Zubaz and Cock Rock

Cute Puppies

2009-02-11T14:15:00.001-06:00

Bonnaroo Rumination 6 Or: Egoroo

2008-07-16T21:23:00.000-05:00

(Editors Note: If you are Kanye West I swear these aren't my photos and I didn't break your lame ass no photo policy at your show. Thanks.)

I'm typing this entry so fucking hard I might break my fucking Mac book Air!!!!!!!! HAHA JK I don't even own a Mac Book air. Nor am I really angry right now.

Much has been said about Kanye West's performance about Bonnaroo. It ended up being the most controversial and talked about performance of the festival because of it's epic, colossal failure. This is the best roundup of the performance can be found here.

It's probably better than anything I'll write but fuck it, I'm gonna do the same exact thing and just try to objectively approach this performance from the point of view of someone interested to see the glow in the dark performance, had seen Kanye twice before, but isn't a huge Kanye fan, just likes the spectacle and doesn't mind the music.

No more than a week before Bonnaroo, an e-mail was sent to ticketholders with the following words verbatim: "We are excited to announce that Kanye West will now be performing a late night show on the Main Stage on Saturday, June 14th instead of the previously announced time! This scheduling change is being made to allow Kanye to fully present his critically acclaimed "Glow In The Dark" show. " OK so that seems pretty reasonable. His time slot got moved from 8pm across from Jack Johnson on the smaller mainstage to 2:45 am on the bigger mainstage. Rumors flew around everywhere that Kanye also was not happy about being on the "second" mainstage and did not want to be opposite anyone at all, nevermind Jack Johnson. Also, there were reports his stage couldn't fit on the second mainstage. Regardless of the actual reason, a 2:45am Glow in the Dark show sounded awesome to me and I was looking forward to a novel concept for a live show. Afterall, novel live shows continue to be one way to save the music industry (although they might be going extinct too because of gas costs). Honestly, I kinda wish the only reason was so that he wasn't opposite Jack Johnson, because that would be a hilarious conflict. Kanye would yell at him and Jack Johnson would probably just passively sit there and not do anything, possibly asking "Why can't we get along?" At least that's what I'd expect from his music, which is as boring as that response. Maybe it would be awesome if Jack Johnson went to his trailer and got a rabid raccoon and had it purposely bite him. And then he would go attack Kanye West while foaming at the mouth and Kanye would do dance moves in his stupid spacesuit from the performance to get by him and then he stabs Jack Johnson who's soul goes crashing into the abyss. Because that's what raccoons can do to you. That and make you look like Robin from Batman and Robin. It would be hilarious if Kanye put on a Robin mask while dancing away from rabid Jack Johnson too. I completely forgot what this post was about.

So after Sigur Ros I go to meet up with Erin and Arthur for Kanye at the mainstage. Naturally, we meet near the beer tent and the jumbotron on stage reads "KANYE WEST WILL PERFORM AT 3:30". A little late means right on time for a rapper. We ran into my coworkers again who were looking for their drugs which I really only mention because I find it hilarious and slightly disturbing that my coworkers are so willing to share their drug habits with me despite having never been in Waterworld. Now keep in mind that at smaller stages, other bands are playing. Phil Lesh was playing (hippie fare), as well as Dumpstaphunk and another jam band. According to SOPTRANTA, at 3:30 Phil Lesh and others just stopped playing and said, "Sorry, but we were just told we had to end so Kanye can be the only performer." Fact: it is VERY POSSIBLE to anger hippies. Stopping their crunchy grooves and painfully lame dancing is the secret.

Don't worry Kanye, I do too

Only there's another problem: Kanye doesn't start at 3:30. Now I'm assuming that Pearl Jam going an hour late had A LOT to do with Kanye starting late, afterall, it takes a while to take one stage down and put perhaps the most complex stage out there up. But does a drunk crowd, tired from dancing for 12 hours straight care? Hell no. That crowd assumes that Bonnaroo has been planned for months, and that there are backup plans when things go wrong, and that Kanye's tour manager has an idea of what they are doing. And that's when the boos started. And kept going. And kept going. And then FUCK KANYE chants started, and people started throwing bottles. Allegedly someone threw a bottle that damaged Kanye's screen as well. I really can't communicate how pissed off at least half the crowd was, it was a shitshow of angry hippies. 4am rolls around. Still no Kanye. Many people leave. Those that stay get louder.

An angry and confused concert goer

Finally, at 4:25 am Kanye West begins playing. For all that I crap, I do have to hand it to Kanye, the man did not flinch in the least bit to begin his show and danced his heart out and still did a great job of entertaining. I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy the first part of the show. It actually was a very impressive stage set-up and the glow in the dark concept was really cool at times.

It was glow in the dark for realz with lots of lights, not like crappy t-shirt glow in the dark or rave glow stick glow in the dark. Kanye had a chance to make me mostly forget how late his show was except for two problems.

First problem was the type of show. Kanye's show was a very scripted sci-fi adventure where his computer named "Jane" leads him from planet to planet while he sings a song on each planet. At no point is anyone else on the stage. This is fine, but seriously man, you aren't Jessica Simpson, you can stray from the script for 1 minute to acknowledge the people still there. Kanye did not say anything about the late start time, didn't once thank people or apologize, he just very bizarrely did his little weird concept show. I just about lost it when he complained to "Jane" that there wasn't "any pussy in space". Way to go guy. You stay classy Kanye West. Unless by space you meant Bonnaroo and by pussy you meant attractive women who aren't hippies. But even then you'd still be drastically and incompetantly wrong.

The second problem was irony. Kanye West had his time slot changed to present his "Glow in the Dark" show in full form. One problem when you start at 4:30 am is... THE FUCKING SUN RISES AT 5 AM. This represented one of the most surreal moments of my life.

The sun clearly came up evident from many pictures as if to mock Kanye West and say, you may think you're the best in the world, that people don't show you enough respect, or that you are always correct, but fuck you bitch, I am the motherfucking sun, and I will rise every day and stomp your bitchy ass whether you like or not. Fuck yeah sun, you're a super hero.

Now Kanye took a lot of shit in the presses for this show and here is his response (I really highly recommend you read it in it's entirety, it's so hilarious and awesome):

Who fucking cares what his points are, I will summarize the hilarious phrases that needed to be added to my daily lexicon of speech-

I'm typing so fucking hard I might break my fucking Mac book Air!!!!!!!!

LET'S BREAK DOWN THE WALLS ON THIS TRUMAN SHOW AND LET YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY OCCURRED!!!

I HAVE A FUCKING LIGHT SHOW DUMB ASS, IT'S NOT CALLED GLOW IN THE DARK FOR NO REASON SQUID BRAINS!

REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE A SHORTY AND WATER WOULD HIT THE TV??????

I HAVE TO ICE MY KNEES AFTER EVERY SHOW AND THEY HURT WHEN I WALK THROUGH THE AIRPORT... HAVING AN EXPENSIVE STAGE CUTS MY PAYDAY IN HALF...

SQUID BRAINS HAHAHAHAHA awesome.

We trudged back to camp after Kanye's performance at about 6am and got a whole 2 hours of sleep before the sun's hell heat vanquished us as well. Brothers in Kanye's war we are. The next day featured a whole mess of FUCK KANYE graffiti and FUCK KANYE t-shirts. It was sprawled everywhere as seen here.

I can say that morale about Kanye West was could not have been less "Stronger".

Let me end with this:
Kanye West: You may be a great producer, you may perform your heart out every night, this may have been almost 0% your fault, but man, don't be a douche about it. You should not have asked every other group to stop play NO MATTER WHAT and you 100% should have said something to the crowd. If you had done that, you would have come across as the saint, and not the sinner. Instead, I have little sympathy for you. The words are "I'm sorry" squid brains.

Walking back

(Also, stop typing in AIM speak you don't write for LOLcats gosh that pisses me off).

Bonnaroo Rumination 5 or Spirit-a-r-oo and the Happy Dance Magic

2008-07-14T22:44:00.003-05:00

Let's get back to talking about the festival and bands now, enough acid dropping.

As we departed from Saturday Bruncheroo to see some bands there were a couple of Evangelicals preaching about the evils of rock and roll. I found this wonderfully exciting as I thought people had moved on to accept rap as the devils music, but was thrilled to see rock still has it's bad ass edge to it. These people were relentlessly mocked by concert goers, who like me, are part of the smartass generation. People made counter signs and stopped to take pictures with them as seen here:

Obviously, these guys probably didn't generate the positive impact they hoped to.

The first band we saw saturday was Sharon Jones & the Dap Kings. The Dap Kings were featured as the backup band to Amy Winehouse in her album Back to Black (with single "Rehab" which I am documented as saying is lyrically appalling, but hey, looks like she turned out OK). However, unlike Amy Winehouse, Sharon Jones is completely awesome live. Even at 52 years old the woman bounces around the stage and sings her heart out, even keeping in key and on beat in between songs to joke about taking her heels and clip on earrings off. All of us there had a blast and danced our asses off.

Not from Bonnaroo but I love this pic, it sums her up very well

Next up was the Gypsy Punk Revolution of Gogol Bordello. I've seen Gogol Bordello many times and they always put on an awesome show. As always I get a few skeptical looks from my friends when describing the crazy multi-national gypsy dance along and they were sufficiently weird out by the freak show that rolled up,

but after seeing them and the absolutely crraaazzzy show they have everyone becomes a convert. Such a fun show to see and another one to lose ya butt dancing to.

Gogol Bordello

A change of pace was needed after the non-stop dancing of the previous two artists and Cat Power was perfect for this. I've professed my love for her before, and she was surprisingly different in a live setting. She was very very intense while singing and having a full backup band gave a much richer feel to her songs rather than the stripped down emotion I'm used to. All in all, a pleasant surprise.

After Cat Power, we headed over to the legendary BB King and his guitar Lucille, still going strong at age 82. I wasn't expecting much but BB King was absolutely awesome. He was incredibly gracious, humble, endearing, and still put on an amazing show. He's like all of your grandfather's funny and crazy comments put on stage and bolstered by absolutely legendary songs and guitar playing. As someone from SOPTRANTA said, "After the show I just wanted to sit next to him and listen to his stories he was so adorable." Right on, SOPTRANTA.

We caught a bunch of Ben Folds following BB, but we stayed way in the back, due to exhaustion from dancing all day in what was by far the hottest and muggiest day of Bonnaroo. Also adding to the distraction, I very surprisingly ran into some coworkers (fellow Taco Bell employees?) at Ben Folds and talked to them for a while as neither of us had any idea the other party would be there. But as a result, I don't have much to say about Ben Folds other than he claims to be retiring "Bitches Ain't Shit" but is probably lying.

We headed back to camp to restock up on beer and vodka and whiskey because 2 of the absolutely highlites of the festival were coming up for me, Pearl Jam and Sigur Ros. Also, Jack Johnson sucks and we didn't want to see him

Back at camp SOPTRANTA introduced me to a new concept of Beirut. Now being a legendary Beirut player, I am always open to new ideas and interesting ways to play the game. 3-D Beirut features 6 cups on the bottom with 3 stacked above that and 1 stacked on top. You must work your way down, anything hit in the bottom with cups remaining up top does not count. The fun part of it is that many times, when you hit a top cup, it falls back into a cup in a lower row which means both cups are taken and drankened (bad english alert). This can lead to the dreaded 7 cup hit of awesomeness. Altogether, a fun alternative to regular Beirut worth a play every once in a while.

3-D Beirut in action

And so, on to Pearl Jam. I'm not going to write too much about their show since I already did at Lollapalooza, but here's what I will say: 3 hours. They played for 3 freaking whopping hugely awesome hours included hitting up some rarities I never thought they'd play. Eddie Vedder continues to command a massive stage presence and tight grips your attention without ever letting go. All this while drunk too. Eddie Vedder was clearly and obviously drunk at this show, which made it even more amazing that he could still sing so well. Pearl Jam has fought Ticketmaster, MTV, global warming, and countless other issues and still remained one of the strongest, funnest, incredible live bands in the world. In an era of little decent arena rock left, they are the true champions.

Can you name this rarity?

So is Eddie Vedder drunk?

Pearl Jam ended at 1am, just in time for me to head over and see the 1-3am set of one of my favorite bands on Earth, the mysterious and otherworldly Sigur Ros. Sigur Ros probably isn't a band you'd think would be one of my top 5 favorites, given my heavy guitar pedigree, but there is something just so beautiful and wondrous about their music that I love them. When people ask me to describe them I say they are a slow deliberate band that creates a heavenly atmosphere and I borrow a quote from my friend Aly when we saw them a few years ago, "It just feels like being hugged." Sorry if that's too cute for you, but it's true. It's wonderfully moving, happy, and emotional. A beautiful band from an amazing place that played a soaring late night set. It makes me happy just to think about seeing them live or hearing them in headphones.

Sigur Ros come equipped with a Mariachi band

Love this band

Which is why I'm going to stop this rumination here and get to Kanye West next time.

Bonnaroo Rumination 4 or Drugeroo

2008-07-14T22:28:00.000-05:00

Before you read this post please go watch the movie Waterworld. It will make one joke in a very long and stupid post much more hilarious.

