This BLOGGGG is meant to ENTERTAIN YOU! while you are AT WORK! It probably will NEVER! get more than 10 viewers, but that's ok. I write from the perspective of a young male a few years removed from college who actually enjoys the music of Poison and sees nothing wrong with this.
The hot topic in the sports world right now is without a shadow of a doubt the Michael Vick dog fighting fiasco. Coming with this are about a million terrible jokes involving some crap about him and how his nickname listed in the indictment is Ookie. OK so fine the Ookie stuff is pretty funny but so many Vick jokes are just flat out not funny. For example, people naming their fantasy football team Vick's Dog Pound. Please, put a little more effort into it. So without further ado I give you guest blogger Avery, who does not know that his words are about to be blatantly plagiarised into a "guest blog" post. I promise to give him 100% of the revenue that comes from this post. Avery is weighing in on fantasy football team names related to Vick, and these are all absolutely genius:
"...are a registered trademark of Falcons fans. Noah's team name is clearly violating all kinds of copyright laws. I demand 50% of Noah's winnings or an immediate name change.
Not to mention, Vicks Dog Show? thats not even creative - whatever you think about my name, atleast it took some effort. My sweat, blood, and tears went into my crappy team name.
For proof / your enjoyment, here are my failed team names in no particular order.
Kibbles&Vicks Lassie’sLastStand ScoobySmacks 7 Dalmations BloodhoundGang PutUpYourMarmadukes PoundedPuppies My Dog Vick AirBudBitesBack Going Toto Prison RonTinTinMexico OldYellers'Revenge Herpes&Hooch ClifordTheBigDeadDog
I welcome suggestions if you like any of these better / have new ones. I do reret that I couldnt do anything good with 'All Dogs Go To Heaven'
"
For the record, his team name is Cruella DeVick. Awesome.
My favorites are Scooby Smacks and RonTinTinMexico.
Ladies and Gentlemen, today I bring you the first ever inductee into the Havok Hall of Fame. This man is a legend in the acting world, he has starred in 85 feature films, is originally from upstate New York just like me, and has brought me nothing but mass entertainment everytime I've ever seen him on screen. The first ever inductee into the Havok Hall of Fame is:
You may remember him from such films as Happy Gilmore where he played Shooter McGavin and... well I don't give a shit, he has made the hall of fame based solely on his performance as Shooter McGavin. No one remembers him for playing anything other than a douche and that's a difficult price to pay. Well here is your recognition Shooter, I mean Chris, no fuck it I mean Shooter. I have absolutely enjoyed you each of the 4,236 times I've seen Happy Gilmore. You are the best fucking actor ever to walk planet earth. You are more attractive than Brad Pitt, more sane than Tom Cruise, and can pull more ass than Colin Farrell. You rock, and I salute you.
Oh yeah, you were the douche in Dirty Work starring Norm MacDonald too. That movie was awesome too. I wonder if people got your names mixed up. Probably not, because you are so awesome. Let's look at some of your acting:
First let's take a look at the scene involving the picture above. Look at the way you pop that collar 8 full years before it was cool. You were ahead of the times.
Now let's look at how nuanced and talented his acting is when threatened by the dude that played Jaws in the James Bond movies. This clip also features a famous quote used in the legendary drinking game, "Meat":
Finally, let's take a look at the most famous interaction in cinematic history:
Don't worry Shooter, as a member of the Havok Hall of Fame, you can eat whatever you want for breakfast.
KISS is a band that absolutely everyone knows, they're impossible to miss. What most people don't know is if they're actually good or not. I'm here to tell you: sort of. No matter what anyone tells you, absolutely everything they've done since taking their make-up off has sucked AND Peter Criss is probably one of the worst drummers of all time AND Gene Simmons is probably one of the biggest assholes of all time AND Kiss hates the Alcohol and drugs part of Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll.
Awesome
Sucks
But their early stuff is absolutely kick ass. Here's the thing, their best album is Destroyer. It's not Alive I, the one that made them famous. I'm sorry, but 12 minute songs with 6 minute drum solos from shitty drummers are not exactly awesome. Also, their best album cover is easily Love Gun.
I'd love to see the brain storming session before deciding on that title: "What should we name this one?" "Well what's something that really defines where we are artistically, spiritually, and mentally?" "Um, a Love Gun?" "Ship that fucker out"
The other kick ass thing about Kiss is the sheer number of products they have that you can buy. Currently you can buy Kiss lava lamps, Kiss incense holders, Kiss Aprons, Kiss Cocktail Tables, Kiss frisbees, and my absolute favorite, Kiss CYCLING SHORTS. Who the hell would want to cycle around with the Kiss logo on their ass? The bicycle enthusiast Kiss fan seems like a ridiculously esoteric market. But this is why I love them.
