Musings on Macho Man, Wolf Shirts, Amazon and the Internet

Recently I've been seeing advertisements on the bus for a book called "God is a Woman" by "Comedian Ian Coburn". Now I have no idea if this book is good or not, it's probably really funny and I might enjoy it if I read it, but one thing really struck me funny about the ad that you can also see on the books website http://www.godisawoman.net/

Note the reviews quoted:

"Best book I've read" - Amazon review

"Hilarious!" - Amazon review

"Funniest book I've read" - Amazon review

"Best book to meet women" - Amazon review

"Best advice for women" - Amazon review

Etc etc etc



I understand this is a small time guy with a small time publisher that miraculously went #1 on Amazon in Canada, but using AMAZON REVIEWS???? Seriously?? Is that really where we are in society that we can start quoting internet reviews? Because to me, the internet is both the greatest and worst thing the world has going for it right now. The internet allows you to acquire any good, service, or slice of knowledge and allows absolutely everyone to have a voice. However, with this comes the downside that the internet allows you to acquire any good, service, or slice of knowledge and allows absolutely everyone to have a voice. Have you ever read a comment on youtube? It's the equivalent of punching your uterus repeatedly while pregnant. Let's look at the first video featured on you tube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7DW1J5rmSIY&feature=dir



"i like both teams i didnt mind the wings win i wanted the pens tho but pens are a Young team there gonna be around next year like the wings and the Sabres!!1 top 3 teams right there wings,pens,sabres woot woot"



Fucking great. Thanks for the comment kevster422. You have truly enriched my life.



My point is, you have to be able to filter out the bullshit on the internet, and a serious fucking number of people can't do that yet. Based on Mr. Coburn's advertisement for his book I will now create advertisement for several items that I enjoy.



Buy the "new" rap album from wrestling superstar "Macho Man" Randy Savage called "Be a Man"! This album was declared the greatest album of all time by noted critic Kenny Havok. It was ranked #1 on amazon (for albums purchased for a penny on amazon by Kenny Havok). Just listen to the reviews:

"The album's dope content made me saturate my pants almost as much as the VHS of Randy Savage's bulging muscular guns glistening in sweat under the lights of the ring. Oh Yeah! Not since The Beatles has an album taking the music industry by storm." – Amazon Review



"This album was not created by a mere mortal. This album was made by God himself, and handed down to the greatest rapper of our time, Randy Savage." – Amazon Review

"From snapping slim jims, to dropping an atomic elbow drop to tanning his body to making Hogan cry to outselling rap legends Tupac Shaker and E-Minem. Macho Man, truly does it all and shows why he is... THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME!" – Amazon Review

"I was an overweight idiot who locked myself in the bathroom for hours snacking on munchos until I heard 'Be a Man' by Macho Man himself. Ive now lost all my baby fat and am eligible for the hit TV show The Swan. This hot fire scores me the hottest babes when Im blasted it in the Coupe De Ville on spinners and when Im in the ring working on th dragon sleeper. I can now bench press 500 pounds and eat a steak sandwich at the same time." – Amazon Review