In my last rumination I mentioned how 5 different people asked me what drugs I was on and if they could partake in the drug usage. I have also mentioned how Bonnaroo has it's roots as a hippie jam festival. Thus it is not surprising that drugs are very omnipresent at Bonnaroo, so much so that it becomes annoying at times. Now I don't ever consume any drugs that aren't alcohol, and I don't have any desire to, but at the same time I don't get on the case of other people that use them. Drugs are corrosive to society when amplified by an addiction and I'm not going to joke about that, but I have plenty of college and high school friends who smoked a whole hell load of weed and they are still contributing members of society, wonderful people, and it didn't gateway to anything else for them. Overall, I am pretty libertarian about drugs, I'm going to say no and please don't use them around me if you offer, but if you wanna smoke up in your house or do cocaine in the girls bathroom whatever, hey it's your life, who am I to tell you to stop.

Drugs are everywhere at Bonnaroo and they are not hard to get. Dealers constantly stop by your camp during bruncheroo and offer and are overall very polite and will go away immediately if you say no thanks. They're just trying to do business, not harass you. Saturday morning when we woke up had the two of the most hilarious encounters of druggies and dealers by far. First was the guy (I'll name him Sketchy J) who provided this conversation: Sketchy J: "Hey I'll trade you a bump of cocaine for a beer!" Me (giving a WTF look): "What the fuck?" Sketchy J: "OH WHAT AM I SAYING I didn't mean to say that um I mean I'll give you a dollar for a beer haha." Me: "Go away." I don't really know what the going price of cocaine is but a bump for a shitty PBR hardly sounds like a good price for him, but hey, whatever you gotta do for a cold one I guess.

The next story involves the most bizarre actual human being I've seen in my life. This guy came to Bonnaroo with his friends in a van painted entirely black except for the punisher symbol painted on one side. Here is his picture (taken the last day as we were leaving, the ones I took of him in the camp didn't come out well):

This dude comes in and says to Arthur and I: "krryyyzaaazzzkkkzkzkkzkkkkzkkzk qqqqqpooopqqqqqqkikikkkkkkkk" to which Arthur and I at once give a WTF look and I notice this crazy bastard only has one tooth. I literally had no idea what he said, and since I am smart said, "um ask them" pointing to the SOPTRANTA camp. SOPTRANTA was much more fluent in druggie speak but even they had no idea what this dude was saying and just gave him two beers and he went away. As he was leaving, one of the SOPTRANTA's says: "Was that guy an extra in Waterworld?" causing me to burst out laughing, because seriously just look at that picture again. Now look at this picture of waterworld:

This dude was obviously prominently involved in that film. In addition, waterworld guy and his waterworld people would frequently enter the forrest behind us, presumably to use their drugs. Once again, not consuming any drugs, I have no idea what the purpose of doing this in the woods is, but they seemed to love it. I'm not even entirely sure they saw any bands during the trip.

Two final observations about drugs and their place in Bonnaroo: At a few points I was warned about drug sniffing dogs at posts on the way to Centeroo, and one person lamented to me about how all of his weed was taken, but not his other drugs because they were in a scent proof metallic box bolted beneath his car (holy crap that's a long way to go just to smuggle drugs). Anyway, weed guy was looking for some more weed and he brought up an interesting point, that none of the dealers were selling weed. I found this to be very true as well, almost all dealers were selling cocaine, acid, or ecstacy, very few, if any (I can't fully remember since I always say no thanks) offered weed. I'm not sure what to make of this, whether it was because of the metal and electronic kids (do they tend to do harder stuff than hippies? I thought hippies also did acid? What do I know?) or what, but it was interesting because weed is blatantly obviously used everywhere in the camps and during the bands. SOPTRANTA had a gravity bong and you could smell weed before every single band. By that I mean, literally, every single band, to a point where on the final day, sunday, Erin and I were just blatantly tired of the smell of weed and hoped that most people were out of it already (many people were). So why are all the dealers selling hard stuff if such a huge percentage of people are smoking? Seems like the old grocery economics where if you sell a ton of a cheap product (with small profits) you can make more than selling very little of an expensive one (with large profits) because of the power of aggregate.

That's all I have to say about drugs.

Bonnaroo Rumination 3 Or Armagederoo

2008-07-07T21:59:00.001-05:00

When we went to the liquor store thursday morning to get our whiskey and beer for the weekend (the Tennessee girls wanted whiskey, proving they know the way to a man's heart) I noticed a local free newspaper similar to Chicago's RedEye. It had the following headline: "ARMAGEDEROO! Is Metallica's appearance at Bonnaroo a sign of the apocolypse?" This tickled me to no end. As if a metal band playing at a huge festival was the end of the world. That's quite the overreaction. Regardless, despite the presence of huge names like Pearl Jam, Kanye West (just wait til that entry), Chris Rock, and more, this headline was evident of how, going into Bonnaroo, Metallica's appearance was the most talked about performance of Bonnaroo. It is no coincidence that it was the performance I was most pumped to see, and a big reason I came to Bonnaroo. But we'll get to them later tonight. First, the buildup.

I've said quite a bit about !!! before, but wow do I love this band live. There are very few bands on par with them in terms of pure energy and delight to be on stage. They are a non-stop dance fest and impossible not to shake that butt to. In a bizarre turn of events, at one point there were large cardboard cut outs floating around everywhere in the audience. That didn't stop lead singer Nic Offer from humping the speakers though. I NEED to see this band late at night in a dark club (I'm seeing them again at the Pitchfork Music Festival, once again, during the day).

I love me some !!!

Next we met up with SOPTRANTA for State Radio. Jackie is in love with their drummer. What can I say, the man knows his way around a set of skins. I guess these guys used to be in Dispatch and I guess I'm supposed to remember who Dispatch is but I don't so whatever. As for a sound it was a peculiar combination of Dave Matthews band-ish stuff, Sublime-ish reggae and Sublime-ish punk with overtly political lyrics. Let me tell you, when they started singing "Guantanamo" and "CIA" everyone was so moved they left straight for the Conscious Alliance Food Drive Tent and the Clean Vibes Earth Tent because they were inspired to create positive change. HA JUST KIDDING everyone just cheered and smoked more weed. REVOLUTION!

I am creating my molotov cocktail now

As with any major festivals, there are going to be serious conflicts of what bands to see. Willie Nelson was in a set directly opposite M.I.A. for whom my love is well documented. Since I saw M.I.A. less than a month ago in Chicago and have seen her 5 times already I opted for Willie Nelson. Willie was classic and a lot of fun but I think I personally wasn't in the correct mood for it. I was too jacked up about the creeping approach of the Metallica set. We stayed for a while and then went back to our camp to stock up on booze and to get some rain gear for the fresh rain that had started.

Willie Nelson

Once again it's impossible to see everything and going to Willie Nelson then stopping back at camp to meet up with friends and get some more whiskey meant we had to miss Chris Rock. Unfortunate. But we had to set the mood for Metallica and that mood was set perfectly using cans of PBR and shots of whiskey. Jackie boob flasked it and we were off to see METALLICA. Note: from here on out I will only be referring to "Metallica" as "METALLICA". This is less understood in type, but saying it the former way is speaking as a normal person, but saying it METALLICA is like barking it with a gutteral howl and powerful force. This is the only way to say METALLICA when you are listening to and especially about to see METALLICA. You may hate METALLICA for the whole Napster thing, you may hate them for the utter shitbag that was St. Anger, you may hate them for cutting their hair and putting out the 80% crap that was Load and Re-Load, but there is no denying that from 1981 to 1991 METALLICA put out 5 of the greatest metal albums of all time including the best metal album of all time (Master of Puppets, don't even try to argue this), completely changed the entire genre, and were the first American metal band to gain mainstream acceptance. All of this, with zero radio play. That is impressive and that is why they are METALLICA.

/end ferocious man-love run on sentence

Hetfield and Hammet at Bonnaroo

...And METALLICA for all - DAMN did they deliver. They shredded for 2 and a half straight hours of fist-pumping fury and shout-along anthems. Accompanied by a stark metallic set and a few pyrotecnic feats during "One" they ripped through a set list that consisted of 95% songs off of those 5 classic albums, deliciously playing at least 3 songs from Kill 'Em All, Ride the Lightning, Master of Puppets, ...And Justice for All, and the Black Album. Kirk Hammett absolutely melted my face off with scorching barn storming solos and I was in Heavy Metal Heaven. They kept the interest of even the non-metal fans for an entire 150 minute set, through sheer energy, talent at the instruments and undiluted joy in their craft. I think that's what surprised Bonnaroo veterans and those afraid of the miscreants METALLICA would bring to the festival: the pure joy of the band and it's fans. Instead of the apocolypse, it was a band that said "we are so happy to be here playing for this wonderful festival", instead of violent moshpits erupting at other performances there were METALLICA die hards excited to check out new bands and curiously approach new music. All in all I (very obviously) had a blast at METALLICA, so much so that at one point, the person in front of me turned around, laughed, and said, "Dude are you on acid or something?" No, friend, I was high on the power of heavy metal.

In addition, I know I've said this, but thank you to my friends who were awesome enough to pound whiskey and head bang with me despite having virtually no knowledge of early METALLICA, it was kick ass and made my night 1000 times more awesome. I raise my horns to you. \m/

Metallica fans at Bonnaroo

WHEW following that epic set we grabbed a bite to eat, for the night was still young. MSTRKRFT was next for us. I've actually seen them twice before in clubby clubs in Chicago and had a blast so I knew they'd be fun, but was curious to see how they would transfer into a late night rural festival. But they were awesome as usual, splicing and mixing their best with crazy stuff like AC/DC. It also helped that I was still elated and overjoyed from the METALLICA set so I was dancing like an absolute maniac. Over the course of MSTRKRFT and Tiesto, who was next I was asked the following questions: "DUDE that must be crazy shit you're on, you got any left?" "Oh wow look at this dude go he's gotta be rolling, man can I join you?" "Hahahahaha this guy is tripping balls, you wanna share bro?" and "You've gotta be on [drug I've never even heard of and can't remember the name of], can I have some?" The first couple times I tried to explain that I was just naturally like this and a bit drunk, but after that I just said, sorry, all out! METALLICA = drugs I guess.

Like I mentioned, Tiesto played starting at 1:30am and the tent he played in was jam packed. Tiesto is apparently ranked the #1 DJ in the world so a lot of people were excited to see him and he delivered. His show was obviously tailored and used to large club environments and wasn't as awesome as Daft Punk last year, but that's an unfair comparison because nothing is like Daft Punk (sorry Kanye). What made this show extra cool was the Bonnaroo guests he brought on stage. Tegan and Sara joined for a song, the Swedish Chef Jose Gonzalez sang a song, and someone else I didn't recognize did one too. Tiesto was a blast and a great cap to an unbelievably night.

Bonnaroo Rumination 2 Or Bruncheroo

2008-07-02T22:29:00.000-05:00

Instead of talking about specific days I'm going to loosely follow the chronology and stop whenever I feel like it. The reason behind this is that with bands going off so late in the night, days turn into nights turn into the next day and sleep is forgotten and so forth. So this rumination begins with waking up friday morning and the topic of sleep. You do not sleep at Bonnaroo. This festival is like hippie endurance boot camp. Now, none of the bands begin playing until 12:30 the earliest each day so you would think you can just sleep til 11 or even 12 since you aren't gonna shower anyway. You would be wrong though. Being in a tent, the sun blares down on you and scolds you for partying so late in the night. By 8:30-9am every tent becomes a sweltering hippie toaster oven and it becomes impossible to sleep. You are forced to wake up by 9am. So what the hell do you do until noon or later? You sit there and try to move as little as possible, drink plenty of water, and eat whatever scraps you have lying around. Since there are no refrigerators and ice is a pain to get (and needed for beer) we brought in non-perishable foods and cooled beer as we needed it instead of buying it cold. This leads to a 9am breakfast of sweltering hell heat, beef jerky, tortilla chips, bananas and power bars with water or breakfast beer to drink (the beer is if you're feeling pretty zesty). That's what I like to call nutrition folks.

I have an endorsement deal with Jack Link's

In addition to bruncharoo, this gap before bands is also high time for all the illegal t-shirt salesmen and drug dealers to walk from camp to camp and sell their goods. Now I don't consume any drugs other than alcohol, but it's still impossible not to have a drug related story at Bonnaroo and tons of hilarious encounters. I'm going to save my thoughts and experiences with the dealers and other people looking for drugs to consume for later ruminations.

On to bands for friday, I had no real agenda until 4:30pm and the insanity that followed for the rest of the night, so having an open day to explore was fun. First band we saw was a band called Steel Train. They were in the vein of traditional American Rock and put on an energy packed show. A good way to start off the day without expending too much energy. But guys, lay off the cheery sounding songs that end up being about watching the twin towers fall on 9/11. This is like having a pinata filled with razor blades. It's real fun till you actually see what's inside and you want to cry. On the other hand maybe everyone at the birthday is a cocaine user so they are excited about the razors. My analogy is lost. Please provide a better analogy in the comments.

9/11! WOOO!

Next up we saw one song by Jose Gonzalez. We were following Jackie around because she had plenty of bands she wanted to see so we let her lead the way. She tackled Bonnaroo the way I tackle amusement parks and european vacations: see and do as much as possible and make the most out of your day. This was perfect for the gaps of time where I didn't know what to go see, it was like having a bonnaroo pu pu platter. A pupuroo, if you will. Then again I have terrible memory, hence why I blog things and take pictures so I can't really remember too much of Jose Gonzalez, just that he was by himself with an acoustic guitar and is SWEDISH making his name kind of stupid (yeah he's probably an immigrant or his parents were, blah blah whatever, just assimilate already).

Not Swedish

We also stopped by a small tent to see a few songs by State Radio where it was mostly short people asking me to take pictures. More on them later.

