: Tina
Picture of Tina:

Tina:"What are those there green thingamajigs on your plate? They sure don't look like mini-brats to me!"
Havok:"Um, they're green beans, they're a vegetable. Shit woman, I need vitamins. How the hell am I supposed to rock without that shit?"
Tina:"Oh dear I didn't know you could get those here I thought the only vegetables you could get were cheese curds."

3rd Girl of the night: Marsha
Picture of Marsha:

Marsha:"Can you pass the butter thingys please?"
Havok:"Sure, here you g- wait...are you gonna put that on that piece of pie? Who puts butter on a piece of pie? That's not really healthy for you."
Marsha:"Hey I didn't say anything about the salad you ordered."

4th girl of the night: Bertha
Picture of Bertha: (She's the one on the left)

Bertha:"Come here you cute little businessman and lick the mustard outta my cleavage! I just wanna put a brat in my mouth IF YA KNOOOOO WHAT I MEAN!"
Havok: (Running the fuck out the door)

Ogresmash: Middle Aged Women

Now I am a young male, liberal and (semi?) intelligent. I am by no means a misogynist and I love the company of women aged 18-30ish. I don't know what I would do without the fairer sex. But, it's no secret that my worst fear is middle aged women. I know it's difficult to picture Kenny Havok with any fear, but it's true; I'm scared of middle aged women. This new pontiac commercial is just killing me, it sends me into cold shivers every time I see it. In it there's a middle aged women who tells me N-O no I can't get a convertible! Then she wants to know what's next an amp? And she MOCKS THE DEVIL HORNS! Listen bitch, when you start mocking the cock rock, you're gonna get my foot so far up your ass I might lose the Zubaz. But really, what is wrong with you? All you want to do is watch Oprah, censor music, prevent me from buying a bad ass car and kick ass amp, and talk to your friends about how other kids are a bad influence on your kid. Oh boo fucking hoo, your son (who is probably named Conner or Tanner, but that is a WHOLE OTHER POST) is getting a C- in math because other kids are a bad influence! NO BITCH, it's because he's got your dumbass genes in him. Don't you have to go be scared about killer bees and bird flu and other fake problems only you care about? Leave me alone to rock!

Let's examine the age groups of women:

Aged 0-18: They're kids, they're supposed to be annoying as hell regardless of sex.

Aged 18-30ish:

1. Smoking Hot? Check
2. Like to party? Check
3. Have a sense of humor? Check
4. Have shown signs of intelligence? Check
   
5. Are generally a ton of fun? Check

I happen to like women my age.

Aged 30ish-60ish:

1. Drive a minivan? Check
2. Name their kid douchy names? Check
3. Hate music not recorded by people named Norah Jones? Check
4. Watch Oprah? Check
5. Are afraid of everything? Check
6. Are unable to process coherant logic? Check

I wonder if he realizes he's married to Manbearpig?


Women aged 60ish-beyond:

1. Give you totally awesome shit like small jars of good and plenty's and cough drops? Check
2. Give you $5 all the time even when you're 23? Check
3. Like watching cartoons? Check
4. Get drunk easily with no regrets? Check

Luckily things even out and women become awesome again in the later years.


And she's hot too!

I am going to have the worst mid-life crisis ever. This is why I need to take the motorcycle lessons now.