Havok at the Oscars

The Oscars are this sunday and I'm sure everyone is wondering what's going to win this year. Luckily, Havok is here to tell you who is going to get the Golden Eunuchs this year.

Writing (Original Screenplay)
Winner: Superbad

Writing (Adapted Screenplay)
Winner: Shit, I don't know the difference between these two so I'm gonna say Superbad again

Visual Effects
Winner: Night of the Lepus
Cloverfield-- take a hint, THIS is how you make a MONSTER!


look how real this is

Sound Mixing
Winner: Paul's Boutique by the Beastie Boys. They used 105 samples in this album and are still getting sued for it to this day, how can this not win?

Sound Editing
Winner: Shoot 'Em Up (whenever I can't think of anything I'll probably just put this movie)

Short Film (Live Action)
Winner: I have no idea what this means either so I'm gonna pick the November Rain video by Guns n Roses

Short Film (Animated)
Winner: That Scooby Doo Episode where the Scottish guy uses bagpipes to control a submarine remotely so it can bring stolen watches across a lake which is obviously a more profitable venture than just going into times square and selling it.

Makeup
Winner: Rambo- how they made him look so old after the last movies is amazing


Couldn't find a picture of Rambo so I just put this self-portrait in

Foreign Language Film
Winner: Superbad. They probably released it in another country.

Music (Score)
Winner: There Will Be Blood. In a serious note, this got screwed over.

Music (Song)
Winner: Ace of Spades by Motorhead- from the movie Shoot 'Em Up

Film Editing
Winner: I honestly have no idea how you even judge this. Does this mean whoever had a crapload of stuff and edited it down to the necessary stuff? Because then it's Rambo again for editing out half the dialogue to have more silence and killing. THAT'S editing.

Costume Design
Winner: I was gonna say Spiderman because of the Green Goblin costume but it turns out that was just a Kirsten Dunst mask so I'll go with um Knocked Up or something.



Cinematography
Winner: There Will Be Blood

Art Direction
Winner: Shoot 'Em Up

Supporting Actress
Winner: Grace Jones in Conan the Destroyer. Such class in her career defining role.

Supporting Actor
Winner: Christopher McDonald as Mr. Stifler in American Pie: The Naked Mile. Yet another award for the Havok Hall of Fame inductee.

Lead Actress
Winner: Natalie Portman. Was she even in anything this year? Who cares, this is my list.

Lead Actor
Winner: Christopher Mintz-Plasse as McLovin in Superbad. To me this role was like combining Al Pacino in Godfather II with Orson Welles in Citizen Kane with Sylvester Stallone in First Blood with every Samuel L. Jackson role ever. Complete bad ass.

Best Picture
Winner: Happy Gilmore

SURPRISE WIN CAN YOU BELIEVE IT THIS IS THE YEAR OF UPSETS!!!!!!!!

Terrible Ideas for Rock Band and Guitar Hero

Guitar Hero has become an absolute phenomenon. Everyone has played it, everyone loves it, it's great for parties, and it's fun to watch. It may be running out of ideas and just chugging out songs with no new game play options, but who cares, it's a blast when you're drunk and Rock Band is even better (assuming you have friends). Last week they revealed that Guitar Hero: Aerosmith would be released in June. It's going to have 30 Aerosmith songs. While this will be awesome just to get Sweet Emotion, Back in the Saddle, and Dream On, I really can't think of more than 15 songs that would need to be on this. So while Led Zeppelin and AC/DC continue to be douchenozzles about releasing their songs so we can't get a totally kick ass version like 100 song Zep Guitar Hero, here's a list of Guitar Hero versions that did not get approved:

1. Guitar Hero: Limp Bizkit

This was considered in the brainstorming sessions for a few reasons. First of all, Limp Bizkit actually has sold more than 16 million albums in America. Yes, the time after grunge died has some really really embarrassing parts. Second, the FDFC considered putting it out because they could track who bought it and red flag them. The FDC being the Federal Douche Finding Committee. Hey Fred! Who's a douche?



2. Guitar Hero: Paul Oakenfold

Originally considered as a cross-over for the Dance Dance Revolution kids, it turns out there's no guitar part.