We then took a break before the friday evening madness to walk around and check things out. We said hello to some campsites, stopped by the incredible yarn artwork, and went to the food stations outside of centeroo (there's food stations inside, as well as in selected areas in the campgrounds). Fooderoo: festivals never seem to get the food thing right. Bonnaroo had a couple good options, the $1 grilled cheeses were a thing of beauty and the NY style pizza was legit and delicious (if not that filling) but holy nikki sixx people I WOULD LIKE SOMETHING OTHER THAN JUNK FOOD AT LEAST ONCE in 4 days. The closest I got to realizing that desire was the last day when I had a fish platter with crab and shrimp and fish and rice and some cooked veggies although it ran me $12 which sucks when you've already paid so much. Some grilled chicken with corn on the cob is easy to do. There are plenty of options, just so much junk food at such a high price starts to wear you down.

Do these people honestly look like they want nothing but french fries for 4 straight days?

OK that's it for now, more on the Friday night madness next rumination.

Bonnaroo 2008 - Day 1 Or Entrance to the Refugee Camp: Death to my Cleanliness!

2008-06-30T22:08:00.000-05:00

This year I have the unfortunate situation where I have to miss Lollapalooza. What could possibly fill my need for mind numbing exhaustion in summer heat while listening to a million live bands? BONNAROO. As background, Bonnaroo is essentially the same thing as Lolla but with a few key differences. First, Bonnaroo is 4 days to lolla's 3 days. Next, and most importantly, Bonnaroo is in farm grounds in the middle of nowhere Tennessee, and once you enter Bonnaroo, there is no re-entry. By that I mean, everyone arrives thursday to Bonnaroo and are caravanned into a spot that they use for camping. You live in your tents in Bonnaroo for the next 4 days. Showers are $7 and therefore, the majority of festival goers do not shower while they are there. I assume it's the majority, because that's what I did. It was a very smelly weekend. However, this gives Bonnaroo a very distinct advantage over Lollapalooza in that set times can be at any time of the day or night, and as a result can be much longer. This also creates cultural differences at the festival that are pretty entertaining. Although the lineup style has changed dramatically over the years, it is still evident that Bonnaroo began as a Hippie Centric Jam Festival. Thank you Metallica, for turning this festival into a slice of awesome (despite the hippies disdain for your appearance).

Bonnaroo Hippies

We arrived into Bonnaroo on Thursday afternoon. I'll change my friends names for their own safety and discretion and will henceforth refer to them as such: My car had me, "Arthur", and "Erin" and we followed a car with "Jackie" and "Mike" who followed a caravan that had "Shitloads Of People That Reminded Arthur of New Trier Assholes" or SOPTRANTA from now on. Also a guy named "Dave" joined us. We were ushered into a camp that was a straight shot to Centeroo (where all the stages and shit are) and right next to a forest (more on the forest and it's inhabitants later). At first we were dismayed at what appeared to be a daunting walk to Centeroo, but we quickly realized from the maps they handed out that it could have been significantly worse. Our trek to centeroo ended up only being about 20 minutes (some could get up to 45!). We set up our tent and connected our open air parasol thingy with the SOPTRANTA peoples open air parasol thingys. I immediately starting sweating due to the heat. At no other point during this weekend was I not sweating. And I didn't shower once. I thought you'd like to know that.

Bonnaroo Overhead

Immediately after that we started drinking (OH YUENGLING GLORIOUS YUENGLING IT IS GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN) and headed off to see our first band.

Yuengling

Bonnaroo lesson number 1: Figure out creative ways to smuggle in alcohol.

At Bonnaroo you can bring anything you want into the festival as long as you don't have any glass. There is an "inspection" before you get in where you have to have your car "checked" but all it consists of is someone asking you if you have glass or drugs and then you say no (lies) and go in. They fully expect people to bring in alcohol and it's totally cool. What you can't do is bring that alcohol to Centeroo, where they have people checking your bags before you enter. There are ways around this. Our most effective methods are putting cans of beer inside jacket pockets tied around the waste, and my favorite and the most effective method, which I will code name "Flask in boobs". This method is top secret and I will not share it with the public.

The first band we saw was MGMT. MGMT is notable for being a "hot new band" and because Jackie and Erin both dated the lead singer at different times in middle school. Thus they were both incredibly excited to see them live. Although unimpressed by the lead singers looks (sorry ladies), I did enjoy the band. They reminded me of 1970's David Bowie but without the outrageous look. Perhaps all they need to do is wear an eyepatch and they will become super mega stars.

Was apparently a dreamy 7th grader

Next, was one of the bands I very excited to see. THE SWORD. For I knew the Sword would bring me on a journey where I could Harken on the Howl of the Huntsmen Hounds and Labor in the Liquid Light of Leviathan while I stand in the presence of the Gods of the Earth. Arthur joined me for what was undoubtedly the LOUDEST performance of the entirety of Bonnaroo. Man were they loud, but damn Thor, did they slay. If there had been a spider priest present, their colossal riffs would have slayed it in a heartbeat. I thoroughly enjoyed them and they left a twinkle in my eye like a flash from Barael's Blade in the sun.

Short Sword clip since I know you have no attention span

Next up was Vampire Weekend. Now for such a bad ass name you would think you would get bad ass music, but they're more like Paul Simon in playing in the Ivy League Quad than the Norse God Sounds of the Sword. Truthfully, I can not remember much of this performance other than the fact that there were no vampires leaving me tragically disappointed.

About what I was expecting

LEZ Zeppelin was next. Months prior to Bonnaroo there were crazed rumors that Led Zeppelin was playing. Turns out people are stupid and it was actually Lez Zeppelin, a lesbian Led Zeppelin cover band. While the lead singer isn't quite the same as Robert Plant by any means, I still really enjoyed them because it was so awesome to FINALLY hear Zep played in a live setting. I really wish they would unite for a tour rather than just the one time dealy last fall in London. Those tickets would be hotter than hell and very pricey but it would be so worth it. This was the last band I saw. More observations and band descriptions to come later!

Musings on Macho Man, Wolf Shirts, Amazon and the Internet

2008-06-09T21:30:00.001-05:00

Recently I've been seeing advertisements on the bus for a book called "God is a Woman" by "Comedian Ian Coburn". Now I have no idea if this book is good or not, it's probably really funny and I might enjoy it if I read it, but one thing really struck me funny about the ad that you can also see on the books website http://www.godisawoman.net/

Note the reviews quoted:

"Best book I've read" - Amazon review

"Hilarious!" - Amazon review

"Funniest book I've read" - Amazon review

"Best book to meet women" - Amazon review

"Best advice for women" - Amazon review

Etc etc etc

I understand this is a small time guy with a small time publisher that miraculously went #1 on Amazon in Canada, but using AMAZON REVIEWS???? Seriously?? Is that really where we are in society that we can start quoting internet reviews? Because to me, the internet is both the greatest and worst thing the world has going for it right now. The internet allows you to acquire any good, service, or slice of knowledge and allows absolutely everyone to have a voice. However, with this comes the downside that the internet allows you to acquire any good, service, or slice of knowledge and allows absolutely everyone to have a voice. Have you ever read a comment on youtube? It's the equivalent of punching your uterus repeatedly while pregnant. Let's look at the first video featured on you tube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7DW1J5rmSIY&feature=dir

"i like both teams i didnt mind the wings win i wanted the pens tho but pens are a Young team there gonna be around next year like the wings and the Sabres!!1 top 3 teams right there wings,pens,sabres woot woot"

Fucking great. Thanks for the comment kevster422. You have truly enriched my life.

My point is, you have to be able to filter out the bullshit on the internet, and a serious fucking number of people can't do that yet. Based on Mr. Coburn's advertisement for his book I will now create advertisement for several items that I enjoy.

Buy the "new" rap album from wrestling superstar "Macho Man" Randy Savage called "Be a Man"! This album was declared the greatest album of all time by noted critic Kenny Havok. It was ranked #1 on amazon (for albums purchased for a penny on amazon by Kenny Havok). Just listen to the reviews:

"The album's dope content made me saturate my pants almost as much as the VHS of Randy Savage's bulging muscular guns glistening in sweat under the lights of the ring. Oh Yeah! Not since The Beatles has an album taking the music industry by storm." – Amazon Review

"This album was not created by a mere mortal. This album was made by God himself, and handed down to the greatest rapper of our time, Randy Savage." – Amazon Review

"From snapping slim jims, to dropping an atomic elbow drop to tanning his body to making Hogan cry to outselling rap legends Tupac Shaker and E-Minem. Macho Man, truly does it all and shows why he is... THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME!" – Amazon Review

"I was an overweight idiot who locked myself in the bathroom for hours snacking on munchos until I heard 'Be a Man' by Macho Man himself. Ive now lost all my baby fat and am eligible for the hit TV show The Swan. This hot fire scores me the hottest babes when Im blasted it in the Coupe De Ville on spinners and when Im in the ring working on th dragon sleeper. I can now bench press 500 pounds and eat a steak sandwich at the same time." – Amazon Review

"Every track is a work of poetry on the Shakespearean level." – Amazon Review

"There is no way you will ever get closer to the utopia you experience when you listen to this outstanding album. I hope for the sake of every being in the universe that we will see many, many more Macho Man albums in the future. When I first caught a glance of this CD at Walmart, I turned and fell to my knees while time literally stopped. Once I regained consciousness I quickly filled a crate with the album and handed the cashier a flying elbow drop! When I placed the CD onto the tray of my stereo system, I knew at once that my life had culminated to that point, my purpose was to witness the sick, wicked, and nasty beats that were about to pulsate through the earth itself and energize my very life force. When the tray recalled itself back into the stereo console, it was as though the final puzzle piece of human existence had been put into place. Rainbows began to pour inexplicably out of the speakers and onto my terrace. The windows flew open and The Macho Man himself floated in on a winged platinum unicorn. He gave me a $5 gift certificate at Radio Shack and told me that I was the chosen one. He said that He and I would lead mankind out of poverty and strife forever. He said we must hurry, unimaginable evils were gathering and following him and there was not much time before he would have to face them. As we prepared to embark a low rumble could be heard in the distance. Hardly decipherable at first, but it began to grow louder, and apparently closer. The sky darkened rapidly and took on a red-orange tint. The rumble grew exponentially louder and more fierce, and the ground began to shake. Without warning an enormous crack in the planet's surface appeared and a great mountain of rock and molten lava shot up from the center of the earth with the force of ten trillion mighty buffalo. Satan himself stood before us, in all of his evil majesty. Despite this apocalyptic series of events, Randy was not at all intimidated. He stood fast, and with a mighty cry of 'OOOOOOHHH YEAHHHHHH!' he was suddenly 250 feet tall and was made entirely of gold. Satan lunged towards Savage with blinding speed, but The Macho Man was suddenly gone. Satan spun back around just in time for a vicious Macho Man drop kick to the throat. Again, Savage disappeared, leaving Satan dazed and confused. As Satan tried to recover Randy leapt at him from out of nowhere with a punishing sunset flip, sending The Dark Lord directly into a black hole on the other side of the universe. Savage explained to me how his musical talents inspired the Greek God Zeus, and so Zeus gave him super powers and ultrasonic vocal cords. I told him he's the illest, the true chief warrior. The bottom line is I used to steal cars and buses all the time, but ever since I heard this album I only smash fire hydrants. I no longer sleep or eat or talk, I just absorb the lyrical extremes that this album surpasses time and again and train to fight The Hulkster. Everything that you've ever done, are doing now, or will ever do is a complete waste of time unless it directly involves Randy 'Macho Man' Savage. If you don't own this album, I sincerely hope that this review has helped you realize what a clueless and wretched piece of waste you really are. And seriously Hogan, be a man for once in your life. If you just take the beating maybe Savage won't banish you from the universe....OOOOOOOHHH YEEEAAAHHHHH!!! I just crapped on myself." – Amazon Review

My birthday was a while ago, and a few of my friends pitched in and bought me a wolf shirt with an accompanying towel. The idea for purchasing the shirt was based on a few things. First, I own a lot of ridiculous clothing and find it hilarious to wear any of it out in public and a wolf shirt would be insanely hilarious. And second, read the comments about the wolf shirt on this website: http://www.birkoph.com/Wolf_tshirt.htm

If Mr. Coburn can use amazon reviews for his book, why can't we use these? Maybe they are serious! IT'S POSSIBLE!

"if god wore a shirt, this would be the one" – Site Review

"Excellent roaming shirt out in the dessert. Gets you great reception for your cell phone as well." – Site Review

"Some people say that my father created Earth in 7 days.. he created the wolf shirt before he even began to think about making the world." – Site Review

"This shirt cured my Aids!" – Site Review

A smarter blogger, with better writing skills would now wrap up this post with intelligent insight into the world of the internet and internet commenting. I am not a smart blogger with talent at writing. I would just sit here and tell you how I think internet commenting is awesome but is a Catch 22 because 99.999999% of internet comments are soul rapingly stupid and terrible, but I don't wanna sound like a hypocrite. After all, I did find God and Jesus on my own blogs message board.

Cubs vs Astros April 5, 2008

2008-04-06T15:19:00.000-05:00

Ahhhhhhhh yes kids, baseball has started up again and we have tickets to a billion games this year and already I have visited the friendly confines. This means it's time for the first Cubbies update of the year! We decided to mix things up a bit this year. Instead of just having bleacher seats we're gonna mix it up and have half the games in the stands. There are a couple reasons for this mostly, that on weeknights, it's hard to get from my work at TACO BELL to the bleachers in time to get seats and it would just be nice to get beer service at the seat for once.

