Havok's Magical Forest Hippie Journey of Fun Part 1

So as mentioned before, I visited the Portland, Oregon area this weekend, my first time in the state of Oregon. There was much anticipation about what the city of Portland would bring, what kind of people would be there. And it was just as I expected: a cross between the opening scene of Gummi Bears, the South Park homeless people episode, a grateful dead concert circa now and not the 60's, a hip hipster neighborhood, and a lumberjack haven.



Bouncing here AND there AND everywhere




Spare some change?



The following is a 100% true and in no way fabricated story from my trip in Oregon. Seriously, I couldn't make this up. It's true.

I stepped off of the plane into a place I had never been before: Portland, Oregon. It was an overcast, slightly rainy day, like every day that has ever existed in Portland. The sun never shines in Portland, but not because there is no happiness, it's from all the pot smoke that has clouded the atmosphere. My friends, Flava Dave and Idaho met me at the airport. I was surprised that Portland even had an airport, and did not instead have only bicycles, rickshaws, and people-kites for transportation.

Immediately, my friends knew where to take me: a bar. We had a great night of drinking microbrews and watching some guy in a brown sweater with horn rimmed glasses dance to hip music, but it was time to go eventually. As we exited a man approached me. He was in his mid-twenties and wearing a blue t-shirt. He had a scruffy haircut and I could immediately tell that he listened to artsy bands that no one gives a shit about. I tried side stepping him, but he was obviously trying to agitate me, obviously trying to talk to me. No matter where I went he followed, until finally, I made eye contact with him, and then it happened…

"Hi, can I talk to you about joining Greenpeace for a moment?"

Fuck my Douglas Fir! A damned Greenpeace hippie! I knew it! "No I don't want to join Greenpeace."


They are everywhere in Portland

"Don't you care about our Earth, and your children's Earth?"

"Dude…I'm DRUNK, leave me alone."

"You damn republican! The curse of the Sasquatch on you FOR ETERNITY!"

"OK dude I'm not even repub- AIGHHHHHHH WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT YOU'RE THROWING ON ME"

And with that he ran away. I was stunned. What did he throw on me? A local approached me and said: "Ohhhhhhh dude…that's like….uncool…dude…you know….oh uncool…lame…ohhhhhhhh…hey man he just cursed you, if you don't get a lock of bigfoot's hair before you leave, you'll totally turn into Bigfoot…hey can you spare some change man I'm trying to get some money to stay in a hostel…"

But before I could answer him, a local crack addict beat him up and stole his shoes.


Approximation of the Crackhead

The next morning I was a little shaken up but knew that I had to figure out what was going on. Flava Dave, Idaho and myself pondered. Who would know what to do in this situation? I mean, we don't even know what's going to happen to me. We have no sources to figure out what's gonna happen in the future. Now who knows a lot about Bigfoot? Who knows about the wilderness? Lumberjacks!


You knew where this was going

But Lumberjacks are tough and don't know anything about Greenpeace hippies, they mostly just stomp on Greenpeace hippies. Who in Portland has insider knowledge of hippies because they have been forced to assimilate with them? Hipsters!


Hipsters totally got weird shit sprayed on them by Hippies way before anyone else knew about it

Time was of the essence though. Where would we possibly find Lumberjacks anywhere near hipsters? Idaho and Flava had just the place.

Doug Fir's



Yes, there is a place in Portland that is a hipster log cabin. Sweet Nikki Sixx. We got into Flava's car to get there and AC/DC started blaring. At first I was thinking, BAD ASS, but then I got nautious and vomited...But wait...I love AC/DC...and then I knew what those hippie bastards had done to me...

TO BE CONTINUED...