Cubs vs Astros April 5, 2008

Ahhhhhhhh yes kids, baseball has started up again and we have tickets to a billion games this year and already I have visited the friendly confines. This means it's time for the first Cubbies update of the year! We decided to mix things up a bit this year. Instead of just having bleacher seats we're gonna mix it up and have half the games in the stands. There are a couple reasons for this mostly, that on weeknights, it's hard to get from my work at TACO BELL to the bleachers in time to get seats and it would just be nice to get beer service at the seat for once.

So today we had Roy Oswalt vs Jason Marquis on an absolutely gorgeous spring day, the first nice day I can remember since september. The Cubs got off to a bit of a rough start and were losing 5-3 going into the 7th until the Cubs went on a rampage scoring 5 runs in the bottom of the 7th. Fukudome continues to be amazing as he hit the go ahead double. He has already become a hero in the city and deservedly so, the guy is hitting .500!! He hears chants of Fu-ku-do-me at every game now and Cubs fans are even saying it correctly. This is of course tragically different from when they had the Japanese "It's Gonna Happen" signs that translated to "It's an accident" causing him to probably think we hated him.

One topic of conversation during the game was, if any of us were entered into the Cubs lineup for a full year, what would are batting average be, inspired by Soriano's bad average so far. I maintain that I would have a .000 average. I wouldn't get one hit. I honestly don't see any scenario where I could get a hit even with a full year of coaching. This is why I play golf, the ball doesn't move. My friends seem to think they could bat like .002 or something. I completely disagree, these guys are just way too good. I bet I could only make contact like 1 out of every 15 games. The only scenario I can envision getting a hit is if LaTroy Hawkins is pitching.



Final Score: Cubs 9 - Astros 7

Cubs record in 2008 when I am in attendance: 1-0

Starting Pitchers:
Cubs - Jason Marquis
Astros - Roy Oswalt

Singer of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame": Ron Santo (also, I was on TV during the singing!!)

Cubs vs Pirates September 23, 2007

Sooooooo sad but sooooooooo happy was this game. Sad because it was the last Cubs home game of the year. Happy because the Cubs won 8-0 and it's looking like maybe we could be... um... maybe... dare I say... PLAYOFF BOUND? At this point the Cubs sit with a 3 game lead over the Brewers with only one week left of games to play. Things are lookin' pretty good...but it's the Cubs, so I'm not crowning anybody's ass yet. You never know what's gonna happen.




So last home game of the season, we park ourselves in Left Field one last time and watch Soriano milk the crowd. This beautiful, beautiful man has been very, very good as of late. He had some hits, Derrek Lee hit a homer, Ronny Cedeno (?!) of all people went 3-4 with a home run raising his average from -.146 to something positive I think. Geovany Soto continues to look kind of bad ass at the catcher spot and even had some nice throws to pick off base stealing assholes.


File Photograph (read: gross Italian Stereotype) of Geovany Soto

So I'd be lying if I said I wasn't excited. The Cubs have had some crazy victories, it's been the most fun season I can remember since 2003 (I know that was soooo long ago). So... Go Cubs Go!

Final Score: Cubs 8 - Pirates 0

Starting Pitchers:
Cubs: Carlos Zambrano
Pirates: Tom Gorzellany

Singer of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame": The Cubs grounds crew (awwwww!)

Chicago Cubs vs. Cincinnati Reds, Wednesday August 15th, 2007

Rain delay's are a bitch. This game was supposed to have a 7pm start, but because of the thunderstorm that rolled through, it did not get rolling until 8:35. So what does this mean? I spent a solid 2 hours with 25% of my body covered by an umbrella getting 75% soaked and 100% drunk because there was so much time to get and drink beer. When this game finally got going there was a hilarious line dividing the dry part of my body from the wet part and I was on at least my 5th or 6th beer. But isn't that what makes baseball fun?

With Soriano out and a lefty pitching, the Cubs made an interesting move to start Jake Fox, a lefty who just got called up for this game. Fox was a ho-hum 1-4 for the night, but did manage to win an Oscar for Ray so he's got that going for him.



This was a very high scoring game with the Reds shitty pitcher getting pulled after only 2 innings, but still, there was so much offense that it ended up not mattering, because Druggy McHeroin, Josh Hamilton hit a 2 run homer to beat the Cubs 11-9. Adam Fucking Dunn, Captain Strikeout played left field for the Reds, but was decidedly unperturbed by the Wrigley Crowd as he had a homerun and 3 walks and only 1 strikeout. Ted Lilly looked like balls and kinda blew. But you know who is kind of awesome now? Jason Kendall. I'm not really gonna elaborate.