So today we had Roy Oswalt vs Jason Marquis on an absolutely gorgeous spring day, the first nice day I can remember since september. The Cubs got off to a bit of a rough start and were losing 5-3 going into the 7th until the Cubs went on a rampage scoring 5 runs in the bottom of the 7th. Fukudome continues to be amazing as he hit the go ahead double. He has already become a hero in the city and deservedly so, the guy is hitting .500!! He hears chants of Fu-ku-do-me at every game now and Cubs fans are even saying it correctly. This is of course tragically different from when they had the Japanese "It's Gonna Happen" signs that translated to "It's an accident" causing him to probably think we hated him.

One topic of conversation during the game was, if any of us were entered into the Cubs lineup for a full year, what would are batting average be, inspired by Soriano's bad average so far. I maintain that I would have a .000 average. I wouldn't get one hit. I honestly don't see any scenario where I could get a hit even with a full year of coaching. This is why I play golf, the ball doesn't move. My friends seem to think they could bat like .002 or something. I completely disagree, these guys are just way too good. I bet I could only make contact like 1 out of every 15 games. The only scenario I can envision getting a hit is if LaTroy Hawkins is pitching.

Final Score: Cubs 9 - Astros 7

Cubs record in 2008 when I am in attendance: 1-0

Starting Pitchers:
Cubs - Jason Marquis
Astros - Roy Oswalt

Singer of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame": Ron Santo (also, I was on TV during the singing!!)

Cock Rock Restaurant Review: Kuma's Corner

2008-03-10T20:32:00.002-06:00

Today's post brings you a plethora of new features and exciting new elements to your Zubaz and Cock Rock experience. This is the first ever Cock Rock Restaurant Review as well as a brand new concept to the blogging world known as tandem blogging that myself and fellow bloggers are inventing. Zubaz and Cock Rock: now in cutting edge form.

So first the review, before the mind blowing tandem concept. The restaurant visited is called Kuma's Corner. It's located at the corner of Belmont and Francisco in Chicago. Kuma's Corner is a Heavy Metal Burger Pub. The most righteous riffing of the heaviest of heavies has finally been brought to the most deliciously evil food on the planet at Kuma burger, and hot damn it was a bad ass combination worthy of devil horn popping insanity. Each burger is named after a particular Heavy Metal band, some known by everyone and some very obscure. Take a look at the delicious menu here: http://www.kumas-corner.com/food.html

Those of us that went enjoyed the YOB, the Led Zeppelin, and the Pantera. Each was met with a scream over a power chord and head banging glee.

For a much better review and where I stole this picture from, visit the amazingly cool Chicago Burger Project review here

In addition the beer list is amazingly loaded with fantastic Belgian and German beers as well as some amazing micro brews from America Fuck Yeah. The music blaring the entire time was nothing but the heaviest of heavies (ok and one or two still rock but not as heavy songs). I recognized Big Business, Queens of the Stone Age, and High on Fire as well as dozens of others.

I loves me some High On Fire

I had two criticisms of the place, one which was an egregious problem, and one that doesn't really matter. The egregious problem was the wait. There are barely any tables there and the wait ended up being 2 full hours long. In addition, a table of 5 got seated 20 minutes before us despite arriving after us. At first we didn't care, gave us some time to try some beer, but around the 90 minute mark my friend started dying of hunger and I was tired of waiting. This sucked. It's a good thing the food was so good.

The second criticism that didn't matter was that the majority of the burgers had nothing to do with the band, which really, who cares. Kuma's Corner was gnarly enough to score a 666 on my restaurant rating scale so do not miss it!

But this brings me to the brand new tandom blogging concept and the actual awesome part of this post. Now I will give my suggestions on how to make these burgers more like their respective band names and will give a few suggestions of my own. Soon, within the next week or so, the amazing and brilliantly talented bloggers Pete (also came to Kuma) at The Situation has Deteriorated and Cutley at Robot in Disguise will add their suggestions which are sure to be much better thought out and less obscure than the bands I choose. Tandem Blogging: welcome to the new concept.

The Metallica

The Metallica at Kuma had Buffalo Sauce, Bacon, and Bleu Cheese, delicious to be sure, but not even close to accurate. A more accurate Metallica burger would be something that is the most delicious and amazing thing you've ever tasted in your entire life for the first 4 bites. And you get so excited, you tell everyone else to get it. And then all of a sudden the rest of the burger severely changes its taste and tastes like douchey crap.

The YOB
The YOB at Kuma needs to take forever to eat and needs to be so boring while eating it that you fall asleep.

The Black Sabbath
Blackening the burger was an awesome idea but shouldn't it also have Bat-flavored tofu?

Havok Additions: Here are some additions to the menu, although not all are quite metal bands.

The Red Hot Chili Peppers
Would have actual Red Hot Chili Peppers on top and be one of the funkiest tastes ever until you run out of peppers and it becomes the blandest thing thing ever for the last few bites.

Boooooorrrrring

The Courtney Love
Smells like ass and looks like barf so much that it makes every other person hate their own burger as well.

The Nirvana
Comes with no top bun.

The Boris
Written in Japanese, you have no idea what you're getting, but it tastes very unique in a delicious but slightly concerning way.

The Sword
All the hipsters order The Sword, because hey! they like metal too!

The Tommy Lee
Gives you Hepatitis A

The Elvis Presley
Comes on a Krispy Kreme bun and contains bananas and peanut butter, then deep friend (Elvis last meal)

The Anal Cunt
OK... I'm actually not gonna touch this one... but yeah, that's a real band.

The Green Jelly
Comes with Green JELLO on top

The Megadeth
Whoever gets it will tell you it's better than the Metallica, but really, it's not and he's just angry inside

The Anthrax
Sponsored by Osama bin Laden

The House of Pain
Boiled Potato as a bun, corned beef burger with cabbage as a topping. Overall, way too bland, or "Just Right" if you're Irish, in case you didn't get the joke.

Still popular in Boston

The AC/DC
Only served when the restaurant does catering, and therefore only served at Big Balls.

The Rage Against the Machine
Made by the bloody hands of Zapata's children, Mumia go on be free! You want your burger medium rare? Fuck you I won't do what you tell me!

The Pearl Jam
Was actually more popular the the Nirvana burger, but once the Nirvana got taken off the menu everyone forgot that and declared the Nirvana the greatest burger of all time

The Queens of the Stone Age
Best consumed stoned

This picture was very easy to find

The Goblin Cock (Album Cover Image Not Safe For Work)
Bacon, Cheddar Cheese, ¼lb. Vienna Hot Dog, Tomatoes, Onion, Neon Green Relish, Sport Peppers, Pickles, Celery Salt Mustard
Wait...that's actually on the menu. Well, looks like Kuma does have a few right.

That's it for me, look for Pete's additions at The Situation has Deteriorated and Cutley's additions at Robot in Disguise soon!

Havok at the Oscars

2008-02-20T22:20:00.003-06:00

The Oscars are this sunday and I'm sure everyone is wondering what's going to win this year. Luckily, Havok is here to tell you who is going to get the Golden Eunuchs this year.

Writing (Original Screenplay)
Winner: Superbad

Writing (Adapted Screenplay)
Winner: Shit, I don't know the difference between these two so I'm gonna say Superbad again

Visual Effects
Winner: Night of the Lepus
Cloverfield-- take a hint, THIS is how you make a MONSTER!

look how real this is

Sound Mixing
Winner: Paul's Boutique by the Beastie Boys. They used 105 samples in this album and are still getting sued for it to this day, how can this not win?

Sound Editing
Winner: Shoot 'Em Up (whenever I can't think of anything I'll probably just put this movie)

Short Film (Live Action)
Winner: I have no idea what this means either so I'm gonna pick the November Rain video by Guns n Roses

Short Film (Animated)
Winner: That Scooby Doo Episode where the Scottish guy uses bagpipes to control a submarine remotely so it can bring stolen watches across a lake which is obviously a more profitable venture than just going into times square and selling it.

Makeup
Winner: Rambo- how they made him look so old after the last movies is amazing

Couldn't find a picture of Rambo so I just put this self-portrait in

Foreign Language Film
Winner: Superbad. They probably released it in another country.

Music (Score)
Winner: There Will Be Blood. In a serious note, this got screwed over.

Music (Song)
Winner: Ace of Spades by Motorhead- from the movie Shoot 'Em Up

Film Editing
Winner: I honestly have no idea how you even judge this. Does this mean whoever had a crapload of stuff and edited it down to the necessary stuff? Because then it's Rambo again for editing out half the dialogue to have more silence and killing. THAT'S editing.

Costume Design
Winner: I was gonna say Spiderman because of the Green Goblin costume but it turns out that was just a Kirsten Dunst mask so I'll go with um Knocked Up or something.

Cinematography
Winner: There Will Be Blood

Art Direction
Winner: Shoot 'Em Up

Supporting Actress
Winner: Grace Jones in Conan the Destroyer. Such class in her career defining role.

Supporting Actor
Winner: Christopher McDonald as Mr. Stifler in American Pie: The Naked Mile. Yet another award for the Havok Hall of Fame inductee.

Lead Actress
Winner: Natalie Portman. Was she even in anything this year? Who cares, this is my list.

Lead Actor
Winner: Christopher Mintz-Plasse as McLovin in Superbad. To me this role was like combining Al Pacino in Godfather II with Orson Welles in Citizen Kane with Sylvester Stallone in First Blood with every Samuel L. Jackson role ever. Complete bad ass.

Best Picture
Winner: Happy Gilmore

SURPRISE WIN CAN YOU BELIEVE IT THIS IS THE YEAR OF UPSETS!!!!!!!!

Terrible Ideas for Rock Band and Guitar Hero

2008-02-19T22:18:00.002-06:00

Guitar Hero has become an absolute phenomenon. Everyone has played it, everyone loves it, it's great for parties, and it's fun to watch. It may be running out of ideas and just chugging out songs with no new game play options, but who cares, it's a blast when you're drunk and Rock Band is even better (assuming you have friends). Last week they revealed that Guitar Hero: Aerosmith would be released in June. It's going to have 30 Aerosmith songs. While this will be awesome just to get Sweet Emotion, Back in the Saddle, and Dream On, I really can't think of more than 15 songs that would need to be on this. So while Led Zeppelin and AC/DC continue to be douchenozzles about releasing their songs so we can't get a totally kick ass version like 100 song Zep Guitar Hero, here's a list of Guitar Hero versions that did not get approved:

1. Guitar Hero: Limp Bizkit

This was considered in the brainstorming sessions for a few reasons. First of all, Limp Bizkit actually has sold more than 16 million albums in America. Yes, the time after grunge died has some really really embarrassing parts. Second, the FDFC considered putting it out because they could track who bought it and red flag them. The FDC being the Federal Douche Finding Committee. Hey Fred! Who's a douche?

2. Guitar Hero: Paul Oakenfold

Originally considered as a cross-over for the Dance Dance Revolution kids, it turns out there's no guitar part.

3. Guitar Hero: Peter, Paul, and Mary

Cripes, they just market everything to kids these days. This was considered to get the coveted kids market, because what kid doesn't love Puff the Magic Dragon and This Land is Your Land? Then Disney declared their monopoly on children's dreams and donkey punched Mary. The deal was called off.

4. Guitar Hero: Hannah Montana

After the Peter, Paul, and Mary debachle, the execs said, well what about the pre-teen market? So they set up a deal with Miley Cyrus as Hannah Montana. However, two roadblocks came about when Billy Ray Cyrus demanded that Achey Breaky Heart be added to Guitar Hero 4 and there were 572 reported cases of parental suicides after the idea was released to the public.

Hot? Um...no comment.

5. Guitar Hero: Dragonforce

Through the Fire and the Flames by Dragonforce is the end song that you are given if you beat Guitar Hero III. This song is completely righteous and totally bad ass and blatantly impossible.

Only the most insane and dedicated people can get this song and it's a widely talked and discussed song amongst players so why not make a version with every Dragonforce song right? Plus, every single Dragonforce song is equally as bad ass and insanely jawdroppingly fast as this song. Well they made this version. It actually got made. They then started testing it with people that love guitar speed prog, dungeons and dragons, and like to pretend they are zelda and this happened:

Dragonforce is a combination of nerdy and bad ass that I can't seem to wrap my mind around...

6. Guitar Hero: Andy Dick Version

Guhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

In Defense of Clowns

2008-01-28T21:33:00.002-06:00

These days, the "cool" fear that all the fear hipsters have is Coulrophobia. Coulrophobia is of course an abnormal or exaggerated fear of clowns. Everytime you start talking about things people are afraid of it's all oh I don't mind spiders but MAN I HATE CLOWNS. Or I'm not scared of God or Satan or Nikki Sixx but HOLY SHIT IF A CLOWN CAME in this room I would totally shit my pants. Well, I'm calling you damn phobia hipsters out, you phobipsters. Clowns are not scary, get over it. They are comic performers, specifically there to make you laugh with their zany outfits, flowers that shoot water in your eye and big shoes.

Debunking the clown myth:

1. Myth - Clowns are scary because it is the fear of the mask, the fact that it doesn't change and is relentlessly comical.

