Hibachi!

Dancin like Hibachi!

So back in November, some of my friends wanted me to join their fantasy basketball league. Well, last night concluded the league and who won the league?...

BOOM! My team HIBACHI won the league! I am the super-mega-awesome-kinglord of fantasy basketball and all must bow to my fantasy bball prowess. It’s probably because I’m so much more ghetto than all of my friends.

To put this victory in perspective let’s look at my record for the year. In 24 weeks of play my team was a staggering 22-1-1 and my category record was 101-57-4. That’s called TOTAL FUCKING DOMINATION. That’s 1 week away from a league naked run. Don’t get me wrong I have a lot of respect for the managers of (the teams that placed 2-4) everyone, but that is ace.

So who is my team MVP?

Why HIBACHI himself of course, Mr. Gilbert Arenas.

Agent Zero is by far the most bad ass player in the NBA. His blog is even funnier than mine (if not intentionally so). http://aol.nba.com/blog/gilbert_arenas.html#070322_01

The man even has Gilbertology, the study of Gilbert Arenas devoted to him

http://www.gilbertology.net/

Where does the name Hibachi! come from? Agent Zero started yelling Hibachi! after every shot he took because he was just so damn hot, just like a Hibachi grill. How many websites does Gilbert read? None, except for his own blog.
I love Agent Zero.

The World if Havok were a Rapper Part 1

This post will be short because I am tired and want to go to bed, but today, a startling revelation occurred. I can not ignore rap music, as it remains a staple of American culture right now, but you have to admit, rap totally sucks balls right now with only a few exceptions (Ghostface Killah and MF Doom anyone?). About a year ago I created a rap song. It's pretty much the freshest thing every created. So then a few days later my friends and I were hanging out on the street. It was pretty much a normal day, I had my acid wash jeans rolled up to my shins and was wearing my super awesome blue wifebeater. Two hotties rolled up on bikes having some lame conversation about hips or something. They turned out to be cool though and they even jammed with me for a bit. Here is a video of the proceedings:



So yeah, does that song sound familiar?

MIMS YOU BASTARD YOU STOLE "THIS IS WHY I'M HOT" FROM ME AND I'M GONNA SUE YOUR ASS! LISTEN TO THE LYRICS! THEY'RE THE SAME!

Guhhh.

(Remind me never to post again when I have absolutely nothing to say and have been watching ABC Family)

Chicago Cubs: Cubs vs. Reds at Wrigley Field April 15th, 2007

So since I live in Wrigleyville and will be going to 11 or 12 Cubs games this year, I've decided to document each game in this blog. None of these posts will be particularly funny, unless if you find the Cubs to be comically bad, but this will be the only way I can remember all of these games. That probably means I will write a lot of these summaries drunk. Fun!

Today was Jackie Robinson day at Wrigley Field as well as every baseball stadium in America. This was very moving for me because they handed out pamphlets about Robinson to every fan and when I had a snot rocket in the 5th inning I was able to use the trivia page in the pamphlet as a tissue. I'm not sure what I would have done without Jackie Robinson. Legendary.

Today's opponent for the Cubs was the Cincinnati Reds. I thought the "Reds" is a ridiculously stupid nickname, until I saw their logo:



Ken Griffey Jr. prefers you call the team "Commies"


So anyway, I have nothing interesting to say about this game because the final score was 1-0 Reds and the Cubs sucked balls. Well everyone except for Theriot, who has three hits. Fun fact about Theriot's name: everyone pronounces it "Terrio" but I have decided it's supposed to
be pronounced "The Riot" and I think this is my decision so CALL HIM THE RIOT.

Cubs record in 2007 when I am in attendance: 0-1.

Pitchers:
Cubs - Ted Lilly
Commies - Ryan Lohse

Singer of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame": Brady Quinn (so hot!)

The Great Operation Battle

So we have 4 friends enrolled in the Northwestern Med School right now. I'll change their names to protect their innocence. We'll call them Vince, Justin, Andy, and Jon. Last night I was at a bar with my friends and this bar was loaded with old board games, one of the games being Operation. We decided that we need our med school friends to have an Operation battle. Immediately, my money is on Vince. Having lived with Vince in the past, I know his true abilities and he is second to none. Matt has his money on Andy, Chuck has Justin, and Fat Tony has Jon. They are idiots clearly. Vince is the master and will prevail. I will blog about this again once the battle happens, but for now, GOOOOOOOO VINCE!

Ogresmash: The Stinky Stinky

Warning: Do not read this post. It is disgusting and juvenile. I just need to get this off of my chest. (Editors Note: that is not a Cleveland Steamer joke) At least it has no gross pictures though.

I'm coming up on having worked for my company for 2 years now and there are still a few things I just don't get. First, I do not understand the work fart etiquette. Sometimes I get bad gas after eating Chipotle and I need to belt out a monster fart. I just know it's going to be loud too, the air pocket builds in my large intestine. What am I supposed to do here? Just let it out? That would be rude for others, but it's MY CUBICLE not theirs so what the hell is the big deal? What's the etiquette here? Your thoughts are appreciated in the comment section.

Second, today was about the 10^th or so time that I've gone into a stall in the bathroom and there's been a dookie and toilet paper still floatin' around in there. What. The. Fuck. Ok obviously everyone poops, except for girls. Oh, and that one guy's girlfriend that we nicknamed "The Dumptruck" in college. Sooooo, there's only 3 possibilites here.

1. Some dude forgot to flush 10 different times.
2. Sniper Shit.
3. Someone clogged the toilet. Someone clogged a fucking industrial toilet.

I will explore these one by one

First, the forgetful flusher. I don't know what to say about this one. This guy is just a forgetful asshole.