"Every track is a work of poetry on the Shakespearean level." – Amazon Review



"There is no way you will ever get closer to the utopia you experience when you listen to this outstanding album. I hope for the sake of every being in the universe that we will see many, many more Macho Man albums in the future. When I first caught a glance of this CD at Walmart, I turned and fell to my knees while time literally stopped. Once I regained consciousness I quickly filled a crate with the album and handed the cashier a flying elbow drop! When I placed the CD onto the tray of my stereo system, I knew at once that my life had culminated to that point, my purpose was to witness the sick, wicked, and nasty beats that were about to pulsate through the earth itself and energize my very life force. When the tray recalled itself back into the stereo console, it was as though the final puzzle piece of human existence had been put into place. Rainbows began to pour inexplicably out of the speakers and onto my terrace. The windows flew open and The Macho Man himself floated in on a winged platinum unicorn. He gave me a $5 gift certificate at Radio Shack and told me that I was the chosen one. He said that He and I would lead mankind out of poverty and strife forever. He said we must hurry, unimaginable evils were gathering and following him and there was not much time before he would have to face them. As we prepared to embark a low rumble could be heard in the distance. Hardly decipherable at first, but it began to grow louder, and apparently closer. The sky darkened rapidly and took on a red-orange tint. The rumble grew exponentially louder and more fierce, and the ground began to shake. Without warning an enormous crack in the planet's surface appeared and a great mountain of rock and molten lava shot up from the center of the earth with the force of ten trillion mighty buffalo. Satan himself stood before us, in all of his evil majesty. Despite this apocalyptic series of events, Randy was not at all intimidated. He stood fast, and with a mighty cry of 'OOOOOOHHH YEAHHHHHH!' he was suddenly 250 feet tall and was made entirely of gold. Satan lunged towards Savage with blinding speed, but The Macho Man was suddenly gone. Satan spun back around just in time for a vicious Macho Man drop kick to the throat. Again, Savage disappeared, leaving Satan dazed and confused. As Satan tried to recover Randy leapt at him from out of nowhere with a punishing sunset flip, sending The Dark Lord directly into a black hole on the other side of the universe. Savage explained to me how his musical talents inspired the Greek God Zeus, and so Zeus gave him super powers and ultrasonic vocal cords. I told him he's the illest, the true chief warrior. The bottom line is I used to steal cars and buses all the time, but ever since I heard this album I only smash fire hydrants. I no longer sleep or eat or talk, I just absorb the lyrical extremes that this album surpasses time and again and train to fight The Hulkster. Everything that you've ever done, are doing now, or will ever do is a complete waste of time unless it directly involves Randy 'Macho Man' Savage. If you don't own this album, I sincerely hope that this review has helped you realize what a clueless and wretched piece of waste you really are. And seriously Hogan, be a man for once in your life. If you just take the beating maybe Savage won't banish you from the universe....OOOOOOOHHH YEEEAAAHHHHH!!! I just crapped on myself." – Amazon Review





My birthday was a while ago, and a few of my friends pitched in and bought me a wolf shirt with an accompanying towel. The idea for purchasing the shirt was based on a few things. First, I own a lot of ridiculous clothing and find it hilarious to wear any of it out in public and a wolf shirt would be insanely hilarious. And second, read the comments about the wolf shirt on this website: http://www.birkoph.com/Wolf_tshirt.htm

If Mr. Coburn can use amazon reviews for his book, why can't we use these? Maybe they are serious! IT'S POSSIBLE!

"if god wore a shirt, this would be the one" – Site Review

"Excellent roaming shirt out in the dessert. Gets you great reception for your cell phone as well." – Site Review

"Some people say that my father created Earth in 7 days.. he created the wolf shirt before he even began to think about making the world." – Site Review

"This shirt cured my Aids!" – Site Review



A smarter blogger, with better writing skills would now wrap up this post with intelligent insight into the world of the internet and internet commenting. I am not a smart blogger with talent at writing. I would just sit here and tell you how I think internet commenting is awesome but is a Catch 22 because 99.999999% of internet comments are soul rapingly stupid and terrible, but I don't wanna sound like a hypocrite. After all, I did find God and Jesus on my own blogs message board.

Cubs vs Astros April 5, 2008

Ahhhhhhhh yes kids, baseball has started up again and we have tickets to a billion games this year and already I have visited the friendly confines. This means it's time for the first Cubbies update of the year! We decided to mix things up a bit this year. Instead of just having bleacher seats we're gonna mix it up and have half the games in the stands. There are a couple reasons for this mostly, that on weeknights, it's hard to get from my work at TACO BELL to the bleachers in time to get seats and it would just be nice to get beer service at the seat for once.

So today we had Roy Oswalt vs Jason Marquis on an absolutely gorgeous spring day, the first nice day I can remember since september. The Cubs got off to a bit of a rough start and were losing 5-3 going into the 7th until the Cubs went on a rampage scoring 5 runs in the bottom of the 7th. Fukudome continues to be amazing as he hit the go ahead double. He has already become a hero in the city and deservedly so, the guy is hitting .500!! He hears chants of Fu-ku-do-me at every game now and Cubs fans are even saying it correctly. This is of course tragically different from when they had the Japanese "It's Gonna Happen" signs that translated to "It's an accident" causing him to probably think we hated him.