Culprit:

R.I.P Heath Ledger

Truth: Fear has less to do with clowns per se and more to do with being unsettled by something as unusual-seeming as a clown. Prof Paul Salkovskis, clinical director of the Maudsley Hospital Centre for Anxiety Disorders and Trauma, says "People are typically frightened by things which are wrong in some way, wrong in a disturbingly unfamiliar way. It is almost certainly not a reaction to clowns, but we are sensitive to things which are extraordinary, particularly sensitive when we are young. My three-year-old was terrified by Peter Rabbit at a B&Q. Peter Rabbit is six inches high, not seven feet high." (Source) So there, it's not the clown, it's you hating things different from you. I can think of some people that might get pissed about this reaction.

2. Myth: Look at recent culture! Clowns are always killing people! Never are they happy and making children laugh!

Culprit:

Guhhhhhhh Stephen King

Truth: OK, this is like believing Terminator 2 happened and 5 billion people died on 1994. Do you believe every movie and TV show you see? And if you do, why don't you focus on the good ones like:

Or what about the WORLDS LARGEST CHAIN OF FAST FOOD RESTAURANTS using a clown as it's corporate mascot?

This guy has certainly sold a lot of hamburgers and kids don't find him all that scary. It has yet to be proven that fat kids have less fear than skinny and normal sized kids so don't even pull that crap counter argument either.

3. Myth: Clowns are solely here to hunt me down and chase me and kill me while laughing.

Culprit:

Truth: OK this is just getting ridiculous. No one should ever take Killer Klowns from Outer Space seriously. And come on!

Like anyone could catch you in these things. Let's face it, when it comes to clowns there's just nothing to be afraid of.

Bonus: Three more happy clowns to remind you that clowns aren't scary

Pa Havok's favorite clown

John Wayne as a clown

Vince Vaughn as a clown in Old School. There's NO WAY you found him scary, just NO WAY.

Supply and Demand: A detailed look at the Economic Workings and Business Model of the Jawa people.

2007-10-23T19:21:00.001-05:00

Introduction and Background: The Jawas are a race of people that reside on the planet Tatooine. The Jawas mostly live together and work together with some exceptions of individuals that stray from their clan. For the purposes of this study, we will only be looking into the Jawas that live together as an extended community, in their large vehicles known as Sandcrawlers. It is necessary to look at the geography of Tatooine, as it uncovers the answers to many questions about Jawa culture, climate and business choices. Tatooine is a planet comprised solely of sweeping sand dunes and areas of rocky formations. There is no indication of any water sources or plant life. You could draw the conclusion from this, that Tatooine would be completely inhabitable due to lack of oxygen, since there are no plants, but you would be incorrect. The planet is, in fact, inhabited by many species, including the oxygen breathing human race. It is not known where the breathable oxygen comes from, but some theories suggest the whogivesashititsamovie molecule could be in the atmosphere.

This is seriously Tatooine. There is seriously no water. Gotta love nerds.

The Jawas primary mode of transportation is the Sandcrawler. It resembles a large brown turd tank and houses up to 300 Jawas and as many robots. It is possible that the Jawas live in this thing.

Business Model: The Jawa people have decided to enter the lucrative business field of vintage robot resale. Their business revolves around obtaining old robots at a very small cost, and then reselling these robots to local inhabitants of Tatooine. In the opinion of our experts, this plan seems a bit foolish. One can not imagine a large number of robots randomly wandering the desert landscape of a remote planet. In fact, you'd assume that the only robots that wander around are robots owned by locals that seem to have wandered off. This can only lead to conflict when selling the robots back. One would imagine the typical dinner time conversation between Jawa mates as such:

Jawa 1; Jawa that stayed at home and cooked dinner: "Hi honey, how was work today?"

Jawa 2; Jawa that surveyed the canyons looking for stray robots: "Oh not so good, we sat there in a crevice whispering to each other, waiting for a stray robot to pass by, but there was no luck. Ootini."

Jawa 1: "Oh that's terrible! What is this, the 10,257th straight day that a random robot hasn't been wandering through a canyon on a remote planet that's comprised entirely of desert yet still has oxygen and life forms?"

Jawa 2: "Yeah, something like that. I'm beginning to think that the Jawa's should go into a different field."

Jawa 1: "Well to cheer you up I knitted you a new brown cloak that looks exactly like the clothing every single other being in our species wear because it would be ridiculous for a science-fiction movie to have unique non-human characters."

Jawa 2: "Do you ever wonder why you can't see Chewbacca's penis? I mean he is 7 feet tall, that thing's gotta be huge."

Chewbacca: "HRRRUHHHGGGGHHHHHUUUUNNNGGGNNGG!"

Will fuck your Jawa shit up.

Havok's Magical Forest Hippie Journey of Fun Part 1

2007-10-03T22:14:00.000-05:00

So as mentioned before, I visited the Portland, Oregon area this weekend, my first time in the state of Oregon. There was much anticipation about what the city of Portland would bring, what kind of people would be there. And it was just as I expected: a cross between the opening scene of Gummi Bears, the South Park homeless people episode, a grateful dead concert circa now and not the 60's, a hip hipster neighborhood, and a lumberjack haven.

Bouncing here AND there AND everywhere

Spare some change?

The following is a 100% true and in no way fabricated story from my trip in Oregon. Seriously, I couldn't make this up. It's true.

I stepped off of the plane into a place I had never been before: Portland, Oregon. It was an overcast, slightly rainy day, like every day that has ever existed in Portland. The sun never shines in Portland, but not because there is no happiness, it's from all the pot smoke that has clouded the atmosphere. My friends, Flava Dave and Idaho met me at the airport. I was surprised that Portland even had an airport, and did not instead have only bicycles, rickshaws, and people-kites for transportation.

Immediately, my friends knew where to take me: a bar. We had a great night of drinking microbrews and watching some guy in a brown sweater with horn rimmed glasses dance to hip music, but it was time to go eventually. As we exited a man approached me. He was in his mid-twenties and wearing a blue t-shirt. He had a scruffy haircut and I could immediately tell that he listened to artsy bands that no one gives a shit about. I tried side stepping him, but he was obviously trying to agitate me, obviously trying to talk to me. No matter where I went he followed, until finally, I made eye contact with him, and then it happened…

"Hi, can I talk to you about joining Greenpeace for a moment?"

Fuck my Douglas Fir! A damned Greenpeace hippie! I knew it! "No I don't want to join Greenpeace."

They are everywhere in Portland

"Don't you care about our Earth, and your children's Earth?"

"Dude…I'm DRUNK, leave me alone."

"You damn republican! The curse of the Sasquatch on you FOR ETERNITY!"

"OK dude I'm not even repub- AIGHHHHHHH WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT YOU'RE THROWING ON ME"

And with that he ran away. I was stunned. What did he throw on me? A local approached me and said: "Ohhhhhhh dude…that's like….uncool…dude…you know….oh uncool…lame…ohhhhhhhh…hey man he just cursed you, if you don't get a lock of bigfoot's hair before you leave, you'll totally turn into Bigfoot…hey can you spare some change man I'm trying to get some money to stay in a hostel…"

But before I could answer him, a local crack addict beat him up and stole his shoes.

Approximation of the Crackhead

The next morning I was a little shaken up but knew that I had to figure out what was going on. Flava Dave, Idaho and myself pondered. Who would know what to do in this situation? I mean, we don't even know what's going to happen to me. We have no sources to figure out what's gonna happen in the future. Now who knows a lot about Bigfoot? Who knows about the wilderness? Lumberjacks!

You knew where this was going

But Lumberjacks are tough and don't know anything about Greenpeace hippies, they mostly just stomp on Greenpeace hippies. Who in Portland has insider knowledge of hippies because they have been forced to assimilate with them? Hipsters!

Hipsters totally got weird shit sprayed on them by Hippies way before anyone else knew about it

Time was of the essence though. Where would we possibly find Lumberjacks anywhere near hipsters? Idaho and Flava had just the place.

Doug Fir's

Yes, there is a place in Portland that is a hipster log cabin. Sweet Nikki Sixx. We got into Flava's car to get there and AC/DC started blaring. At first I was thinking, BAD ASS, but then I got nautious and vomited...But wait...I love AC/DC...and then I knew what those hippie bastards had done to me...

TO BE CONTINUED...

Where's Waldo?

2007-10-03T21:58:00.000-05:00

And now I present to you - the viewer - photographic evidence that Sasquatch, Bigfoot, Yeti, Sasquatch, whatever you refer to the beast as, does in fact exist. Here I have captured the Leviathan in three pictures and present them in Where's Waldo format. Of course you know Where's Waldo?.

Where is Waldo the Sasquatch?

Where is Waldo the Sasquatch?

Where is Waldo the Sasquatch?

Havok lands in the land of logging and lumberjacks

2007-09-25T19:28:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow I am going on vacation. I will have to miss a few classes of my finishing school but I feel like it will be a worthwhile investment to clear the stress out of my head. And where am I going? The worlds #1 vacation destination of PORTLAND, OREGON! Now your reaction may be something like this:

Hmmmm now what's in Portland that Havok would want to see/do?

Well there's
1. More Brewpubs than any other city in America and more than in Cologne, Germany
2. Wonderful Pinot Noir Wine vineyards
3. The beautiful and scenic Hook River
4. The worlds largest Rose festival
5. The lovely Pacific Coast
6. Nextdoor Eugene, which is home to the Oregon Ducks, who are playing the California Golden Bears this weekend.

And you'd be right I am doing many of those things, but mostly I'm going to visit some friends from college, we'll call them Flava and Idaho to protect their innocence. Portland is an absolute Mecca for the following things: beer, indie rock, roses, lumber, and hippies. Many of you know I have very strong opinions about these things, whether positive or negative (hippies are the ones I have negative feelings for, and yes I have VERY strong positive feelings for trees) so hopefully I'll have some tall tales when I get back.

Ohhhhh yeah baby so hot yeah oooooohhh yeah

I've been drunk and blacked out for thirty seven straight days

2007-09-24T23:01:00.000-05:00

You've probably noticed that I haven't posted a blog post since August. During this time my readership has become angry with me and dropped from 4 people down to 2 people. As for the 2 people that still do read, sorry for the disappointment the 5 times a day that you check. So as for where I've been: Blackout drunk for 37 straight days. Yep, I drank a bottle of Jack Daniels a day everyday for 37 straight days. And I lost 10 pounds. It's this new fad diet that I've started called the Perpetual Headache Diet. All you have to do is drink a bottle of Jack Daniels everyday so that you get so drunk you can't taste tastes, so you just eat healthy.

It works! You will lose weight!

Of course, if you try this diet, I can not be held liable for the liver damages that it will inevitably cause and perhaps cause you to lose your inhibitions, which may lead to running around naked and screaming "I'M THE PLUM AND YOU'RE THE PRUNES BAHAHAHAHA" in an old folks home or cause you to accidently think that a small 8 year olds skull is in fact a head of lettuce.

This one is the 8 year old

So anyway, because of certain incidences like those that may or may not have happened, I've been sent to Finishing School. That's right, they're trying to make Havok into a proper English gentleman. I'll try to post as much as possible while I'm there, but no guarantees until Tuesday, November 6th, which is the date of my Finishing School exam...

TO BE CONTINUED...

Cubs vs Pirates September 23, 2007

2007-09-24T22:38:00.000-05:00

Sooooooo sad but sooooooooo happy was this game. Sad because it was the last Cubs home game of the year. Happy because the Cubs won 8-0 and it's looking like maybe we could be... um... maybe... dare I say... PLAYOFF BOUND? At this point the Cubs sit with a 3 game lead over the Brewers with only one week left of games to play. Things are lookin' pretty good...but it's the Cubs, so I'm not crowning anybody's ass yet. You never know what's gonna happen.

So last home game of the season, we park ourselves in Left Field one last time and watch Soriano milk the crowd. This beautiful, beautiful man has been very, very good as of late. He had some hits, Derrek Lee hit a homer, Ronny Cedeno (?!) of all people went 3-4 with a home run raising his average from -.146 to something positive I think. Geovany Soto continues to look kind of bad ass at the catcher spot and even had some nice throws to pick off base stealing assholes.

File Photograph (read: gross Italian Stereotype) of Geovany Soto

So I'd be lying if I said I wasn't excited. The Cubs have had some crazy victories, it's been the most fun season I can remember since 2003 (I know that was soooo long ago). So... Go Cubs Go!

Final Score: Cubs 8 - Pirates 0

Starting Pitchers:
Cubs: Carlos Zambrano
Pirates: Tom Gorzellany

Singer of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame": The Cubs grounds crew (awwwww!)

Chicago Cubs vs. Cincinnati Reds, Wednesday August 15th, 2007

2007-08-17T16:31:00.000-05:00

Rain delay's are a bitch. This game was supposed to have a 7pm start, but because of the thunderstorm that rolled through, it did not get rolling until 8:35. So what does this mean? I spent a solid 2 hours with 25% of my body covered by an umbrella getting 75% soaked and 100% drunk because there was so much time to get and drink beer. When this game finally got going there was a hilarious line dividing the dry part of my body from the wet part and I was on at least my 5th or 6th beer. But isn't that what makes baseball fun?

With Soriano out and a lefty pitching, the Cubs made an interesting move to start Jake Fox, a lefty who just got called up for this game. Fox was a ho-hum 1-4 for the night, but did manage to win an Oscar for Ray so he's got that going for him.

This was a very high scoring game with the Reds shitty pitcher getting pulled after only 2 innings, but still, there was so much offense that it ended up not mattering, because Druggy McHeroin, Josh Hamilton hit a 2 run homer to beat the Cubs 11-9. Adam Fucking Dunn, Captain Strikeout played left field for the Reds, but was decidedly unperturbed by the Wrigley Crowd as he had a homerun and 3 walks and only 1 strikeout. Ted Lilly looked like balls and kinda blew. But you know who is kind of awesome now? Jason Kendall. I'm not really gonna elaborate.