Second, the Lee Harvey Oswald shitter. There are some rules about sniper shitting. It's just not OK in the work setting. I mean, I'm at work, why make my day shitty (no pun intended)? Situations where the sniper shit is appropriate: College. Come on, living in a fraternity, you gotta sniper shit at least a couple times. Like, if your cook makes "cholesterol casserole" for dinner; it's sniper shit time! Don't want your hallway to endure the aftereffects of that! Hiroshima the 4^th floor! Or if someone on the third floor drinks all your Old Style; punish his toilet with an Old Style Sniper Shit! But never sniper shit in work damnit.

Third, the toilet is so full of it, it's gotta be named the Dick Cheney shit. How the fuck do you clog an industrial toilet? Going back to the fraternity house, we restocked all of our toilet paper. There was a kid who once used an entire roll of toilet paper for one shit. TWICE. I had to tape a sign to the door asking for the double flush. WHY CAN'T YOU DOUBLE FLUSH? It's REALLY simple! And why the hell do you need that much toilet paper?! Do you have a gatling gun buckshot anus? Lordy, lighten up on the paper and save a tree you asshole!

Ogresmash: The Ten Commandments

Now I know what you're thinking based off that title. OH NO HE'S GONNA GET ALL PREACHY ON US! How the hell can Havok possibly convince me that murdering isn't bad? Well I'm not gonna talk about the actual commandments no matter how goddamn stupid some of them seem.* (God seriously includes oxes and asses as things not to covet. And while not coveting an ass seems like brilliant foreshadowing, because what girl doesn't want a little junk in the trunk these days, no one cares about oxes anymore. God is not hip, that should be changed at least to bell bottoms so that God can be as much with the times as the Catholic Church is. Run-on sentences are the best.) No today I'm going to talk about the movie, the Ten Commandments, starring Charlton Heston and the overall story leading up to the creation of the commandments. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0049833/

OK, my problem is that Moses is a dumb ass. To fill those in that don't know the story, Moses is born a Jew, but his mom pulls a total inner city Detroit and leaves him in a river. Some sterile Egyptian bitch related to the Pharoah finds him and raises him and he competes with Ramses to be the next Pharaoh. Moses is the George Michael to Ramses Andrew Ridgeley and he's gonna be the next Pharaoh until he finds out he's a Hebrew.

OK Let's stop right here for a second. This is a pretty big revelation. You're Jewish. But you're gonna be the next Pharaoh. No one knows you're Jewish except you and your mother. What do you do next? Here are the options as I see them:

1. Don't tell anyone and just be Pharaoh.

Option 1 would be pretty kick ass. You get a tits life as Pharaoh. Lots of pyramids in your honor. A legacy for the rest of your life and thousands of years to come. But, if you have a heavy moral pulse, this would suck having "your people" be slaves to build your shit. So that's the downside. Oh, and you'll go to hell if you believe in that sort of thing.

2. Don't tell anyone and when you become Pharaoh, yell "GOTCHA BITCHES!" and free the Hebrew slaves.

Frees your conscience this way.

ANY OTHER DECISION IS STUPID. So what does this asshole do? Tells everyone he's Hebrew and nearly gets his ass killed. Lotta good that would have done jackass, now your people can't be freed. Guhhhhhhhhh Moses is an idiot.

Yeah this seems like a WAY better idea than just becoming Pharaoh and freeing everyone.

SIDE NOTES FROM THE TEN COMMANDMENTS:

Because I am a pervert, it took me 2 hours to realize that bondage = slavery and not S&M sex. That may seem like a long time, but this movie is 6 hours long, so it's not.

When God takes the form of the burning bush to talk to Moses, he speaks slowly and slurs his speech. I'm pretty sure this symbolized that God was drunk at the time.

After having 5 opportunities to free the slaves, and choosing the hardest way possible to go about freeing them, Moses leads everyone around in the desert for 40 years. Seriously. Dumb ass.

*Note to self: Refrain from breaking commandments when establishing an opinion about them in the future.

The Douchebag Girlfriend/Boyfriend Theory

The Ultimate Douchebag: John Mayer

80% of my audience (4 out of 5 people) have heard this theory before, but it bears repeating and needs to be published. This will be the first theory I write on this blog of many to come. Most of the theories have been scientifically proven true, but some are still open for debate. This one falls into the former category; it is absolutely 100% megasuperawesome true and is nearly impossible to prove false.*

The theory: By the time they reach age 24, every person has dated, at some point, a male or a female with a douchebag name. You must have dated at least 2 people to rule out nerds that have never dated, the psychos that married the first person they ever dated, and Michael Jackson.

Examples of Male Douchebag names include, but are definitely not limited to: Tanner, Brody, Conner, Cody, Toby, Ethan, Tristan, Jackson, Gavin, John Mayer, Brayden, Carter, Dane Cook, Blake, the name of anyone in Cirque du Soleil, etc.

Examples of Female Douchebag names include, but are definitely not limited to: Madison, Addison, Bertha, Diamond, Heaven, Misty, Jasmine, Joey, Apple, Madonna, Olivia, Destiny, Trinity, Jennifer Lopez, Mackenzie, Faith, etc.

Note that just because this might be your name, it doesn't necessarily make you a douchebag, it just means you have a douchebag name (John Mayer, Dane Cook, Madonna, Jennifer Lopez excepted).

Seriously, ask anyone who they've dated, everyone's got a douchebag name in their past. They might deny it, but then you just remind them about Todd and BOOM it's done.

*Theory may not actually be true about every guy dating a girl with a douchebag name due to lack of research, but I'm pretty sure it is. It's definitely true the other way though.