One topic of conversation during the game was, if any of us were entered into the Cubs lineup for a full year, what would are batting average be, inspired by Soriano's bad average so far. I maintain that I would have a .000 average. I wouldn't get one hit. I honestly don't see any scenario where I could get a hit even with a full year of coaching. This is why I play golf, the ball doesn't move. My friends seem to think they could bat like .002 or something. I completely disagree, these guys are just way too good. I bet I could only make contact like 1 out of every 15 games. The only scenario I can envision getting a hit is if LaTroy Hawkins is pitching.



Final Score: Cubs 9 - Astros 7

Cubs record in 2008 when I am in attendance: 1-0

Starting Pitchers:
Cubs - Jason Marquis
Astros - Roy Oswalt

Singer of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame": Ron Santo (also, I was on TV during the singing!!)

Cock Rock Restaurant Review: Kuma's Corner

Today's post brings you a plethora of new features and exciting new elements to your Zubaz and Cock Rock experience. This is the first ever Cock Rock Restaurant Review as well as a brand new concept to the blogging world known as tandem blogging that myself and fellow bloggers are inventing. Zubaz and Cock Rock: now in cutting edge form.

So first the review, before the mind blowing tandem concept. The restaurant visited is called Kuma's Corner. It's located at the corner of Belmont and Francisco in Chicago. Kuma's Corner is a Heavy Metal Burger Pub. The most righteous riffing of the heaviest of heavies has finally been brought to the most deliciously evil food on the planet at Kuma burger, and hot damn it was a bad ass combination worthy of devil horn popping insanity. Each burger is named after a particular Heavy Metal band, some known by everyone and some very obscure. Take a look at the delicious menu here: http://www.kumas-corner.com/food.html

Those of us that went enjoyed the YOB, the Led Zeppelin, and the Pantera. Each was met with a scream over a power chord and head banging glee.


For a much better review and where I stole this picture from, visit the amazingly cool Chicago Burger Project review here

In addition the beer list is amazingly loaded with fantastic Belgian and German beers as well as some amazing micro brews from America Fuck Yeah. The music blaring the entire time was nothing but the heaviest of heavies (ok and one or two still rock but not as heavy songs). I recognized Big Business, Queens of the Stone Age, and High on Fire as well as dozens of others.


I loves me some High On Fire

I had two criticisms of the place, one which was an egregious problem, and one that doesn't really matter. The egregious problem was the wait. There are barely any tables there and the wait ended up being 2 full hours long. In addition, a table of 5 got seated 20 minutes before us despite arriving after us. At first we didn't care, gave us some time to try some beer, but around the 90 minute mark my friend started dying of hunger and I was tired of waiting. This sucked. It's a good thing the food was so good.

The second criticism that didn't matter was that the majority of the burgers had nothing to do with the band, which really, who cares. Kuma's Corner was gnarly enough to score a 666 on my restaurant rating scale so do not miss it!

But this brings me to the brand new tandom blogging concept and the actual awesome part of this post. Now I will give my suggestions on how to make these burgers more like their respective band names and will give a few suggestions of my own. Soon, within the next week or so, the amazing and brilliantly talented bloggers Pete (also came to Kuma) at The Situation has Deteriorated and Cutley at Robot in Disguise will add their suggestions which are sure to be much better thought out and less obscure than the bands I choose. Tandem Blogging: welcome to the new concept.

The Metallica

The Metallica at Kuma had Buffalo Sauce, Bacon, and Bleu Cheese, delicious to be sure, but not even close to accurate. A more accurate Metallica burger would be something that is the most delicious and amazing thing you've ever tasted in your entire life for the first 4 bites. And you get so excited, you tell everyone else to get it. And then all of a sudden the rest of the burger severely changes its taste and tastes like douchey crap.

The YOB
The YOB at Kuma needs to take forever to eat and needs to be so boring while eating it that you fall asleep.

The Black Sabbath
Blackening the burger was an awesome idea but shouldn't it also have Bat-flavored tofu?

Havok Additions: Here are some additions to the menu, although not all are quite metal bands.

The Red Hot Chili Peppers
Would have actual Red Hot Chili Peppers on top and be one of the funkiest tastes ever until you run out of peppers and it becomes the blandest thing thing ever for the last few bites.

Boooooorrrrring

The Courtney Love
Smells like ass and looks like barf so much that it makes every other person hate their own burger as well.

The Nirvana
Comes with no top bun.

