Heaven Isn't Too Far Away...

Yet Another Person Sees My Desperate Cries for Help, Stache Wages an Intervention

It's no secret that I've been working some insane hours recently and it's left me winded and stressed out. I haven't been to a bar in a while, I haven't chilled back with some beer, and I'm here holidays eating shitty food and complaining about how much I hate the stache. So last night I get home from working another 14 hour day at about 10 pm (yes on a holiday weekend saturday). There's absolutely nothing to drink in my apartment except for a bottle of Yellow Tail.

I'm tired, the Indians aren't answering their phones so there's no one to hang out with, so damnit I want a glass of wine. So I'm opening up the bottle when the corkscrew snaps and is stuck in the cork.

Damnit.

Well, fuck, I really want a glass of wine and there's nothing else to drink and I'm about to spend 3 hours playing Wii with the stache, I need this. So I jab a BBQ fork into the bottle. Eventually, after some work, THAT broke. OK NOW I was starting to get pissed off. I was swearing at the bottle and swearing at the fork and yelling things like, "Jesus tap-dancing Christ I fucking just want a glass of wine." Then I started stabbing the cork with a pair of scissors to no avail. Finally, I just used the scissors to push down the cork into the wine, displacing some of the wine and spraying it everywhere in our kitchen. This of course made me giggle like a kid in a candy store.

At this point, Stache comes over and says, "Ken I think you have a problem. You really should go to some AA meetings. These are the signs of an alcoholic."

Um...excuse me? Trying to open a fucking bottle of wine is the sign of an alcoholic? What? I JUST WANTED A DAMN GLASS OF WINE!

I thought about what he said for a second and I burst out laughing and drank the entire bottle.

Point/Counterpoint

VERY quick post as it is saturday and I am in work (Taco Bell has the ebays obviously).

I've been avoiding the stache as much as possible. You all probably think I'm a dick for hating him so much, but seriously I'm this close to exploding. I have a family history of high blood pressure and alcoholism and this is the last thing I need. The jury is in, my coworkers can't stand him even remotely either.

However, a different school of thought has arisen from my coworkers on how to deal with him. In a recent Bill Simmons article, Bill brings up this quote:

In "Crimes and Misdemeanors," Alan Alda's character defines comedy as equaling
"tragedy plus time."

My coworker Tim has similar thoughts. He is saying that I should spend as much time as possible with the stache now, because despite how much it sucks, the stories that will come from it and the bonding I'll experience with other coworkers as a result of mutual hatred of him, far surpasses the current negatives. Interesting point. I will dwell on it.

Milwookie

So tonight the Milwacko roomate and I went across the street to the local sports bar Champs. Before I get into the details of that I think I've finally found a better pictorial representation of the business roomie here. Jake Plummer was a tad too handsome and unfortunately so was this guy:



But now I think I may have found a MUCH more suitable picture:



This picture is SPOT the fuck on son. I bet Mark Lee has much more stylized sunglasses and much less mustaches these days.

Anyway, back to the story, which really isn't that great of a story anyway, we were at champs watching basketball and hockey and shit and I was like damn, I haven't seen any chicks in a while. Seriously, there's only about 12 out of the 80 people in the office I'm working at here. And the only hot one was brought in for the same work that I was from India! She's not even local! Why? Because all the Brookfield/Milwaukee area women are Milwookies. That is my new name for them. And come on, I'm working with a sample size of 3 locations, my work, Champs sports bar, and the mall across the street (Brookfield is the best!). The following is a recap of the women I met and the conversations we had at Champs (and if I didn't actually have a conversation with any of them, I just made shit up about what I thought it would have went like. At least one of these is real though.)

1st Girl of the Night: Leslie
Picture I took of Leslie-

Leslie:"I'm actually a really big hockey fan I love hockey and watching the men with no teeth it's really the best sport out there baseball isn't that much fun to watch although people say it's a lot of fun to drink beer to and I really like beer especially MGD that's my favorite but don't you think hockey guys with no teeth are just the cutest and I really just like black eyes too what's your favorite hockey team?"
Havok: "The-"
Leslie:"Because mine is the Red Wings even thoooooooooooo we live in Wiscaaansin-" blah blah blah blah you get the idea.

2nd girl of the night: Tina
Picture of Tina:

Tina:"What are those there green thingamajigs on your plate? They sure don't look like mini-brats to me!"
Havok:"Um, they're green beans, they're a vegetable. Shit woman, I need vitamins. How the hell am I supposed to rock without that shit?"
Tina:"Oh dear I didn't know you could get those here I thought the only vegetables you could get were cheese curds."

3rd Girl of the night: Marsha
Picture of Marsha:

Marsha:"Can you pass the butter thingys please?"
Havok:"Sure, here you g- wait...are you gonna put that on that piece of pie? Who puts butter on a piece of pie? That's not really healthy for you."
Marsha:"Hey I didn't say anything about the salad you ordered."

4th girl of the night: Bertha
Picture of Bertha: (She's the one on the left)

Bertha:"Come here you cute little businessman and lick the mustard outta my cleavage! I just wanna put a brat in my mouth IF YA KNOOOOO WHAT I MEAN!"
Havok: (Running the fuck out the door)

In fact , it's pronounced "mill-e-wah-que" which is Algonquin for "the good land."

Quick post with first impressions from my day in Milwaukee. I am actually in Brookfield which is a western suburb of Milwaukee. As far as I can tell, there's nothing here except for chains and malls. I work across the street from a mall and the closest restaraunt is a Buttfuckers (read: Fuddruckers). The workday is normally 7:45-4:15 here. 4:15!!!! Can you imagine getting out that early! Holy crap!

My apartment here is real nice. Fully furnished, with everything, huge bedroom, my own bathroom with 2 sinks, a completely useless loft, a balcony with no grill. I have a roomate here. His name is Matt and he is from the Phoenix office. He is 23 years old, went to Stanford and sports a moustache with no sense of hilariousness or irony. It's just there to make him look good. Seriously. No, really. In fact, he kind of looks like this:




Anyway, he's a really really nice guy, couldn't be more kind and in his spare time he said he "likes to go to Barnes and Noble and read books" so we should have a lot to uhhhhhh talk about.