Milwookie

So tonight the Milwacko roomate and I went across the street to the local sports bar Champs. Before I get into the details of that I think I've finally found a better pictorial representation of the business roomie here. Jake Plummer was a tad too handsome and unfortunately so was this guy:



But now I think I may have found a MUCH more suitable picture:



This picture is SPOT the fuck on son. I bet Mark Lee has much more stylized sunglasses and much less mustaches these days.

Anyway, back to the story, which really isn't that great of a story anyway, we were at champs watching basketball and hockey and shit and I was like damn, I haven't seen any chicks in a while. Seriously, there's only about 12 out of the 80 people in the office I'm working at here. And the only hot one was brought in for the same work that I was from India! She's not even local! Why? Because all the Brookfield/Milwaukee area women are Milwookies. That is my new name for them. And come on, I'm working with a sample size of 3 locations, my work, Champs sports bar, and the mall across the street (Brookfield is the best!). The following is a recap of the women I met and the conversations we had at Champs (and if I didn't actually have a conversation with any of them, I just made shit up about what I thought it would have went like. At least one of these is real though.)

1st Girl of the Night: Leslie
Picture I took of Leslie-

Leslie:"I'm actually a really big hockey fan I love hockey and watching the men with no teeth it's really the best sport out there baseball isn't that much fun to watch although people say it's a lot of fun to drink beer to and I really like beer especially MGD that's my favorite but don't you think hockey guys with no teeth are just the cutest and I really just like black eyes too what's your favorite hockey team?"
Havok: "The-"
Leslie:"Because mine is the Red Wings even thoooooooooooo we live in Wiscaaansin-" blah blah blah blah you get the idea.

2nd girl of the night: Tina
Picture of Tina:

Tina:"What are those there green thingamajigs on your plate? They sure don't look like mini-brats to me!"
Havok:"Um, they're green beans, they're a vegetable. Shit woman, I need vitamins. How the hell am I supposed to rock without that shit?"
Tina:"Oh dear I didn't know you could get those here I thought the only vegetables you could get were cheese curds."

3rd Girl of the night: Marsha
Picture of Marsha:

Marsha:"Can you pass the butter thingys please?"
Havok:"Sure, here you g- wait...are you gonna put that on that piece of pie? Who puts butter on a piece of pie? That's not really healthy for you."
Marsha:"Hey I didn't say anything about the salad you ordered."

4th girl of the night: Bertha
Picture of Bertha: (She's the one on the left)

Bertha:"Come here you cute little businessman and lick the mustard outta my cleavage! I just wanna put a brat in my mouth IF YA KNOOOOO WHAT I MEAN!"
Havok: (Running the fuck out the door)

In fact , it's pronounced "mill-e-wah-que" which is Algonquin for "the good land."

Quick post with first impressions from my day in Milwaukee. I am actually in Brookfield which is a western suburb of Milwaukee. As far as I can tell, there's nothing here except for chains and malls. I work across the street from a mall and the closest restaraunt is a Buttfuckers (read: Fuddruckers). The workday is normally 7:45-4:15 here. 4:15!!!! Can you imagine getting out that early! Holy crap!

My apartment here is real nice. Fully furnished, with everything, huge bedroom, my own bathroom with 2 sinks, a completely useless loft, a balcony with no grill. I have a roomate here. His name is Matt and he is from the Phoenix office. He is 23 years old, went to Stanford and sports a moustache with no sense of hilariousness or irony. It's just there to make him look good. Seriously. No, really. In fact, he kind of looks like this:




Anyway, he's a really really nice guy, couldn't be more kind and in his spare time he said he "likes to go to Barnes and Noble and read books" so we should have a lot to uhhhhhh talk about.

Chicago Cubs vs St. Louis Cardinals April 22, 2007

Today was our first bleacher game of 10 this year. Since it was Cubs/Cards we got there 2 hours early to get good left field seats for Pooholes home runs. Yes, I'm a Cubs fan and I said Pooholes home runs. This is because Wade Miller was pitching for the Cubbies. Wade Miller sucks nuts. We set the total home run over under for the game at 4. I took the over and predicted 7 HR which turned out to be spot on. This is because Wade Miller was pitching for the Cubbies. Wade Miller sucks nuts.