The Boris
Written in Japanese, you have no idea what you're getting, but it tastes very unique in a delicious but slightly concerning way.

The Sword
All the hipsters order The Sword, because hey! they like metal too!

The Tommy Lee
Gives you Hepatitis A

The Elvis Presley
Comes on a Krispy Kreme bun and contains bananas and peanut butter, then deep friend (Elvis last meal)

The Anal Cunt
OK... I'm actually not gonna touch this one... but yeah, that's a real band.

The Green Jelly
Comes with Green JELLO on top

The Megadeth
Whoever gets it will tell you it's better than the Metallica, but really, it's not and he's just angry inside

The Anthrax
Sponsored by Osama bin Laden

The House of Pain
Boiled Potato as a bun, corned beef burger with cabbage as a topping. Overall, way too bland, or "Just Right" if you're Irish, in case you didn't get the joke.

Still popular in Boston

The AC/DC
Only served when the restaurant does catering, and therefore only served at Big Balls.

The Rage Against the Machine
Made by the bloody hands of Zapata's children, Mumia go on be free! You want your burger medium rare? Fuck you I won't do what you tell me!

The Pearl Jam
Was actually more popular the the Nirvana burger, but once the Nirvana got taken off the menu everyone forgot that and declared the Nirvana the greatest burger of all time

The Queens of the Stone Age
Best consumed stoned

This picture was very easy to find

The Goblin Cock (Album Cover Image Not Safe For Work)
Bacon, Cheddar Cheese, ¼lb. Vienna Hot Dog, Tomatoes, Onion, Neon Green Relish, Sport Peppers, Pickles, Celery Salt Mustard
Wait...that's actually on the menu. Well, looks like Kuma does have a few right.

That's it for me, look for Pete's additions at The Situation has Deteriorated and Cutley's additions at Robot in Disguise soon!

Havok at the Oscars

The Oscars are this sunday and I'm sure everyone is wondering what's going to win this year. Luckily, Havok is here to tell you who is going to get the Golden Eunuchs this year.

Writing (Original Screenplay)
Winner: Superbad

Writing (Adapted Screenplay)
Winner: Shit, I don't know the difference between these two so I'm gonna say Superbad again

Visual Effects
Winner: Night of the Lepus
Cloverfield-- take a hint, THIS is how you make a MONSTER!


look how real this is

Sound Mixing
Winner: Paul's Boutique by the Beastie Boys. They used 105 samples in this album and are still getting sued for it to this day, how can this not win?

Sound Editing
Winner: Shoot 'Em Up (whenever I can't think of anything I'll probably just put this movie)

Short Film (Live Action)
Winner: I have no idea what this means either so I'm gonna pick the November Rain video by Guns n Roses

Short Film (Animated)
Winner: That Scooby Doo Episode where the Scottish guy uses bagpipes to control a submarine remotely so it can bring stolen watches across a lake which is obviously a more profitable venture than just going into times square and selling it.

Makeup
Winner: Rambo- how they made him look so old after the last movies is amazing


Couldn't find a picture of Rambo so I just put this self-portrait in

Foreign Language Film
Winner: Superbad. They probably released it in another country.

Music (Score)
Winner: There Will Be Blood. In a serious note, this got screwed over.

Music (Song)
Winner: Ace of Spades by Motorhead- from the movie Shoot 'Em Up

Film Editing
Winner: I honestly have no idea how you even judge this. Does this mean whoever had a crapload of stuff and edited it down to the necessary stuff? Because then it's Rambo again for editing out half the dialogue to have more silence and killing. THAT'S editing.

Costume Design
Winner: I was gonna say Spiderman because of the Green Goblin costume but it turns out that was just a Kirsten Dunst mask so I'll go with um Knocked Up or something.



Cinematography
Winner: There Will Be Blood

Art Direction
Winner: Shoot 'Em Up

Supporting Actress
Winner: Grace Jones in Conan the Destroyer. Such class in her career defining role.

Supporting Actor
Winner: Christopher McDonald as Mr. Stifler in American Pie: The Naked Mile. Yet another award for the Havok Hall of Fame inductee.

Lead Actress
Winner: Natalie Portman. Was she even in anything this year? Who cares, this is my list.