So it was a fun game, despite the weather and the long ass game which ended at 11:55pm. But the Cubs lost so there's that.

Final Score: Cubs 9 - Reds 11

Cubs Record in 2007 when I am in attendance: 4-5

Starting Pitchers:
Cubs - Ted Lilly
Reds - Phil Dumatrait and his awesome 7.71 ERA

Singer of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" - Tom Dreesen. Yes THE Tom Dreesen that opened for Frank Sinatra for 13 years. (WTF!)

Cubs vs Giants July 17, 2007

Well Barry freaking Bonds didn't start again, but he FINALLY got into the game to pinch hit in the 8th inning. And Wrigley Field ERUPTED. The fans went absolutely insane. Security lined up in the the stairways and one security guy said to me "we've been training for this moment for 2 months now". Aaaaaand he lined out to Soriano to MUCH applause. Said Barry after the game: "Everyone in that field was bored until I came in". Partially true Barry, partially true. You forget that we were also drunk (or so says the stereotype of bleacher bums).



The most interesting part of post game is how much it centers around the fans. Rarely do you see that about other teams, but if you check out the write-up of this game on espn.com, you'll notice how the fans chanting, cheering, or booing is mentioned no less than 8 times. That's a lot of writing centered around fan reaction and participation during a sporting event and that is the reason that I love going to Cubs games. White Sox fans can sit there and say Cubs fans are drunks that don't care about the game all they want but they would never get an article about them written like that.

Final Score: Cubs 2 - Giants 4

Cubs Record in 2007 when I am in attendance: 4-4

Starting Pitchers
Cubs - Sean Marshall (again!)
Giants - Barry Zito

Singer of Take Me Out to the Ballgame: I can't remember. Some soul band from chicago.

Cubs vs Giants July 16, 2007

Go Cubs gooooo! Go Cubs goooooo! Hey Chicago whaddya say Cubs are gonna win today!

OK so the reason we got the tickets for this date was because of the slim possibility that Barry Bonds would break the home run record while at Wrigley. Unfortunately he's only at 751 which is still 4 short of 755 and it looks like the Giants are going to rig it so he breaks the record in San Francisco which makes sense because it's literally the only stadium on earth he won't get booed in when he breaks it. But that doesn't mean we can't boo the shit out of him when he's in Chicago right?

Wrong. Bonds got benched today because he has "tired legs". Which is really because he said that it was "a fucking embarassment" that he was wearing that uniform the way he was playing. Also, the drunk fans in the bleachers would boo and heckle him to no end, NOT ME THOUGH BECAUSE I NO LONGER HECKLE AT GAMES BECAUSE JESUS HAS SHOWN ME THE LIGHT. Instead we got "Franzia" Frandsen in left. Who? Whatever.


Obviously I picked the Sunset Blush.

Still, this was a ridiculously fun game. It was a huge pitchers duel for sure with barely any scoring, only home runs from Felipe Lopez of the Giants and backup catcher Koyie Hill of the Cubs until the Giants went ahead 2-1 after a Soriano error. But the Cubs fought back hard and in the 8th inning Aramis Ramirez hit a thrilling 2 run double right by us to put the Cubs ahead 3-2 for good. After this happened the Cubs fans in the bleachers started throwing cups on to the field for no apparent reason. We'll let ESPN, who televised the game, give their account of the cup throwing:

"After Ramirez's double off Randy Messenger cleared the bases, fans began throwing garbage over the outfield fences from several directions in a strange response to their team taking the lead. The grounds crew scurried out to clean up the mess."

HA! I have no idea why the hell that happened either. Anyway, awesome game, Cubs are RED HOT now.

Final Score Cubs 3 - Giants 2

Cubs record in 2007 when I am in attendance: 4-3

Starting Pitchers:
Cubs - Rich Hill (6-6, 3.70 ERA)
Giants - Tim Lincecum

Singer of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame": NASCAR Driver Juan Montoya. Hooray.

Cubs vs Mariners June 13, 2007

This was the only game of the year that we didn't have bleacher seats and had normal seats and boy it was a beautiful night. Since this game was already almost a week ago I won't say much. But I will say this: the infamous DTD was back in town and joined us for the game. Here's a picture of what he looks like these days:



Anyway, it was a royally fun game, lots of action and Sean Marshall pitched well. When I was in the bathroom I overheard the following quote on the bathroom radio from Ernie Banks: If the Cubs win I'm gonna buy everyone in the stadium Cubcakes.

Well I'm still waiting Ernie.