So it was a fun game, despite the weather and the long ass game which ended at 11:55pm. But the Cubs lost so there's that.

Final Score: Cubs 9 - Reds 11

Cubs Record in 2007 when I am in attendance: 4-5

Starting Pitchers:
Cubs - Ted Lilly
Reds - Phil Dumatrait and his awesome 7.71 ERA

Singer of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" - Tom Dreesen. Yes THE Tom Dreesen that opened for Frank Sinatra for 13 years. (WTF!)

I am awesome with MS Paint

2007-08-15T15:16:00.000-05:00

har har har har har har har look at the author!

And yes I am stealing the Bad MS Paint tag idea from Kissing Suzy Kolber. But they are awesome so it's ok.

Lollapalooza 2007: Day 3 Sunday, or Eddy Vedder Owns a lot of Tambourines

2007-08-13T16:56:00.000-05:00

Sunday. The final day of the 3 day journey. Despite getting little sleep again because of drinkin' the night earlier I felt much better on sunday than I did saturday, probably because I danced significantly less on saturday than friday. Even dancing machines gotta rest the motor once in a while. Sunday was just as ridiculously awesome and fun as friday, but the bands were completely different so it's difficult to compare the two.

First band I saw when I got there was Dax Riggs, who is also the frontman for Deadboy and the Elephantmen. Dax called his backup band the Black Clowns this time and really went with the death circus theme in his music. This made it unfortunate when they were all dressed normally, but then again normal is better than looking like an Insane Clown Posse Rip Off. ICP sucks, unless of course if you're homophobic, misogynistic and a redneck.

Next was a group I was reallllly looking forward to seeing, Rodrigo y Gabriela. If you've never heard of them before, they're an acoustic guitar duo from Mexico that plays a speed flamenco heavily influenced by early 80's thrash metal like Metallica and Slayer. I knew these guys were for real when Rodrigo came out in a Testament shirt. Truly bad ass, and now that I think of it, really the only representative of cock rock the entire weekend. What is this world coming to?

But anyway they literally had my jaw on the ground, Looney Tunes style. The speed at which both of them play is incredible, so insanely fast and still a shitshitshitload of fun. The whole crowd was going crazy clapping and dancing for them. At one point Rodrigo had his fingers so far down the fret he only had an inch to pick! And they played a cover of Pink Floyd's "Wish You Were Here" where the crowd sang along and Rodrigo used a beer bottle as a slide for his guitar. \m/ Devil horns to that one my friend.

I caught 5 different Metallica references while they were playing. At certain points of songs or in between songs they played snippets of the following Metallica songs: The intro to One, the intro to Master of Puppets, the end of Ride the Lightning, and the main riff of Enter Sandman. Of course they have a full cover of Orion by Metallica that they played as well. All in all they were by far one of my favorite acts of the whole weekend and I will definitely be going back to see them at the Riviera in October.

Amy Winehouse took the stage next. Amy Winehouse is one of the best animatronic space alien cover artists I've ever seen live, which isn't saying much because she's the only animatronic space alien cover artist I've ever seen. At this point you may be saying, LOLZ Havok you are so wrong she is a tragic hero and I love her for it and I bet she is a good dancer and I think she is pretty. Well you are wrong. Evidence:

She played 4 cover songs in a 45 minute set (don't tell me it was an hour, she started late) including Lauryn Hill, 2 Specials songs, and a Zutons song. While great choices and 3 of them obscure enough for most people not to notice, my friends and I are apparently not most people.

Space Alien:

Guess which one is Amy Winehouse

Animatronics: Let's analyze the amount of movement in this performance

The Country Bear Jamboree even moves more than that. That said, I didn't say she was bad. She is an animatronic space alien karaoke star though. Mad props to her dancers too, who inexplicably did the Hammer dance during 1 song. This was my favorite song obviously, even though I can't even remember what song it was.

Next was Paolo Nutini, or Pablo Nutella as I confusingly called him. Pablo Nutella is essentially the Scottish John Mayer with bad posture. If you have ever thought to yourself, man I really like John Mayer, but kind of wish he was scottish and can't stand upright then Pablo Nutella will probably be your favorite artist of all time. That's really all I have to say about Pablo Nutella and his poor posture.

I just realized how much I hate his shirt too

The next band we saw was the ever so rocking Kings of Leon. Pretty much straight forward rock from these guys, if you're like me you'll enjoy it, if you don't like rock and roll you should probably get the space alien or scottish John Mayer instead. Best part of there show was when they brought Eddie Vedder out on stage for the final song, a barnburner where Eddie Vedder played two tambourines and absolutely destroyed them within 30 seconds. That's literally the fiercest tambourine playing I've ever seen. The video of it is completely hilarious:

Eddie Vedder is a bad ass.

!!! is the dumbest band name of all time. It's impossible to google. It's impossible to youtube. It's impossible to pronounce. It's Artist Formerly Known as Prince-like stupid. That said, these guys were one of my favorite acts of all of Lollapalooza. Their front man was a complete menace and force to be reckoned with. His name is Nic Offer and as it stands, I'm pretty sure he's the only person I fear if he challenged me to a dance off.

He was dancing and singing on stage in short shorts, shaking his butt stage left, shaking his toush backstage, shaking his popozuda on the right, sha sha shadooby he was crazy.

Loved the way this band transferred over to live and loved the way he worked the crowd. Heard at least 10 people say "Wow who was that they were AWESOME" as we left them. Nic Offer, the dance-off is on whenever you want buddy. OH IT IS ON.

After the excitement of !!! he headed over to catch the end of the Yo La Tengo set. After the sheer ecstacy and excitement of !!!, Yo La Tengo seemed too tame and boring. But when they played a 15(WTF!) minute closer called "The Story of Yo La Tango", I was slowly converted until my jaw finally hit the floor in awe. The song went from boring ambient noises into a colossal noise freakout by the end where the front man/guitarist started shredding and walloping around so hard that he destroyed a couple guitar strings in the process. It's useless to put up any video of this because of the sheer length of the track, but any group that can send me from uninterested to blown away with one sheer epic piece deserves my attention in the future. I would love to see a whole performance from them.

Next we caught about 40 minutes of the Modest Mouse set. I'm not going to talk about them too much because I'm sure many of you like them, but I was left underwhelmed after the sheer awesomeness of the previous two acts. They might have been better if I had seen just them, so I'm holding off any judgement.

We walked over and saw the end of My Morning Jacket's performance next. These guys were really cool, they had the Chicago Youth Symphony on stage with them and I wish we had seen the whole set rather than the last 20 min. I will check them out in the future as well.

Only 2 more performances left in the entire festival AHHHH. TV On the Radio was the next set and I really really enjoyed them immensely although I have no idea what to say about their set. I'll say this, one of the guitarists having wind chimes attached to his guitar was awesome, and I'm pretty sure that if I knew the drummer I would have a man crush on him in a Corey Brewer kind of way. No one will get that last joke, but that's all I have to say about this band, who kicked it and had a ton of soul live.

And finally, Pearl Jam. The number one band I had to see this weekend. And they delivered like only they can. I will not compare them to Daft Punk because they were two different shows (and because Daft Punk still might have been better) but the word colossal goes to Pearl Jam. There were estimates of between 5 infiniti and 6 infiniti people in Grant Park watching Pearl Jam so we weren't very close but they were still ridiculous from far away. They stormed through a 2 hour and 20 minute set which included a 15 minute version of Even Flow where Mike McCready played a 5 minute guitar solo ENTIRELY BEHIND HIS HEAD. Just shows that true rock and roll bad assery still exists on this planet. Also, this song was made even more bad ass by the fireworks going off at Soldier Field directly behind the stage. Amazingly cool coincidence.

Eddy Vedder has an amazing amount of stage presence, he commands every second of attention even if he never smiles. Pearl Jam played all the hits and some impromptu songs like a "Don't go BP Amoco" song about boycotting BP who is polluting Lake Michigan, albeit unfortunately legally doing it.

Pearl Jam has become (still is?) fiercely political. During the second encore they brought out an Iraqi War Veteran and Ben Harper to sing a song about stopping the war. They closed with a 10 minute Keep On Rockin' in the Free World. In a bizarre ending to an amazing weekend, Pearl Jam brought 10 people on stage and had them play tambourines (again). Dennis Rodman and Lance Armstrong were among these people and during the final seconds of the show hoisted Vedder on to his shoulders. Ah yes, Dennis Rodman, Eddy Vedder on his shoulders and a tambourine. This is what life is all about folks. Lollapalooza 2007 is done. I'm gonna go practice my tambourine now.

Vedder on Rodman's Shoulders. Aaaaand I'm done.

Lollapalooza 2007: Day 2 Saturday- The Day I Forgot My Silver Streamer Hat

2007-08-08T19:23:00.000-05:00

On to day 2 of the mighty Lollapalooza. I gotta admit, it was difficult waking up this morning. After the huge high of Day 1 and then going out and partying after, I was a bit exhausted and dead. But still 2 freakin days left so I dragged my ass the heck outta bed and back to Grant Park.

First thing I did when I got there was see a band called Tokyo Police Club that my friends and I talked about checking out. Tokyo Police Club is from Toronto, Ontario and have absolutely no connection or relation to the Japanese law enforcement community. This directly resulted in me not liking them. Perry Farell introduced them and said they would "light the place on fire" or something. How is that representative of protecting and serving the people? Unless if the motto of Japan's police is "to start peoples shit on fire" in which case I would think that no one lives in the apocolyptic anarchy of Tokyo. Fuck this band I left.

And who did I see next? Why another Swedish band with 4 million people in it called I'm From Barcelona. And initially I liked them! They were lots of fun and happy and even though I am not a fan of yiffing they had a sweet dude in a Teddy Bear Outfit!

I dare you to google image search "Yiffing"

But I kept looking at the Ronald McDonald on acid front man that they had. He was a major ginger and something threw me off about him. So I kept looking at him.

Who does this guy look like? Carrot Top? Well that's too easy, and Carrot Top is way more buff than this guy. Wait a second... OH SHIT I KNOW WHO THIS ASSHOLE IS

It's the Chicken Fucker from South Park! The guy that owns the Book Mobile and has sex with chickens in order to get Officer Barbrady to learn how to read! And you know, the more I listened to this band, the more I realized that this guy LITERALLY WAS THE CHICKENFUCKER. Guhhhhh done with this band.

In stark contrast to the happy and light sounds of I'm From Barcelona was the harsh consolidated tones of Tapes 'n Tapes. This band was harder and more rigid than I was expecting. A pretty good show for sure and perfect for me to sit down and rest my legs while enjoying them.

Oh man THROWBACK TIME! It seems like every year Lollapalooza has a band that was completely awesome in the early/mid 90's but if you heard them now you'd be like what the hell these guys are still around? In 2005 it was Primus, last year it was Nada Surf (of course they played Popular!), and this year it was Silverchair. When these guys were huge they were 15 years old. My how things have changed. Since then, the lead singer has gone to Vietnam to fight in the Vietnam War and has lost a lot of men out there.

You don't know what it's like to fight Charlie in 'Nam

But despite the random flashbacks to Ho Chi Minh City and fighting Charlie in the jungle, they weren't half bad. Another great "let's sit down and watch these guys" band. Complete with the WTF moment of the day when the lead singer said, "I once had a dream that I vomited dolphins." Heroin was huge in the 70's I guess (actually I have no idea). Also, every time the crowd would start singing along, he would yell "You guys are gonna make me cry!" Um...people like your music dude, own it. Unless if its because every time you hear people singing it reminds you of the innocent screaming Vietnamese citizens that you killed in the war. Then I understand.

MOVING ON next I checked out the Cold War Kids on a smaller stage. These guys should NOT have been on this stage as a crapload of people were there to see them, so many that it was blocking traffic. However, it could have just been that this stage was right by the beer tent because by the end of their performance we had moved closer a good 150 feet or so. I really enjoyed them live, nice and chill, but new thing I learned this day: the lead singer is a guy. Who knew?!

Probably has a penis

Only bad news of the weekend was that CSS was supposed to be next on my list of bands to see, but they are from Brazil and I guess one of their connecting flights got cancelled. A shame, my friend who's given first name I have changed to Rocky to disguise who he is, and I both really wanted to see them because they are supposedly a ton of fun live.

Instead we saw Clap Your Hands and Say Yeah! on the mainstage. I've seen these guys before so it was more leg resting time. They are also chill, so chill that I'm not sure they're really a mainstage kind of band. Also they did make me clap my hands a few times, but I never really said "yeah" after clapping so take what you will out of that.

Next up was the Hold Steady who were my favorite act of the day. You can just tell that they have SO MUCH FUN playing live shows. Even though they've been nonstop touring it really felt like this was the first time they'd ever played those songs. They were that much into it. And any band that has a guy in a tuxedo with a curled mustache gets my respect immediately.

Winners of the most bizarre stage show of the day go to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Let's start with this outfit.

Whoa. I had always wanted to see Siouxsie Sioux and the Banshees before, but then they played all Yeah Yeah Yeah's songs. Weird.

Siouxsie Sioux. Know your 80's Pop Music.

Things took a turn from weird into really fucking weird when she put on her silver stream hat that covered her face. So, is this artsy or fucking retarded? I'll let you be the judge (as long as you don't pick artsy).