3. Guitar Hero: Peter, Paul, and Mary

Cripes, they just market everything to kids these days. This was considered to get the coveted kids market, because what kid doesn't love Puff the Magic Dragon and This Land is Your Land? Then Disney declared their monopoly on children's dreams and donkey punched Mary. The deal was called off.



4. Guitar Hero: Hannah Montana

After the Peter, Paul, and Mary debachle, the execs said, well what about the pre-teen market? So they set up a deal with Miley Cyrus as Hannah Montana. However, two roadblocks came about when Billy Ray Cyrus demanded that Achey Breaky Heart be added to Guitar Hero 4 and there were 572 reported cases of parental suicides after the idea was released to the public.


Hot? Um...no comment.

5. Guitar Hero: Dragonforce

Through the Fire and the Flames by Dragonforce is the end song that you are given if you beat Guitar Hero III. This song is completely righteous and totally bad ass and blatantly impossible.



Only the most insane and dedicated people can get this song and it's a widely talked and discussed song amongst players so why not make a version with every Dragonforce song right? Plus, every single Dragonforce song is equally as bad ass and insanely jawdroppingly fast as this song. Well they made this version. It actually got made. They then started testing it with people that love guitar speed prog, dungeons and dragons, and like to pretend they are zelda and this happened:


Dragonforce is a combination of nerdy and bad ass that I can't seem to wrap my mind around...

6. Guitar Hero: Andy Dick Version



Guhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

In Defense of Clowns

These days, the "cool" fear that all the fear hipsters have is Coulrophobia. Coulrophobia is of course an abnormal or exaggerated fear of clowns. Everytime you start talking about things people are afraid of it's all oh I don't mind spiders but MAN I HATE CLOWNS. Or I'm not scared of God or Satan or Nikki Sixx but HOLY SHIT IF A CLOWN CAME in this room I would totally shit my pants. Well, I'm calling you damn phobia hipsters out, you phobipsters. Clowns are not scary, get over it. They are comic performers, specifically there to make you laugh with their zany outfits, flowers that shoot water in your eye and big shoes.

Debunking the clown myth:

1. Myth - Clowns are scary because it is the fear of the mask, the fact that it doesn't change and is relentlessly comical.

Culprit:

R.I.P Heath Ledger

Truth: Fear has less to do with clowns per se and more to do with being unsettled by something as unusual-seeming as a clown. Prof Paul Salkovskis, clinical director of the Maudsley Hospital Centre for Anxiety Disorders and Trauma, says "People are typically frightened by things which are wrong in some way, wrong in a disturbingly unfamiliar way. It is almost certainly not a reaction to clowns, but we are sensitive to things which are extraordinary, particularly sensitive when we are young. My three-year-old was terrified by Peter Rabbit at a B&Q. Peter Rabbit is six inches high, not seven feet high." (Source) So there, it's not the clown, it's you hating things different from you. I can think of some people that might get pissed about this reaction.



2. Myth: Look at recent culture! Clowns are always killing people! Never are they happy and making children laugh!

Culprit:

Guhhhhhhh Stephen King

Truth: OK, this is like believing Terminator 2 happened and 5 billion people died on 1994. Do you believe every movie and TV show you see? And if you do, why don't you focus on the good ones like:


Or what about the WORLDS LARGEST CHAIN OF FAST FOOD RESTAURANTS using a clown as it's corporate mascot?


This guy has certainly sold a lot of hamburgers and kids don't find him all that scary. It has yet to be proven that fat kids have less fear than skinny and normal sized kids so don't even pull that crap counter argument either.

3. Myth: Clowns are solely here to hunt me down and chase me and kill me while laughing.

Culprit:


Truth: OK this is just getting ridiculous. No one should ever take Killer Klowns from Outer Space seriously. And come on!


Like anyone could catch you in these things. Let's face it, when it comes to clowns there's just nothing to be afraid of.

Bonus: Three more happy clowns to remind you that clowns aren't scary


Pa Havok's favorite clown


John Wayne as a clown


Vince Vaughn as a clown in Old School. There's NO WAY you found him scary, just NO WAY.