Lance Armstrong approves
Kiss is one of the few bands I have left that I need to see live before I die. Oh, and I'd probably gladly take any one of those Kiss items that I just made fun of.
Well Barry freaking Bonds didn't start again, but he FINALLY got into the game to pinch hit in the 8th inning. And Wrigley Field ERUPTED. The fans went absolutely insane. Security lined up in the the stairways and one security guy said to me "we've been training for this moment for 2 months now". Aaaaaand he lined out to Soriano to MUCH applause. Said Barry after the game: "Everyone in that field was bored until I came in". Partially true Barry, partially true. You forget that we were also drunk (or so says the stereotype of bleacher bums).
The most interesting part of post game is how much it centers around the fans. Rarely do you see that about other teams, but if you check out the write-up of this game on espn.com, you'll notice how the fans chanting, cheering, or booing is mentioned no less than 8 times. That's a lot of writing centered around fan reaction and participation during a sporting event and that is the reason that I love going to Cubs games. White Sox fans can sit there and say Cubs fans are drunks that don't care about the game all they want but they would never get an article about them written like that.
Final Score: Cubs 2 - Giants 4
Cubs Record in 2007 when I am in attendance: 4-4
Starting Pitchers Cubs - Sean Marshall (again!) Giants - Barry Zito
Singer of Take Me Out to the Ballgame: I can't remember. Some soul band from chicago.
Go Cubs gooooo! Go Cubs goooooo! Hey Chicago whaddya say Cubs are gonna win today!
OK so the reason we got the tickets for this date was because of the slim possibility that Barry Bonds would break the home run record while at Wrigley. Unfortunately he's only at 751 which is still 4 short of 755 and it looks like the Giants are going to rig it so he breaks the record in San Francisco which makes sense because it's literally the only stadium on earth he won't get booed in when he breaks it. But that doesn't mean we can't boo the shit out of him when he's in Chicago right?
Still, this was a ridiculously fun game. It was a huge pitchers duel for sure with barely any scoring, only home runs from Felipe Lopez of the Giants and backup catcher Koyie Hill of the Cubs until the Giants went ahead 2-1 after a Soriano error. But the Cubs fought back hard and in the 8th inning Aramis Ramirez hit a thrilling 2 run double right by us to put the Cubs ahead 3-2 for good. After this happened the Cubs fans in the bleachers started throwing cups on to the field for no apparent reason. We'll let ESPN, who televised the game, give their account of the cup throwing:
So after getting rocked our last softball game against the team that didn't technically have enough girls to have a real win but didn't have enough testicles either (slam!), I mentioned that I had the secret to turning our season around and winning some games. What is it that we did that last year but haven't done yet this year? What is it that we did that we were undefeated when we done did this donedone thing?
At-Bat Music, that's what. We were 1-0 with the at bat CD from last year. Last year my song was "Whorehoppin'" by the Eagles of Death Metal. It was perfect, they were my favorite current band at the time, had a new CD out, and the song had the approriate amount of hilarity and bad assery for me.
Jesse "the Devil" Hughes: Hall of Fame Bad Ass
So an at-bat song can be one of many things. It can strike fear into the opposing team, saying "holy shit this dude is fucked up". It can make the opposing team burst out laughing because it's such a ridiculous choice. It can be topical to the persons name or interests, for example Vince choosing "doctor doctor gimme the news I got a bad case of loving you" last year, or it can be the song that just plain fires YOU up to hit a ball as far as possible. One thing an at-bat song should not be is unoriginal. Choosing "This is Why I'm Hot" is about the most predictable choice on planet earth. It's so lame it's something ARod might do. Update: This is, in fact, ARod's entry music. You gotta hate the Yankees.
So I need the Havok Crue to help me in choosing an at-bat song. Here are some ideas in no particular order: 1. Celestial Crown by The Sword
Pros: While the video doesn't really do it justice, this song DEFINITELY fits the bad ass category. Everyone is gonna be like god damn the SOB means business. Also, they've been one of my absolute favorite current bands of the last 6 months so it's topical. Cons: Shit is scary. It's dead serious, there's absolutely no humor in this song, and that might not totally be me.