Fun stuff during the game:

Chris Duncan was playing left field for the Cards. This guy took a ton of harrassment from the Bleacher Bums. Favorite insults: "Duncan you're a Yo-Yo, why don't you go walk the dog!" "Duncan Donuts! Make you fat!" "Duncan, your mom eats hot dogs!"

I don't like to make fun of girls physical appearances but I think we saw the worst boob job ever today. These things were just not right. They looked like inflatable elf shoes near the neck. Just awful plastic surgery.




Anyway, real fun game with lots of scoring. Highlight of the game was when Soriano pinch hit in the 9th and then DeRosa knocked him home to tie the game and send it to extra innings. The Cubs still lost in the 10th, but it was a fun game. Cardinals win 12-9.

Cubs record in 2007 when I am in attendance: 0-2.

Pitchers:
Cubs - Wade Miller
Cardinals - Adam Wainwright

Singer of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame": Robbie Gould (such a nice guy!)

Top Ten Things Last Night's Mini Golf Course Was Missing

Hot damn do I love mini-golf. Last night my friends took me mini-golfing and thanks to the jello shots and tequila shots in my system I was able to win. Alcohol helps my handicap. However, this was a very serious course which leads me to this post:

The Top Ten things that last night’s Putt Putt course was missing:

10. A Giant ass T-Rex

This is for nostalgia purposes, a personal thing. There was this course by where I lived AND a course outside Boston that both had a huge ass orange T-Rex for no freaking reason. I mean, the hole was just straight with a T-Rex standing over it. If you hit the ball straight you would get a hole in one. Completely pointless and I love it.

9. A strangely puce colored ball that you have no idea how it got to be that color so you HAVE to take it. Although, they did have black balls at this course.

You know what I’m talking about. You immediately regret picking this ball within 3 holes.

8. A hole that was wayyyyy too long and took forever to play and that if the course had been crowded would have bottlenecked like crazy causing us to do stupid shit like use our golf clubs as ninja weapons causing someone to get hurt which I actually did anyway last night when there were no people on the course

7. More holes where you shoot it in the first hole and then it goes down a tube to the actual hole which is on a different tier.

These are totally awesome. The best are the ones that have multiple subholes to choose from. You just never know where the ball is gonna end up!

6. An 18th hole that either lets you shoot it into the clowns mouth for a free game or at the very least sucks your ball down.

This is necessary so that when I play with my brother, and we tie, he will get really pissed that we can’t have a playoff hole to determine the actual winner.

5. Those mats that have the 3 holes on them at the start of each hole which really serve no purpose because you just pick the center hole every time.

Ok, maybe in rare instances do you choose the left or right hand hole.

4. A Theme

OK there was this totally awesome mini golf course in Lake George, NY that had an around the world course that was 18 holes and an around America course. It was totally sweet, had an Egypt hole, France, etc. Pirate’s Cove also does a good job with this.

3. Holes where your ball can go in the water and you have to use that huge ass pole to fish your ball out and almost fall in during the process

The best is when your friend DOES fall in hehehehehehe. See: alcohol.

2. Signs at every hole talking about Pirate Adventures or some shit like that

The alcohol, combined with the lack of signs last night, cause me to never have any clue what hole I was on. Come on! What if this is the hole about the CURSE OF REDBEARD THE PIRATE! Build the suspense! See: Pirate’s Cove again.

1. A Windmill

The staple of every trashy putt putt in America.

The Spirit Journey Formation Anniversary is Now

And so, at 11:45 AM on this day, April 20th, 2007, the 24th Spirit Journey Formation Anniversary did occur. And a song of utmost righteousness was performed:

Deep within the womb of time,
a creature thus be born
The seed of life is united with
the egg of tyranny
Gestates forth from within the womb of life
for three-quarter and nigh a year
The creature thus be born!
The creature thus be formed!
And ye of years...
Twenty Four
Will chime!
When the heavens open up
and drink from the silver cup
The creature thus be born!
And blow the magic horn!
To alert the spirit deep within the cycle of life.
The creature has begun it's journey deep forlorn,
upon this day which he be formed
In the sea of mucus the spirit rides down from the mountain
and unites with the creature in the womb
A holy union, dark mortality, until the dark mortality
breaks the chain of life
The creature thus be born
And every year raineth down the celebratory tears
A celebration of the years
from mere mortal sky

Dawning of the Day of Havok

Artists rendition of the day after Havok's birthday

Tomorrow marks the 24th time that the Earth has completely revolved around the sun since Mama Havok done spit me outta the womb. Since the revolution of the Earth around the Sun is totally bad ass, this is cause to celebrate. In fact I’ll give $5 to the first person that gives me taco kisses.