Supply and Demand: A detailed look at the Economic Workings and Business Model of the Jawa people.

Introduction and Background: The Jawas are a race of people that reside on the planet Tatooine. The Jawas mostly live together and work together with some exceptions of individuals that stray from their clan. For the purposes of this study, we will only be looking into the Jawas that live together as an extended community, in their large vehicles known as Sandcrawlers. It is necessary to look at the geography of Tatooine, as it uncovers the answers to many questions about Jawa culture, climate and business choices. Tatooine is a planet comprised solely of sweeping sand dunes and areas of rocky formations. There is no indication of any water sources or plant life. You could draw the conclusion from this, that Tatooine would be completely inhabitable due to lack of oxygen, since there are no plants, but you would be incorrect. The planet is, in fact, inhabited by many species, including the oxygen breathing human race. It is not known where the breathable oxygen comes from, but some theories suggest the whogivesashititsamovie molecule could be in the atmosphere.


This is seriously Tatooine. There is seriously no water. Gotta love nerds.

The Jawas primary mode of transportation is the Sandcrawler. It resembles a large brown turd tank and houses up to 300 Jawas and as many robots. It is possible that the Jawas live in this thing.



Business Model: The Jawa people have decided to enter the lucrative business field of vintage robot resale. Their business revolves around obtaining old robots at a very small cost, and then reselling these robots to local inhabitants of Tatooine. In the opinion of our experts, this plan seems a bit foolish. One can not imagine a large number of robots randomly wandering the desert landscape of a remote planet. In fact, you'd assume that the only robots that wander around are robots owned by locals that seem to have wandered off. This can only lead to conflict when selling the robots back. One would imagine the typical dinner time conversation between Jawa mates as such:



Jawa 1; Jawa that stayed at home and cooked dinner: "Hi honey, how was work today?"

Jawa 2; Jawa that surveyed the canyons looking for stray robots: "Oh not so good, we sat there in a crevice whispering to each other, waiting for a stray robot to pass by, but there was no luck. Ootini."

Jawa 1: "Oh that's terrible! What is this, the 10,257th straight day that a random robot hasn't been wandering through a canyon on a remote planet that's comprised entirely of desert yet still has oxygen and life forms?"

Jawa 2: "Yeah, something like that. I'm beginning to think that the Jawa's should go into a different field."

Jawa 1: "Well to cheer you up I knitted you a new brown cloak that looks exactly like the clothing every single other being in our species wear because it would be ridiculous for a science-fiction movie to have unique non-human characters."

Jawa 2: "Do you ever wonder why you can't see Chewbacca's penis? I mean he is 7 feet tall, that thing's gotta be huge."

Chewbacca: "HRRRUHHHGGGGHHHHHUUUUNNNGGGNNGG!"


Will fuck your Jawa shit up.

Havok's Magical Forest Hippie Journey of Fun Part 1

So as mentioned before, I visited the Portland, Oregon area this weekend, my first time in the state of Oregon. There was much anticipation about what the city of Portland would bring, what kind of people would be there. And it was just as I expected: a cross between the opening scene of Gummi Bears, the South Park homeless people episode, a grateful dead concert circa now and not the 60's, a hip hipster neighborhood, and a lumberjack haven.



Bouncing here AND there AND everywhere




Spare some change?



The following is a 100% true and in no way fabricated story from my trip in Oregon. Seriously, I couldn't make this up. It's true.

I stepped off of the plane into a place I had never been before: Portland, Oregon. It was an overcast, slightly rainy day, like every day that has ever existed in Portland. The sun never shines in Portland, but not because there is no happiness, it's from all the pot smoke that has clouded the atmosphere. My friends, Flava Dave and Idaho met me at the airport. I was surprised that Portland even had an airport, and did not instead have only bicycles, rickshaws, and people-kites for transportation.