Also, we got to see Ichiro play. I really wish Ichiro were American and not Japanese, because this guy is literally the Hibachi! of baseball. Favorite Ichiro quotes:

• On breaking out of a hitting slump: "Yesterday, I ate two ice creams," he said through an interpreter. "Usually I only eat one."

• On fans at Wrigley: "Before the game started, the fans were nice and polite, and that was nice," Ichiro said. "But after the game started and they started drinking beer, lots of beer, their personality changed. And that was fun for me to see."

and the best one

• On the city of Cleveland: "To tell the truth, I'm not excited to go to Cleveland, but we have to," Ichiro said through an interpreter. "If I ever saw myself saying I'm excited going to Cleveland, I'd punch myself in the face, because I'm lying."

Final Score: Cubs 3 - Mariners 2

Cubs record in 2007 when I am in attendance: 3-3

Starting Pitchers:
Cubs - Sean Marshall (he's the new Glendon Rusch, we always see him. Except he gets wins on rare occasions rather than never.)
Mariners - Jorge Batista

Singer of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" - Ernie Banks

Cubs vs Brewers June 6, 2007

So after free taco day at Taco Bell on tuesday June 5, the Bell took me to a baseball game at Miller Park on wednesday. The Bell provided a tailgate with free food and booze 2 hours before the game. So what did my non-moustachioed coworkers and I decide was the best thing to do?

Tailgate before the tailgate.

So I had about 1000 Miller Lites or so before the game. Who do I end up sitting next to? The head principal at, um, Taco Bell. And his wife and daughter. Luckily, thanks to a double and home run by my new favorite player, Felix Pie, the Cubs won and all my coworkers from Milwaukee celebrated the Cubs beating their team by throwing sunflower seeds and popcorn at me.

Final Score: Cubs 6 - Brewers 2

Cubs record when I am in attendance in 2007: 2-3

Starting Pitchers:
Cubs - Carlos Zambrano (first time ever seeing him, and fresh off of fighting Michael Barrett in the clubhouse)
Brewers - Jeff Suppan

Singer of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" - the crowd (celebreties don't give a shit about the Brewers)

Cubs vs. Marlins - May 28th, 2007

Well by some miracle of God, I wasn't called into work today and was able to drive back to Chicago for one day to see the Cubs play the Marlins. We got to see the Cubs enlist a shithouse offensive effort against the Marlins D-squad of pitching. No worries though, it was a beautiful day! Byung Hun Kim pitched for the Marlins and it's always fun to see a crazy 5 foot 1 inch sidearmed pitcher even if he destroys your team despite incredibly sucking at baseball. Cubs waged a minor 9th inning rally that fell short and lost the game 5-3. Boo. Sean Marshall, who looks slightly mentally challenged, pitched well but everyone decided not to get any hits until the 9th.

Josh Willingham was in left field for the Marlins, but WE DIDN'T HECKLE HIM AT ALL AND NO ONE ELSE DID IN THE ENTIRE OUTFIELD because I am a reformed born-again who doesn't heckle anymore thanks to Anonymous commenter and Paul the commenter aka Jesus and Paul the Apostle.

Two young ladies sat next to us during the game and wanted a ball real badly and apparently wanted to talk to me real badly as she kept complaining that I was too quiet. One was rail thin and my friend, I'll change his name to protect him and call him "Jeff", said to me, "Do you think that girl eats at all? I feel like we should buy her a hot dog or something." The jokes continued from there. Here's a picture of her:



That's even her actual hairstyle too.

Final Score: Marlins 5 - Cubs 3

Cubs record in 2007 when I am in attendance: 1-3

Pitchers:
Marlins - Byung Hun Kim
Cubs - Sean Marshall

Singer of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame"- Andre Dawson

Chicago Cubs vs. Montreal Expos Saturday May 5th, 2007

Well this was a fun as hell game. Finally the Cubs win while I'm there! We had bleacher seats again and propped ourselves directly in left field right behind Alfonso Soriano. Observation of the day: Soriano loves interacting with the crowd. He's all smiles in between positive plays and turns around to inform the crowd of how many outs there are. In fact, he turns around a lot to scour the crowd. Hmmm... I wonder what he could be looking for...

Theory: Alfonso Soriano needs a girlfriend.

Let's face it, Wrigley Field always has a lot of eye candy, male and female. Soriano is totally looking for a girlfriend. As soon as I find a girlfriend first I am TOTALLY going to set him up with one of her friends. Either that or I'm going to set him up with my roomate's sister. Either one is fine with me.