2. I Wupped Batman's Ass by Wesley Willis
Pros: Not only does it talk about about kicking ass and beating up a super hero, it's also completely hilarious. Cons: It kind of implies that I'm retarded or homeless or both.
3. No More I Love You's by Annie Lennox
Pros: Absolutely hilarious, especially given what I wear to softball games. You gotta laugh if I roll up to a song going "doobee doobee doop doop doop AHHAHH" Cons: I might not be able to concentrate its so hilarious. Also, it's not even remotely bad ass at all.
4. Me So Horny by 2 Live Crew
Pros: Crass, inappropriate, incomprehensibly stupid, and original. Cons: Crass, inappropriate, incomprehensibly stupid, and completely has nothing to do with softball
5. The Stroke by Billy Squier
Pros: Bad Ass oldie with the Billy Madison style to it. Also, you Stroke a baseball bat don't you? So it's kind of relevant. Cons: Probably the least original choice so far. Also could be something AJ Pierzynski might choose and that's not a good thing.
So there you have it. Havok Crue, please provide suggestions, comments, feedback, anything!
SOOOOOOOOOOOOO it was hot as satan's danglin' meatballs on the field today, with the temp almost getting up to 100 degrees. As a result it was a tad too hot to get drunk during this game because I was already hungover and seriously dehydrated. I think this destroyed our efforts today, the lack of beer consumption. Also, our expert pitcher of doomsday gyro balls was in New York City. This meant that I had to take over pitching doody's.
Aaaaaaaand I got rocked. We lost 27-1. Apparently it's possible to lose 27-1. I led the team in runs scored though so that's a plus!
The other team was just flat out good today and we were just bad. Really bad. We need to work on some defense. I will say this though: If you are winning 17-1, SWING THE FUCKING BAT. What kind of soulless, gutless pussy are you if you take a walk with that lead. I'm talking to you douchebag in the Cardinals hat. Figures douchy mcdoucherson is the one taking a walk. Wearing a stupid Cardinals hat. Thinking about stinky Pujols. Guhhhhh don't take walks when you are winning by 16.
Anyway, luckily we have discovered the secret to improvement of our team since the liver talent is obviously there. This answer will come in a new post.
So similarly to the Cubbies update, I have decided to keep a running log of all of the softball games that we play with our team The Old Style Bombers®. Our team is pretty kick ass, none of us played competitive baseball or softball in high school, except maybe Vince, I can't remember. So we play every sunday. My natural position is center field, left center or right center. That's called versatility folks. I generally hit in the middle of the lineup, but I vow to improve this year. I want to lead our league in VORP or some other stat that only super nerds understand.
I would just like to say that if anyone heckles me in centerfield, that's just fine. I will find it hilarious. It will not bother me at all, in fact I might even feed off of it. And I'm not even getting paid to do this. So if you want to heckle me, I'm not a giant pussy, so that's ok.
So game 1 we kind of needed to get the rust out. The Old Style Bombers™ just needed to get the kinks out. In fact, I don't really even remember what happened in the first game, except that I did shitty at bat and we lost.
Game 2 is where the fun begins. We were a bit dishevelled in the game. Had some people barefoot, some in jeans, some in clubbing outfits, 1 in a dress; basically we looked like a fun baseball team should. Here were some quotes provided by our catcher, we'll call her Aron, that the other team said: "what is going on with this team, they're wearing jeans, they don't have shoes, they're drinking beer, but they're actually not that bad
they're really laidback we should come out to play like they do"
So we picked up the momentum a little bit and actually had a come from behind tie. Not too bad. Even my bat got a little hot.
MVP of the day: Aron and her .750 batting average while wearing a dress and flip flops. Truly this is a team Old Style Bombers¡ performance for the ages.
So I'm a little late in posting the results of this magnanamous (possibly not a word) competition but the results are in. The winner of the Operation Challenge is Justin. Yes, my boy Vince was excellent, but in the end he just didn't have enough to topple the boardgame beast known as Justin. It was a heated battle resulting in a tie after the first round but Justin prevailed in the tiebreaker. Shaky hands Andy and "I don't have the balls to participate" Jon did not win.
Vince was my guy, I'm still not convinced there wasn't some foul play going on. I hate to mention the Barry Bonds word, but here's a picture we took of the guys before the Operation Challenge went down. Andy is on the left, Vince in the middle, and Justin to the right:
I mean, we didn't test for illegal substances but you kind of have to wonder...
PS beer was definitely not a banned substance and played a major role in this competition