Lead Actor
Winner: Christopher Mintz-Plasse as McLovin in Superbad. To me this role was like combining Al Pacino in Godfather II with Orson Welles in Citizen Kane with Sylvester Stallone in First Blood with every Samuel L. Jackson role ever. Complete bad ass.

Best Picture
Winner: Happy Gilmore

SURPRISE WIN CAN YOU BELIEVE IT THIS IS THE YEAR OF UPSETS!!!!!!!!

Terrible Ideas for Rock Band and Guitar Hero

Guitar Hero has become an absolute phenomenon. Everyone has played it, everyone loves it, it's great for parties, and it's fun to watch. It may be running out of ideas and just chugging out songs with no new game play options, but who cares, it's a blast when you're drunk and Rock Band is even better (assuming you have friends). Last week they revealed that Guitar Hero: Aerosmith would be released in June. It's going to have 30 Aerosmith songs. While this will be awesome just to get Sweet Emotion, Back in the Saddle, and Dream On, I really can't think of more than 15 songs that would need to be on this. So while Led Zeppelin and AC/DC continue to be douchenozzles about releasing their songs so we can't get a totally kick ass version like 100 song Zep Guitar Hero, here's a list of Guitar Hero versions that did not get approved:

1. Guitar Hero: Limp Bizkit

This was considered in the brainstorming sessions for a few reasons. First of all, Limp Bizkit actually has sold more than 16 million albums in America. Yes, the time after grunge died has some really really embarrassing parts. Second, the FDFC considered putting it out because they could track who bought it and red flag them. The FDC being the Federal Douche Finding Committee. Hey Fred! Who's a douche?



2. Guitar Hero: Paul Oakenfold

Originally considered as a cross-over for the Dance Dance Revolution kids, it turns out there's no guitar part.

3. Guitar Hero: Peter, Paul, and Mary

Cripes, they just market everything to kids these days. This was considered to get the coveted kids market, because what kid doesn't love Puff the Magic Dragon and This Land is Your Land? Then Disney declared their monopoly on children's dreams and donkey punched Mary. The deal was called off.



4. Guitar Hero: Hannah Montana

After the Peter, Paul, and Mary debachle, the execs said, well what about the pre-teen market? So they set up a deal with Miley Cyrus as Hannah Montana. However, two roadblocks came about when Billy Ray Cyrus demanded that Achey Breaky Heart be added to Guitar Hero 4 and there were 572 reported cases of parental suicides after the idea was released to the public.


Hot? Um...no comment.

5. Guitar Hero: Dragonforce

Through the Fire and the Flames by Dragonforce is the end song that you are given if you beat Guitar Hero III. This song is completely righteous and totally bad ass and blatantly impossible.



Only the most insane and dedicated people can get this song and it's a widely talked and discussed song amongst players so why not make a version with every Dragonforce song right? Plus, every single Dragonforce song is equally as bad ass and insanely jawdroppingly fast as this song. Well they made this version. It actually got made. They then started testing it with people that love guitar speed prog, dungeons and dragons, and like to pretend they are zelda and this happened:


Dragonforce is a combination of nerdy and bad ass that I can't seem to wrap my mind around...

6. Guitar Hero: Andy Dick Version



Guhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

In Defense of Clowns

These days, the "cool" fear that all the fear hipsters have is Coulrophobia. Coulrophobia is of course an abnormal or exaggerated fear of clowns. Everytime you start talking about things people are afraid of it's all oh I don't mind spiders but MAN I HATE CLOWNS. Or I'm not scared of God or Satan or Nikki Sixx but HOLY SHIT IF A CLOWN CAME in this room I would totally shit my pants. Well, I'm calling you damn phobia hipsters out, you phobipsters. Clowns are not scary, get over it. They are comic performers, specifically there to make you laugh with their zany outfits, flowers that shoot water in your eye and big shoes.

Debunking the clown myth:

1. Myth - Clowns are scary because it is the fear of the mask, the fact that it doesn't change and is relentlessly comical.

Culprit:

R.I.P Heath Ledger

Truth: Fear has less to do with clowns per se and more to do with being unsettled by something as unusual-seeming as a clown. Prof Paul Salkovskis, clinical director of the Maudsley Hospital Centre for Anxiety Disorders and Trauma, says "People are typically frightened by things which are wrong in some way, wrong in a disturbingly unfamiliar way. It is almost certainly not a reaction to clowns, but we are sensitive to things which are extraordinary, particularly sensitive when we are young. My three-year-old was terrified by Peter Rabbit at a B&Q. Peter Rabbit is six inches high, not seven feet high." (Source) So there, it's not the clown, it's you hating things different from you. I can think of some people that might get pissed about this reaction.