After the Yeah Yeah Yeah's was another band I had been looking forward to, Spoon. Spoon was OK but I left unimpressed. In my opinion, they completely had the wrong setlist. No Underdog, no Cherry Bomb, nothing to get the crowd excited and into it. My Mathmatical Mind was the only one that would and they played that first. Rocky said he could write pages of what was good and bad about that performance so I will invite him to do so and I will add it.

Next time I'll take Fork and Knife. I'm sorry that's a terrible joke.

Last of the day was Muse. I don't really know any Muse songs but their show was pretty cool. They had an awesome stage set up as evidenced below.

Everytime this dude played the lit up grand piano onstage was cool. I enjoyed them, but can not remember the melody of one song that they played and probably if you played me any song of theirs I would think, oh yeah they played that one maybe. But a nice opera watched from the sides to finish off by far the most chill day at Lollapalooza. This band also made me decide that you could pretty much play ANY music at all and if you have a kick ass light show people will love it. So my next band is gonna have a sweet light show with fireworks and shit. I got it copyrighted or something.

Monster thanks to Lollapalooza, Pitchfork, Stereogum, and ESPECIALLY Jenny for the pictures.

Lollapalooza 2007: Day 1 Friday, or Robots from Space Invade Chicago

2007-08-07T21:59:00.000-05:00

This past weekend I shelled out the $195 to get a 3 day pass to Lollapalooza in Grant Park in Chicago. I couldn't resist for a number of reason, mostly because of the ridiculous lineup and how it was spread so evenly over the 3 days that I couldn't decide which day to get a single ticket for so what the hell, let's bring the Havok all 3 days.

I had such an amazing freaking time that I decided that I'm gonna try to write a blog post about each day as I get the time. First up is friday.

Friday was the day I was most excited for. Out of the extremely strong schedule, this was the one day where I had a lot of favorites going and some high expectations. I'm gonna go through the day band by band giving my sarcastic reactions to the acts that sucked or were lame or deserved making fun of even if they were good or give my utmost praise and hyperbolic overreaction to the bands that I loved.

The Helicopters - This was my friend Scott's coworker's band. I saw them play one song. It was OK. This is the band I have the least to say about.

At 11:45 AM on the myspace stage were everyone's favorite iPod commercial, the Fratellis. These guys were definitely from over the pond but were a lot of fun. They get major props from my neanderthal sex drive for having random chicks in lingerie and stockings passing out free flyers.

At 12:30 AM I went to go eat my only meal of the day. This would become a recurring theme throughout the weekend. Everyone was saying, "Oh lolla was great because it had low food prices." Sure, the prices seemed low but an empanada the size of my cell phone isn't gonna fill me and ain't worth the $5. So What did I do each day? Ate before I got there and didn't eat again for the rest of the day. Hooray healthy living!

While eating I listened to Ghostland Observatory. This band was a complete abomination of sound that I hated. It was some dude/chick with pigtails wailing like a sea otter while some idiot wearing a teal popped collar wizard cape played a keyboard or something. That shit is not entertainment, its tomfoolery. I hated this group, they were the worst band of the weekend.

Only thing worse than popped collars? Popped Wizard Cape Collars

Next was Ted Leo & the Pharmacists. Within one song Ted had fallen down and cut himself which was utterly hilarious. Dude and his band were OK but seriously Teddy, you need a guitar chord longer than 3 feet so that when you jump around and pretend you're at Warped Tour, you don't trip like a clumsy nerd. However, this band had by far the awesomest looking bassist of the tour. Captain 1974 Time Warp was his name.

Captain 1974 Time Warp

After Ted Leo we stopped by a small stage when we heard a gnarly harmonica belting out some classic blues. It was Charlie Musselwhite of course! (who?) we left after 2 songs because they played a boring one next.

We went over to one of the main stages to see the Polyphonic Spree. This band had something like 40 fucking people on stage. There were 9 backup singers, trumpets, harps, oboes, tubas, guitars, floutists, and the Chicago Tap Dance Extravanganza or something like that (not to be confused with the Tony Danza Tap Dance Extravaganza). This performance needed to be nicknamed the Happiest God Awful Clusterfuck on Earth. They had good energy and all, but no joke, they had BY FAR the LOUDEST performance of the weekend. This swedish crap made me deaf immediately when I still had 2 and a half days to go. Assholes. Sweet Lithium by Nirvana cover though.

Quiet down loudypants mcgee.

Next I saw Electric 6. This band was hilariously awesome. They played at the playstation stage. As the drunk ass lead singer put it: "This is the playstation stage...and these are playstation times." They had songs about drugs, giving girls STD's, electric demons, and George Bush having a conversation with Tony Blair in a Gay Bar. Good times, great live show!

Hilariouser than me.

Oooooooo. My girlfriend was next. Miss Maya Arulpragasm aka M.I.A. Ohhhhhhh man I need to find out where this woman shops and need to dress my next girlfriend like that. Sparkley short shorts are HOT. Anyway, I'm fully convinced that her album, Kala, which comes out on August 21st is going to be the album of the year. She's SO original, has SO much to say, and has new stage presence missing the last two times I saw her. I love her. Remember I called Dibs 2 years ago. Also, favorite lyrics of Lollapalooza from the upcoming Paper Planes: "All I wanna do is *BANG BANG BANG BANG!* And *KKKAAAA CHING!* And take your money" Yessss.

Look at this top. So awesome.

Love the shorts and the legs

Sooooo hot

After MIA we ran over to see the Rapture and holy shit am I glad I did. Their albums are always kind of hit and miss for songs, but when they play all the hits rather than the misses live, this band ROCKS. Also, NO one uses more cowbell than these guys. Anyone who sits there and yells or says or wears tshirts that say MORE COWBELL can suck it if they don't own a Rapture album. See: House of Jealous Lovers or WHOO YEAH UH HUH ALRIGHT for proof.

The Black Keys were next and this band is something you kind of have to "get". It's straight up old school blues but done HEAVY. It's not the White Stripes, these guys are way cooler and less weird. I LOVE the sound this dude rolls with on his chicken plucker. And he was sporting a kick ass homeless man beard to boot.

The great LCD Soundsystem was next. I love love love love LCD but we didn't wanna get close so that we could get close for Daft Punk later. We chilled out in the back and I came across some chubby douche in a blue shirt dancing like nuts during Us V Them. Since this is my favorite LCD Soundsystem song, I challenged the freak to dance off and beat his punk ass. I'll put up a video of his performance when I get it.

Here is the jack ass I defeated in a dance off:

What a Tool.

Anyway, to answer your question of HEY DIDNT THEY GO ON RIGHT BEFORE DAFT PUNK LOLZ SO THEY MUST HAVE PLAYED DAFT PUNK IS PLAYING AT MY HOUSE RIGHT? Yeah, they played it second, but didn't really seem to care that they were opening for Daft Punk. Whatever.

Which brings me to Daft Punk. I honestly knew absolutely nothing about Daft Punk live shows going into this performance. My friends, who's names I'll change to Rocky and Jenny were "so excited they could pee their pantses" to see them. But really, how good can two DJ's be right? They could put on a CD and I wouldn't know the difference right?

False. They. Kicked. Ass. I mean jaw dropping ass kicking amounts of SPAM eating kick ass. What a fucking performance. They DJ from a digital LED light pyramid spaceship with massive light setup. They also completely mash their songs with all sorts of crazy stuff to give a unique concert feel. The entire crowd was dancing and completely into the performance. Proof of how bad ass it was; Kanye West watched from 10 feet BEHIND me.

Yes, that is Kanye West to the left of the dude in the black and green shirt

As I get them I'll put up the pictures and youtubes of these guys, but if you ever get the chance, for the love of Nikki Sixx you have to see them. No, I'll change that this one time, for the love of Daft Punk you have to see them. I won't say TOO much because there are some amazing surprises in this show but you have to have to have to have to see these guys.

The space pyramid

Daft Punk from our view

More Daft from our view (Zoomed)

Daft Encore

As of now there are a TON of youtubes up of the lollapalooza performance by Daft Punk. It's impossible for them to do it any justice but at least there are some cool visuals of the pyramid.

Like #1 One More Time:

And #2 Face to Face:

That's it for day 1. As I get more pics and more youtubes I'll constantly update this in the next two weeks.

Monster thanks to Lollapalooza, Pitchfork, Stereogum, and ESPECIALLY Jenny for the pictures.

Guest Blogger and Atlanta Native Weighs In on Michael Vick

2007-07-26T19:39:00.000-05:00

The hot topic in the sports world right now is without a shadow of a doubt the Michael Vick dog fighting fiasco. Coming with this are about a million terrible jokes involving some crap about him and how his nickname listed in the indictment is Ookie. OK so fine the Ookie stuff is pretty funny but so many Vick jokes are just flat out not funny. For example, people naming their fantasy football team Vick's Dog Pound. Please, put a little more effort into it. So without further ado I give you guest blogger Avery, who does not know that his words are about to be blatantly plagiarised into a "guest blog" post. I promise to give him 100% of the revenue that comes from this post. Avery is weighing in on fantasy football team names related to Vick, and these are all absolutely genius:

"...are a registered trademark of Falcons fans. Noah's team name is clearly violating all kinds of copyright laws. I demand 50% of Noah's winnings or an immediate name change.

Not to mention, Vicks Dog Show? thats not even creative - whatever you think about my name, atleast it took some effort. My sweat, blood, and tears went into my crappy team name.

For proof / your enjoyment, here are my failed team names in no particular order.

Kibbles&Vicks
Lassie’sLastStand
ScoobySmacks
7 Dalmations
BloodhoundGang
PutUpYourMarmadukes
PoundedPuppies
My Dog Vick
AirBudBitesBack
Going Toto Prison
RonTinTinMexico
OldYellers'Revenge
Herpes&Hooch
ClifordTheBigDeadDog

I welcome suggestions if you like any of these better / have new ones. I do reret that I couldnt do anything good with 'All Dogs Go To Heaven'

"

For the record, his team name is Cruella DeVick. Awesome.

My favorites are Scooby Smacks and RonTinTinMexico.

Havok Hall of Fame Induction: Christopher McDonald

2007-07-24T22:17:00.000-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, today I bring you the first ever inductee into the Havok Hall of Fame. This man is a legend in the acting world, he has starred in 85 feature films, is originally from upstate New York just like me, and has brought me nothing but mass entertainment everytime I've ever seen him on screen. The first ever inductee into the Havok Hall of Fame is:

Christopher McDonald

You may remember him from such films as Happy Gilmore where he played Shooter McGavin and...
well I don't give a shit, he has made the hall of fame based solely on his performance as Shooter McGavin. No one remembers him for playing anything other than a douche and that's a difficult price to pay. Well here is your recognition Shooter, I mean Chris, no fuck it I mean Shooter. I have absolutely enjoyed you each of the 4,236 times I've seen Happy Gilmore. You are the best fucking actor ever to walk planet earth. You are more attractive than Brad Pitt, more sane than Tom Cruise, and can pull more ass than Colin Farrell. You rock, and I salute you.

Oh yeah, you were the douche in Dirty Work starring Norm MacDonald too. That movie was awesome too. I wonder if people got your names mixed up. Probably not, because you are so awesome. Let's look at some of your acting:

First let's take a look at the scene involving the picture above. Look at the way you pop that collar 8 full years before it was cool. You were ahead of the times.

Now let's look at how nuanced and talented his acting is when threatened by the dude that played Jaws in the James Bond movies. This clip also features a famous quote used in the legendary drinking game, "Meat":

Finally, let's take a look at the most famous interaction in cinematic history:

Don't worry Shooter, as a member of the Havok Hall of Fame, you can eat whatever you want for breakfast.

Cock Rock: KISS

2007-07-24T21:40:00.000-05:00

KISS is a band that absolutely everyone knows, they're impossible to miss. What most people don't know is if they're actually good or not. I'm here to tell you: sort of. No matter what anyone tells you, absolutely everything they've done since taking their make-up off has sucked AND Peter Criss is probably one of the worst drummers of all time AND Gene Simmons is probably one of the biggest assholes of all time AND Kiss hates the Alcohol and drugs part of Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll.

Awesome

Sucks

But their early stuff is absolutely kick ass. Here's the thing, their best album is Destroyer. It's not Alive I, the one that made them famous. I'm sorry, but 12 minute songs with 6 minute drum solos from shitty drummers are not exactly awesome. Also, their best album cover is easily Love Gun.

I'd love to see the brain storming session before deciding on that title: "What should we name this one?" "Well what's something that really defines where we are artistically, spiritually, and mentally?" "Um, a Love Gun?" "Ship that fucker out"

The other kick ass thing about Kiss is the sheer number of products they have that you can buy. Currently you can buy Kiss lava lamps, Kiss incense holders, Kiss Aprons, Kiss Cocktail Tables, Kiss frisbees, and my absolute favorite, Kiss CYCLING SHORTS. Who the hell would want to cycle around with the Kiss logo on their ass? The bicycle enthusiast Kiss fan seems like a ridiculously esoteric market. But this is why I love them.

Lance Armstrong approves

Kiss is one of the few bands I have left that I need to see live before I die. Oh, and I'd probably gladly take any one of those Kiss items that I just made fun of.

Kiss best song:

Cubs vs Giants July 17, 2007

2007-07-23T21:33:00.000-05:00

Well Barry freaking Bonds didn't start again, but he FINALLY got into the game to pinch hit in the 8th inning. And Wrigley Field ERUPTED. The fans went absolutely insane. Security lined up in the the stairways and one security guy said to me "we've been training for this moment for 2 months now". Aaaaaand he lined out to Soriano to MUCH applause. Said Barry after the game: "Everyone in that field was bored until I came in". Partially true Barry, partially true. You forget that we were also drunk (or so says the stereotype of bleacher bums).