OK so on to my favorite part of Bleacher games, THE HECKLING. Yes, Kory Casto was playing left field for the Nationals/Expos or whatever they are. They're still the Expos to me, I still have no fucking idea what a National is, unlike the Expos. Anyway, Casto ALSO interacted with the crowd, which seems like a terrible idea. There's a patch of grass that's mis-colored and fans were yelling at him that it was a trap door. Dude goes and sticks his toe in it to taunt everyone. He also went 0-4 for the day and got replaced by LANGERHANS. I don't give a crap what his first name is, I was prepared to lay on the German insults. Other people went other directions...with the most inappropriate insult I've ever heard: "Langerhans, you couldn't hit your wife if you were drunk." Hoo boy, that's just unreal.

Langerhans had some sort of circular object in his back pants. After careful observation, we decided that it was- Bubbletape! Sauerkraut Bubbletape because he's a stupid German.




Other comments:
Two of my friends made their TV debut when the WGN cameramen zoomed in on them in between innings. I KNOW TV STARS!!!!!!!!

A family sat in front us. My friend and I won autographed baseballs and we gave them to the children. The dad bought us free beers. Score. The kids got bored and started asking me about the German I was yelling and I taught them how to say "Langerhans eats shit from the ass." It was about then that the Mom (middle aged female of course) put her kids on the other side of her and away from us. Typical. And after I told the kids not to take German because it was useless and to take Spanish (because Latinas are hot!) Such good advice.

Final Score: Cubs 5 - Nationals 3. Cubs win!

Cubs 2007 record when I'm in attendance: 1-2

Pitchers-
Cubs - Rich Hill
Nationals - John Patterson

Singer of Take Me Out to the Ballgame: George Will (who?)

Chicago Cubs vs St. Louis Cardinals April 22, 2007

Today was our first bleacher game of 10 this year. Since it was Cubs/Cards we got there 2 hours early to get good left field seats for Pooholes home runs. Yes, I'm a Cubs fan and I said Pooholes home runs. This is because Wade Miller was pitching for the Cubbies. Wade Miller sucks nuts. We set the total home run over under for the game at 4. I took the over and predicted 7 HR which turned out to be spot on. This is because Wade Miller was pitching for the Cubbies. Wade Miller sucks nuts.

Fun stuff during the game:

Chris Duncan was playing left field for the Cards. This guy took a ton of harrassment from the Bleacher Bums. Favorite insults: "Duncan you're a Yo-Yo, why don't you go walk the dog!" "Duncan Donuts! Make you fat!" "Duncan, your mom eats hot dogs!"

I don't like to make fun of girls physical appearances but I think we saw the worst boob job ever today. These things were just not right. They looked like inflatable elf shoes near the neck. Just awful plastic surgery.




Anyway, real fun game with lots of scoring. Highlight of the game was when Soriano pinch hit in the 9th and then DeRosa knocked him home to tie the game and send it to extra innings. The Cubs still lost in the 10th, but it was a fun game. Cardinals win 12-9.

Cubs record in 2007 when I am in attendance: 0-2.

Pitchers:
Cubs - Wade Miller
Cardinals - Adam Wainwright

Singer of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame": Robbie Gould (such a nice guy!)

Chicago Cubs: Cubs vs. Reds at Wrigley Field April 15th, 2007

So since I live in Wrigleyville and will be going to 11 or 12 Cubs games this year, I've decided to document each game in this blog. None of these posts will be particularly funny, unless if you find the Cubs to be comically bad, but this will be the only way I can remember all of these games. That probably means I will write a lot of these summaries drunk. Fun!

Today was Jackie Robinson day at Wrigley Field as well as every baseball stadium in America. This was very moving for me because they handed out pamphlets about Robinson to every fan and when I had a snot rocket in the 5th inning I was able to use the trivia page in the pamphlet as a tissue. I'm not sure what I would have done without Jackie Robinson. Legendary.

Today's opponent for the Cubs was the Cincinnati Reds. I thought the "Reds" is a ridiculously stupid nickname, until I saw their logo:



Ken Griffey Jr. prefers you call the team "Commies"


So anyway, I have nothing interesting to say about this game because the final score was 1-0 Reds and the Cubs sucked balls. Well everyone except for Theriot, who has three hits. Fun fact about Theriot's name: everyone pronounces it "Terrio" but I have decided it's supposed to
be pronounced "The Riot" and I think this is my decision so CALL HIM THE RIOT.

Cubs record in 2007 when I am in attendance: 0-1.

Pitchers:
Cubs - Ted Lilly
Commies - Ryan Lohse

Singer of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame": Brady Quinn (so hot!)