Suggested songs for tomorrow include, but are definitely not limited to:
Nothin’ but a Good Time, Paradise City, Kickstart My Heart, Pour Some Sugar on Me, Wake me up Before you Go-Go, Unskinny Bop, Girl Money, Dr. Feelgood, Highway to Hell, Back in Black, Welcome to the Jungle, Whorehoppin’ (Shit Goddam), etc.

(one of these things is not like the other)

Hibachi!

Dancin like Hibachi!

So back in November, some of my friends wanted me to join their fantasy basketball league. Well, last night concluded the league and who won the league?...

BOOM! My team HIBACHI won the league! I am the super-mega-awesome-kinglord of fantasy basketball and all must bow to my fantasy bball prowess. It’s probably because I’m so much more ghetto than all of my friends.

To put this victory in perspective let’s look at my record for the year. In 24 weeks of play my team was a staggering 22-1-1 and my category record was 101-57-4. That’s called TOTAL FUCKING DOMINATION. That’s 1 week away from a league naked run. Don’t get me wrong I have a lot of respect for the managers of (the teams that placed 2-4) everyone, but that is ace.

So who is my team MVP?

Why HIBACHI himself of course, Mr. Gilbert Arenas.

Agent Zero is by far the most bad ass player in the NBA. His blog is even funnier than mine (if not intentionally so). http://aol.nba.com/blog/gilbert_arenas.html#070322_01

The man even has Gilbertology, the study of Gilbert Arenas devoted to him

http://www.gilbertology.net/

Where does the name Hibachi! come from? Agent Zero started yelling Hibachi! after every shot he took because he was just so damn hot, just like a Hibachi grill. How many websites does Gilbert read? None, except for his own blog.
I love Agent Zero.

The World if Havok were a Rapper Part 1

This post will be short because I am tired and want to go to bed, but today, a startling revelation occurred. I can not ignore rap music, as it remains a staple of American culture right now, but you have to admit, rap totally sucks balls right now with only a few exceptions (Ghostface Killah and MF Doom anyone?). About a year ago I created a rap song. It's pretty much the freshest thing every created. So then a few days later my friends and I were hanging out on the street. It was pretty much a normal day, I had my acid wash jeans rolled up to my shins and was wearing my super awesome blue wifebeater. Two hotties rolled up on bikes having some lame conversation about hips or something. They turned out to be cool though and they even jammed with me for a bit. Here is a video of the proceedings:



So yeah, does that song sound familiar?

MIMS YOU BASTARD YOU STOLE "THIS IS WHY I'M HOT" FROM ME AND I'M GONNA SUE YOUR ASS! LISTEN TO THE LYRICS! THEY'RE THE SAME!

Guhhh.

(Remind me never to post again when I have absolutely nothing to say and have been watching ABC Family)

Chicago Cubs: Cubs vs. Reds at Wrigley Field April 15th, 2007

So since I live in Wrigleyville and will be going to 11 or 12 Cubs games this year, I've decided to document each game in this blog. None of these posts will be particularly funny, unless if you find the Cubs to be comically bad, but this will be the only way I can remember all of these games. That probably means I will write a lot of these summaries drunk. Fun!

Today was Jackie Robinson day at Wrigley Field as well as every baseball stadium in America. This was very moving for me because they handed out pamphlets about Robinson to every fan and when I had a snot rocket in the 5th inning I was able to use the trivia page in the pamphlet as a tissue. I'm not sure what I would have done without Jackie Robinson. Legendary.

Today's opponent for the Cubs was the Cincinnati Reds. I thought the "Reds" is a ridiculously stupid nickname, until I saw their logo:



Ken Griffey Jr. prefers you call the team "Commies"


So anyway, I have nothing interesting to say about this game because the final score was 1-0 Reds and the Cubs sucked balls. Well everyone except for Theriot, who has three hits. Fun fact about Theriot's name: everyone pronounces it "Terrio" but I have decided it's supposed to
be pronounced "The Riot" and I think this is my decision so CALL HIM THE RIOT.

Cubs record in 2007 when I am in attendance: 0-1.