2. Myth: Look at recent culture! Clowns are always killing people! Never are they happy and making children laugh!

Culprit:

Guhhhhhhh Stephen King

Truth: OK, this is like believing Terminator 2 happened and 5 billion people died on 1994. Do you believe every movie and TV show you see? And if you do, why don't you focus on the good ones like:


Or what about the WORLDS LARGEST CHAIN OF FAST FOOD RESTAURANTS using a clown as it's corporate mascot?


This guy has certainly sold a lot of hamburgers and kids don't find him all that scary. It has yet to be proven that fat kids have less fear than skinny and normal sized kids so don't even pull that crap counter argument either.

3. Myth: Clowns are solely here to hunt me down and chase me and kill me while laughing.

Culprit:


Truth: OK this is just getting ridiculous. No one should ever take Killer Klowns from Outer Space seriously. And come on!


Like anyone could catch you in these things. Let's face it, when it comes to clowns there's just nothing to be afraid of.

Bonus: Three more happy clowns to remind you that clowns aren't scary


Pa Havok's favorite clown


John Wayne as a clown


Vince Vaughn as a clown in Old School. There's NO WAY you found him scary, just NO WAY.

Supply and Demand: A detailed look at the Economic Workings and Business Model of the Jawa people.

Introduction and Background: The Jawas are a race of people that reside on the planet Tatooine. The Jawas mostly live together and work together with some exceptions of individuals that stray from their clan. For the purposes of this study, we will only be looking into the Jawas that live together as an extended community, in their large vehicles known as Sandcrawlers. It is necessary to look at the geography of Tatooine, as it uncovers the answers to many questions about Jawa culture, climate and business choices. Tatooine is a planet comprised solely of sweeping sand dunes and areas of rocky formations. There is no indication of any water sources or plant life. You could draw the conclusion from this, that Tatooine would be completely inhabitable due to lack of oxygen, since there are no plants, but you would be incorrect. The planet is, in fact, inhabited by many species, including the oxygen breathing human race. It is not known where the breathable oxygen comes from, but some theories suggest the whogivesashititsamovie molecule could be in the atmosphere.


This is seriously Tatooine. There is seriously no water. Gotta love nerds.

The Jawas primary mode of transportation is the Sandcrawler. It resembles a large brown turd tank and houses up to 300 Jawas and as many robots. It is possible that the Jawas live in this thing.



Business Model: The Jawa people have decided to enter the lucrative business field of vintage robot resale. Their business revolves around obtaining old robots at a very small cost, and then reselling these robots to local inhabitants of Tatooine. In the opinion of our experts, this plan seems a bit foolish. One can not imagine a large number of robots randomly wandering the desert landscape of a remote planet. In fact, you'd assume that the only robots that wander around are robots owned by locals that seem to have wandered off. This can only lead to conflict when selling the robots back. One would imagine the typical dinner time conversation between Jawa mates as such:



Jawa 1; Jawa that stayed at home and cooked dinner: "Hi honey, how was work today?"

Jawa 2; Jawa that surveyed the canyons looking for stray robots: "Oh not so good, we sat there in a crevice whispering to each other, waiting for a stray robot to pass by, but there was no luck. Ootini."

Jawa 1: "Oh that's terrible! What is this, the 10,257th straight day that a random robot hasn't been wandering through a canyon on a remote planet that's comprised entirely of desert yet still has oxygen and life forms?"

Jawa 2: "Yeah, something like that. I'm beginning to think that the Jawa's should go into a different field."

Jawa 1: "Well to cheer you up I knitted you a new brown cloak that looks exactly like the clothing every single other being in our species wear because it would be ridiculous for a science-fiction movie to have unique non-human characters."

Jawa 2: "Do you ever wonder why you can't see Chewbacca's penis? I mean he is 7 feet tall, that thing's gotta be huge."

Chewbacca: "HRRRUHHHGGGGHHHHHUUUUNNNGGGNNGG!"


Will fuck your Jawa shit up.