Immediately, my friends knew where to take me: a bar. We had a great night of drinking microbrews and watching some guy in a brown sweater with horn rimmed glasses dance to hip music, but it was time to go eventually. As we exited a man approached me. He was in his mid-twenties and wearing a blue t-shirt. He had a scruffy haircut and I could immediately tell that he listened to artsy bands that no one gives a shit about. I tried side stepping him, but he was obviously trying to agitate me, obviously trying to talk to me. No matter where I went he followed, until finally, I made eye contact with him, and then it happened…

"Hi, can I talk to you about joining Greenpeace for a moment?"

Fuck my Douglas Fir! A damned Greenpeace hippie! I knew it! "No I don't want to join Greenpeace."


They are everywhere in Portland

"Don't you care about our Earth, and your children's Earth?"

"Dude…I'm DRUNK, leave me alone."

"You damn republican! The curse of the Sasquatch on you FOR ETERNITY!"

"OK dude I'm not even repub- AIGHHHHHHH WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT YOU'RE THROWING ON ME"

And with that he ran away. I was stunned. What did he throw on me? A local approached me and said: "Ohhhhhhh dude…that's like….uncool…dude…you know….oh uncool…lame…ohhhhhhhh…hey man he just cursed you, if you don't get a lock of bigfoot's hair before you leave, you'll totally turn into Bigfoot…hey can you spare some change man I'm trying to get some money to stay in a hostel…"

But before I could answer him, a local crack addict beat him up and stole his shoes.


Approximation of the Crackhead

The next morning I was a little shaken up but knew that I had to figure out what was going on. Flava Dave, Idaho and myself pondered. Who would know what to do in this situation? I mean, we don't even know what's going to happen to me. We have no sources to figure out what's gonna happen in the future. Now who knows a lot about Bigfoot? Who knows about the wilderness? Lumberjacks!


You knew where this was going

But Lumberjacks are tough and don't know anything about Greenpeace hippies, they mostly just stomp on Greenpeace hippies. Who in Portland has insider knowledge of hippies because they have been forced to assimilate with them? Hipsters!


Hipsters totally got weird shit sprayed on them by Hippies way before anyone else knew about it

Time was of the essence though. Where would we possibly find Lumberjacks anywhere near hipsters? Idaho and Flava had just the place.

Doug Fir's



Yes, there is a place in Portland that is a hipster log cabin. Sweet Nikki Sixx. We got into Flava's car to get there and AC/DC started blaring. At first I was thinking, BAD ASS, but then I got nautious and vomited...But wait...I love AC/DC...and then I knew what those hippie bastards had done to me...

TO BE CONTINUED...

Where's Waldo?

And now I present to you - the viewer - photographic evidence that Sasquatch, Bigfoot, Yeti, Sasquatch, whatever you refer to the beast as, does in fact exist. Here I have captured the Leviathan in three pictures and present them in Where's Waldo format. Of course you know Where's Waldo?.














Where is Waldo the Sasquatch?





Where is Waldo the Sasquatch?







Where is Waldo the Sasquatch?

Havok lands in the land of logging and lumberjacks

Tomorrow I am going on vacation. I will have to miss a few classes of my finishing school but I feel like it will be a worthwhile investment to clear the stress out of my head. And where am I going? The worlds #1 vacation destination of PORTLAND, OREGON! Now your reaction may be something like this:

Hmmmm now what's in Portland that Havok would want to see/do?

Well there's
1. More Brewpubs than any other city in America and more than in Cologne, Germany
2. Wonderful Pinot Noir Wine vineyards
3. The beautiful and scenic Hook River
4. The worlds largest Rose festival
5. The lovely Pacific Coast
6. Nextdoor Eugene, which is home to the Oregon Ducks, who are playing the California Golden Bears this weekend.

And you'd be right I am doing many of those things, but mostly I'm going to visit some friends from college, we'll call them Flava and Idaho to protect their innocence. Portland is an absolute Mecca for the following things: beer, indie rock, roses, lumber, and hippies. Many of you know I have very strong opinions about these things, whether positive or negative (hippies are the ones I have negative feelings for, and yes I have VERY strong positive feelings for trees) so hopefully I'll have some tall tales when I get back.


Ohhhhh yeah baby so hot yeah oooooohhh yeah