Pitchers:
Cubs - Ted Lilly
Commies - Ryan Lohse

Singer of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame": Brady Quinn (so hot!)

The Great Operation Battle

So we have 4 friends enrolled in the Northwestern Med School right now. I'll change their names to protect their innocence. We'll call them Vince, Justin, Andy, and Jon. Last night I was at a bar with my friends and this bar was loaded with old board games, one of the games being Operation. We decided that we need our med school friends to have an Operation battle. Immediately, my money is on Vince. Having lived with Vince in the past, I know his true abilities and he is second to none. Matt has his money on Andy, Chuck has Justin, and Fat Tony has Jon. They are idiots clearly. Vince is the master and will prevail. I will blog about this again once the battle happens, but for now, GOOOOOOOO VINCE!

Ogresmash: The Stinky Stinky

Warning: Do not read this post. It is disgusting and juvenile. I just need to get this off of my chest. (Editors Note: that is not a Cleveland Steamer joke) At least it has no gross pictures though.

I'm coming up on having worked for my company for 2 years now and there are still a few things I just don't get. First, I do not understand the work fart etiquette. Sometimes I get bad gas after eating Chipotle and I need to belt out a monster fart. I just know it's going to be loud too, the air pocket builds in my large intestine. What am I supposed to do here? Just let it out? That would be rude for others, but it's MY CUBICLE not theirs so what the hell is the big deal? What's the etiquette here? Your thoughts are appreciated in the comment section.

Second, today was about the 10^th or so time that I've gone into a stall in the bathroom and there's been a dookie and toilet paper still floatin' around in there. What. The. Fuck. Ok obviously everyone poops, except for girls. Oh, and that one guy's girlfriend that we nicknamed "The Dumptruck" in college. Sooooo, there's only 3 possibilites here.

1. Some dude forgot to flush 10 different times.
2. Sniper Shit.
3. Someone clogged the toilet. Someone clogged a fucking industrial toilet.

I will explore these one by one

First, the forgetful flusher. I don't know what to say about this one. This guy is just a forgetful asshole.

Second, the Lee Harvey Oswald shitter. There are some rules about sniper shitting. It's just not OK in the work setting. I mean, I'm at work, why make my day shitty (no pun intended)? Situations where the sniper shit is appropriate: College. Come on, living in a fraternity, you gotta sniper shit at least a couple times. Like, if your cook makes "cholesterol casserole" for dinner; it's sniper shit time! Don't want your hallway to endure the aftereffects of that! Hiroshima the 4^th floor! Or if someone on the third floor drinks all your Old Style; punish his toilet with an Old Style Sniper Shit! But never sniper shit in work damnit.

Third, the toilet is so full of it, it's gotta be named the Dick Cheney shit. How the fuck do you clog an industrial toilet? Going back to the fraternity house, we restocked all of our toilet paper. There was a kid who once used an entire roll of toilet paper for one shit. TWICE. I had to tape a sign to the door asking for the double flush. WHY CAN'T YOU DOUBLE FLUSH? It's REALLY simple! And why the hell do you need that much toilet paper?! Do you have a gatling gun buckshot anus? Lordy, lighten up on the paper and save a tree you asshole!

Ogresmash: The Ten Commandments

Now I know what you're thinking based off that title. OH NO HE'S GONNA GET ALL PREACHY ON US! How the hell can Havok possibly convince me that murdering isn't bad? Well I'm not gonna talk about the actual commandments no matter how goddamn stupid some of them seem.* (God seriously includes oxes and asses as things not to covet. And while not coveting an ass seems like brilliant foreshadowing, because what girl doesn't want a little junk in the trunk these days, no one cares about oxes anymore. God is not hip, that should be changed at least to bell bottoms so that God can be as much with the times as the Catholic Church is. Run-on sentences are the best.) No today I'm going to talk about the movie, the Ten Commandments, starring Charlton Heston and the overall story leading up to the creation of the commandments. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0049833/

OK, my problem is that Moses is a dumb ass. To fill those in that don't know the story, Moses is born a Jew, but his mom pulls a total inner city Detroit and leaves him in a river. Some sterile Egyptian bitch related to the Pharoah finds him and raises him and he competes with Ramses to be the next Pharaoh. Moses is the George Michael to Ramses Andrew Ridgeley and he's gonna be the next Pharaoh until he finds out he's a Hebrew.

OK Let's stop right here for a second. This is a pretty big revelation. You're Jewish. But you're gonna be the next Pharaoh. No one knows you're Jewish except you and your mother. What do you do next? Here are the options as I see them:

1. Don't tell anyone and just be Pharaoh.

Option 1 would be pretty kick ass. You get a tits life as Pharaoh. Lots of pyramids in your honor. A legacy for the rest of your life and thousands of years to come. But, if you have a heavy moral pulse, this would suck having "your people" be slaves to build your shit. So that's the downside. Oh, and you'll go to hell if you believe in that sort of thing.

2. Don't tell anyone and when you become Pharaoh, yell "GOTCHA BITCHES!" and free the Hebrew slaves.

Frees your conscience this way.

ANY OTHER DECISION IS STUPID. So what does this asshole do? Tells everyone he's Hebrew and nearly gets his ass killed. Lotta good that would have done jackass, now your people can't be freed. Guhhhhhhhhh Moses is an idiot.

Yeah this seems like a WAY better idea than just becoming Pharaoh and freeing everyone.

SIDE NOTES FROM THE TEN COMMANDMENTS:

Because I am a pervert, it took me 2 hours to realize that bondage = slavery and not S&M sex. That may seem like a long time, but this movie is 6 hours long, so it's not.

When God takes the form of the burning bush to talk to Moses, he speaks slowly and slurs his speech. I'm pretty sure this symbolized that God was drunk at the time.

After having 5 opportunities to free the slaves, and choosing the hardest way possible to go about freeing them, Moses leads everyone around in the desert for 40 years. Seriously. Dumb ass.

*Note to self: Refrain from breaking commandments when establishing an opinion about them in the future.

The Douchebag Girlfriend/Boyfriend Theory

The Ultimate Douchebag: John Mayer

80% of my audience (4 out of 5 people) have heard this theory before, but it bears repeating and needs to be published. This will be the first theory I write on this blog of many to come. Most of the theories have been scientifically proven true, but some are still open for debate. This one falls into the former category; it is absolutely 100% megasuperawesome true and is nearly impossible to prove false.*

The theory: By the time they reach age 24, every person has dated, at some point, a male or a female with a douchebag name. You must have dated at least 2 people to rule out nerds that have never dated, the psychos that married the first person they ever dated, and Michael Jackson.

Examples of Male Douchebag names include, but are definitely not limited to: Tanner, Brody, Conner, Cody, Toby, Ethan, Tristan, Jackson, Gavin, John Mayer, Brayden, Carter, Dane Cook, Blake, the name of anyone in Cirque du Soleil, etc.

Examples of Female Douchebag names include, but are definitely not limited to: Madison, Addison, Bertha, Diamond, Heaven, Misty, Jasmine, Joey, Apple, Madonna, Olivia, Destiny, Trinity, Jennifer Lopez, Mackenzie, Faith, etc.

Note that just because this might be your name, it doesn't necessarily make you a douchebag, it just means you have a douchebag name (John Mayer, Dane Cook, Madonna, Jennifer Lopez excepted).

Seriously, ask anyone who they've dated, everyone's got a douchebag name in their past. They might deny it, but then you just remind them about Todd and BOOM it's done.

*Theory may not actually be true about every guy dating a girl with a douchebag name due to lack of research, but I'm pretty sure it is. It's definitely true the other way though.

The History of French Rock and Roll

Today, instead of bringing you tall tales or funny stuff, I'm going to write a completely nonfictional post. I am going to present you with the history of French Rock and Roll music from the beginning to the end non-stop. I will cover every detail of punk, prog, pop, and so forth. So let's begin!

The obvious place to start is Serge Gainsbourg. Gainsbourg blended Jazz, ballads, mambo, lounge, reggae, pop (including adult contemporary pop, kitsch pop, ye ye pop, 80s pop, pop-art pop, prog pop, space-age pop, psychedelic pop, and erotic pop), disco, calypso, Africana, bossa nova and rock and roll to create a unique sound which he used to write songs about wanting to have sex with his daughter.

This concludes my piece on the history of French Rock and Roll, in which I have cited every single relevant French rock artist in history.

Fine.

What? You seriously thought the people that brought us Cirque du Soleil have had any contributions to rock and roll, or anything bad ass for that matter? Please.