The most interesting part of post game is how much it centers around the fans. Rarely do you see that about other teams, but if you check out the write-up of this game on espn.com, you'll notice how the fans chanting, cheering, or booing is mentioned no less than 8 times. That's a lot of writing centered around fan reaction and participation during a sporting event and that is the reason that I love going to Cubs games. White Sox fans can sit there and say Cubs fans are drunks that don't care about the game all they want but they would never get an article about them written like that.

Final Score: Cubs 2 - Giants 4

Cubs Record in 2007 when I am in attendance: 4-4

Starting Pitchers
Cubs - Sean Marshall (again!)
Giants - Barry Zito

Singer of Take Me Out to the Ballgame: I can't remember. Some soul band from chicago.

Cubs vs Giants July 16, 2007

2007-07-16T21:20:00.000-05:00

Go Cubs gooooo! Go Cubs goooooo! Hey Chicago whaddya say Cubs are gonna win today!

OK so the reason we got the tickets for this date was because of the slim possibility that Barry Bonds would break the home run record while at Wrigley. Unfortunately he's only at 751 which is still 4 short of 755 and it looks like the Giants are going to rig it so he breaks the record in San Francisco which makes sense because it's literally the only stadium on earth he won't get booed in when he breaks it. But that doesn't mean we can't boo the shit out of him when he's in Chicago right?

Wrong. Bonds got benched today because he has "tired legs". Which is really because he said that it was "a fucking embarassment" that he was wearing that uniform the way he was playing. Also, the drunk fans in the bleachers would boo and heckle him to no end, NOT ME THOUGH BECAUSE I NO LONGER HECKLE AT GAMES BECAUSE JESUS HAS SHOWN ME THE LIGHT. Instead we got "Franzia" Frandsen in left. Who? Whatever.

Obviously I picked the Sunset Blush.

Still, this was a ridiculously fun game. It was a huge pitchers duel for sure with barely any scoring, only home runs from Felipe Lopez of the Giants and backup catcher Koyie Hill of the Cubs until the Giants went ahead 2-1 after a Soriano error. But the Cubs fought back hard and in the 8th inning Aramis Ramirez hit a thrilling 2 run double right by us to put the Cubs ahead 3-2 for good. After this happened the Cubs fans in the bleachers started throwing cups on to the field for no apparent reason. We'll let ESPN, who televised the game, give their account of the cup throwing:

"After Ramirez's double off Randy Messenger cleared the bases, fans began throwing garbage over the outfield fences from several directions in a strange response to their team taking the lead. The grounds crew scurried out to clean up the mess."

HA! I have no idea why the hell that happened either. Anyway, awesome game, Cubs are RED HOT now.

Final Score Cubs 3 - Giants 2

Cubs record in 2007 when I am in attendance: 4-3

Starting Pitchers:
Cubs - Rich Hill (6-6, 3.70 ERA)
Giants - Tim Lincecum

Singer of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame": NASCAR Driver Juan Montoya. Hooray.

The Secret to Fixing the Old Style Bombers

2007-07-10T22:15:00.000-05:00

So after getting rocked our last softball game against the team that didn't technically have enough girls to have a real win but didn't have enough testicles either (slam!), I mentioned that I had the secret to turning our season around and winning some games. What is it that we did that last year but haven't done yet this year? What is it that we did that we were undefeated when we done did this donedone thing?

At-Bat Music, that's what. We were 1-0 with the at bat CD from last year. Last year my song was "Whorehoppin'" by the Eagles of Death Metal. It was perfect, they were my favorite current band at the time, had a new CD out, and the song had the approriate amount of hilarity and bad assery for me.

Jesse "the Devil" Hughes: Hall of Fame Bad Ass

So an at-bat song can be one of many things. It can strike fear into the opposing team, saying "holy shit this dude is fucked up". It can make the opposing team burst out laughing because it's such a ridiculous choice. It can be topical to the persons name or interests, for example Vince choosing "doctor doctor gimme the news I got a bad case of loving you" last year, or it can be the song that just plain fires YOU up to hit a ball as far as possible. One thing an at-bat song should not be is unoriginal. Choosing "This is Why I'm Hot" is about the most predictable choice on planet earth. It's so lame it's something ARod might do. Update: This is, in fact, ARod's entry music. You gotta hate the Yankees.

So I need the Havok Crue to help me in choosing an at-bat song. Here are some ideas in no particular order:
1. Celestial Crown by The Sword

Pros: While the video doesn't really do it justice, this song DEFINITELY fits the bad ass category. Everyone is gonna be like god damn the SOB means business. Also, they've been one of my absolute favorite current bands of the last 6 months so it's topical.
Cons: Shit is scary. It's dead serious, there's absolutely no humor in this song, and that might not totally be me.

2. I Wupped Batman's Ass by Wesley Willis

Pros: Not only does it talk about about kicking ass and beating up a super hero, it's also completely hilarious.
Cons: It kind of implies that I'm retarded or homeless or both.

3. No More I Love You's by Annie Lennox

Pros: Absolutely hilarious, especially given what I wear to softball games. You gotta laugh if I roll up to a song going "doobee doobee doop doop doop AHHAHH"
Cons: I might not be able to concentrate its so hilarious. Also, it's not even remotely bad ass at all.

4. Me So Horny by 2 Live Crew

Pros: Crass, inappropriate, incomprehensibly stupid, and original.
Cons: Crass, inappropriate, incomprehensibly stupid, and completely has nothing to do with softball

5. The Stroke by Billy Squier

Pros: Bad Ass oldie with the Billy Madison style to it. Also, you Stroke a baseball bat don't you? So it's kind of relevant.
Cons: Probably the least original choice so far. Also could be something AJ Pierzynski might choose and that's not a good thing.

So there you have it. Havok Crue, please provide suggestions, comments, feedback, anything!

Old Style Bombers Game 3

2007-07-10T21:41:00.000-05:00

SOOOOOOOOOOOOO it was hot as satan's danglin' meatballs on the field today, with the temp almost getting up to 100 degrees. As a result it was a tad too hot to get drunk during this game because I was already hungover and seriously dehydrated. I think this destroyed our efforts today, the lack of beer consumption. Also, our expert pitcher of doomsday gyro balls was in New York City. This meant that I had to take over pitching doody's.

Aaaaaaaand I got rocked. We lost 27-1. Apparently it's possible to lose 27-1. I led the team in runs scored though so that's a plus!

The other team was just flat out good today and we were just bad. Really bad. We need to work on some defense. I will say this though: If you are winning 17-1, SWING THE FUCKING BAT. What kind of soulless, gutless pussy are you if you take a walk with that lead. I'm talking to you douchebag in the Cardinals hat. Figures douchy mcdoucherson is the one taking a walk. Wearing a stupid Cardinals hat. Thinking about stinky Pujols. Guhhhhh don't take walks when you are winning by 16.

Anyway, luckily we have discovered the secret to improvement of our team since the liver talent is obviously there. This answer will come in a new post.

Cardinals Fans: Douchy

Old Style Bombers Games 1 and 2

2007-07-09T22:25:00.000-05:00

So similarly to the Cubbies update, I have decided to keep a running log of all of the softball games that we play with our team The Old Style Bombers®. Our team is pretty kick ass, none of us played competitive baseball or softball in high school, except maybe Vince, I can't remember. So we play every sunday. My natural position is center field, left center or right center. That's called versatility folks. I generally hit in the middle of the lineup, but I vow to improve this year. I want to lead our league in VORP or some other stat that only super nerds understand.

I would just like to say that if anyone heckles me in centerfield, that's just fine. I will find it hilarious. It will not bother me at all, in fact I might even feed off of it. And I'm not even getting paid to do this. So if you want to heckle me, I'm not a giant pussy, so that's ok.

So game 1 we kind of needed to get the rust out. The Old Style Bombers™ just needed to get the kinks out. In fact, I don't really even remember what happened in the first game, except that I did shitty at bat and we lost.

Game 2 is where the fun begins. We were a bit dishevelled in the game. Had some people barefoot, some in jeans, some in clubbing outfits, 1 in a dress; basically we looked like a fun baseball team should. Here were some quotes provided by our catcher, we'll call her Aron, that the other team said: "what is going on with this team, they're wearing jeans, they don't have shoes, they're drinking beer, but they're actually not that bad

they're really laidback we should come out to play like they do"

So we picked up the momentum a little bit and actually had a come from behind tie. Not too bad. Even my bat got a little hot.

MVP of the day: Aron and her .750 batting average while wearing a dress and flip flops. Truly this is a team Old Style Bombers¡ performance for the ages.

Record: 0-1-1

Operation Battle: The Challenge is finished

2007-07-09T21:04:00.000-05:00

So I'm a little late in posting the results of this magnanamous (possibly not a word) competition but the results are in. The winner of the Operation Challenge is Justin. Yes, my boy Vince was excellent, but in the end he just didn't have enough to topple the boardgame beast known as Justin. It was a heated battle resulting in a tie after the first round but Justin prevailed in the tiebreaker. Shaky hands Andy and "I don't have the balls to participate" Jon did not win.

Vince was my guy, I'm still not convinced there wasn't some foul play going on. I hate to mention the Barry Bonds word, but here's a picture we took of the guys before the Operation Challenge went down. Andy is on the left, Vince in the middle, and Justin to the right:

I mean, we didn't test for illegal substances but you kind of have to wonder...

PS beer was definitely not a banned substance and played a major role in this competition

Heaven Isn't Too Far Away...

2007-06-26T16:16:00.000-05:00

The Operation Battle Happens tonight!

2007-06-23T18:28:00.000-05:00

Quick update, Operation has been purchased and the doctors are having a party tonight, OPERATION CHALLENGE COMMENCE!

As if!

2007-06-18T22:15:00.000-05:00

Guys are pretty sketchy by nature. I frequently get stories from my friends that are ladies about just random creepy things that guys say to them. Now I may be abnormal and insane but I think I have a general awareness of sketchiness. Which leads me to one of the topics that is a fountain of male sketchiness: Jail Bait

Guys always wonder what age a girl has to be in order to date her. Well thanks to extensive research (aka 1 source), I have discovered the answer to this question. Now, I am not a pervert, I have no desire to date young girls, I happen to like girls my age as noted in an earlier post, I just happened to stumble on the answer to this question, and feel as if I should share with my male readers.

Now another thing is, I don't need any approval from any of my female readers because there is 100% approval of the source, which is of course:

The movie Clueless.

Yes, I was watching the movie Clueless the other day, whatever, it's a great document of mid 90's culture. I will say that absolutely every female on all of planet earth likes this movie. Therefore, I'd say it's a great source for dating rules. Girls are always saying I can learn from "Sex and the City" starring that chick with the face that looks like a foot, so why not Clueless?

Sarah Jessica Parker image on file with IMDB.com

Yeah so I'm watching the movie, and the following line pops out at me via Cher, played by Alicia Silverstone: "You turn 16 in May? Well I do in April so as your elder let me give you some advice..."

OK so she's 15 years old in the movie, nothing wrong with that. But here's the thing, in the movie she falls for her step brother, Josh, played by Paul Rudd, and they of course get together by the end of the movie. However, Josh is working for his step father, as a young lawyer in training. Now here's where it gets fishy, Josh is in college. It's hard to tell what year though. If I interpret it correctly, he's in law school and therefore either 22, 23 or 24 years old. He has to be 20 at the youngest. Regardless, by the end of the movie, he is dating a 15 year old.

So there you have it gentlemen. According to a female approved source, the youngest girl you are allowed to date is a 15 year old.

Hey, consider yourselves lucky, for a 22, 23 or 24 year old, I would have said anything younger than 19 is creepy, but I have been outruled by the female population.

Cubs vs Mariners June 13, 2007

2007-06-18T21:51:00.000-05:00

This was the only game of the year that we didn't have bleacher seats and had normal seats and boy it was a beautiful night. Since this game was already almost a week ago I won't say much. But I will say this: the infamous DTD was back in town and joined us for the game. Here's a picture of what he looks like these days:

Anyway, it was a royally fun game, lots of action and Sean Marshall pitched well. When I was in the bathroom I overheard the following quote on the bathroom radio from Ernie Banks: If the Cubs win I'm gonna buy everyone in the stadium Cubcakes.

Well I'm still waiting Ernie.

Also, we got to see Ichiro play. I really wish Ichiro were American and not Japanese, because this guy is literally the Hibachi! of baseball. Favorite Ichiro quotes:

On breaking out of a hitting slump: "Yesterday, I ate two ice creams," he said through an interpreter. "Usually I only eat one."

On fans at Wrigley: "Before the game started, the fans were nice and polite, and that was nice," Ichiro said. "But after the game started and they started drinking beer, lots of beer, their personality changed. And that was fun for me to see."

and the best one

On the city of Cleveland: "To tell the truth, I'm not excited to go to Cleveland, but we have to," Ichiro said through an interpreter. "If I ever saw myself saying I'm excited going to Cleveland, I'd punch myself in the face, because I'm lying."

Final Score: Cubs 3 - Mariners 2

Cubs record in 2007 when I am in attendance: 3-3

Starting Pitchers:
Cubs - Sean Marshall (he's the new Glendon Rusch, we always see him. Except he gets wins on rare occasions rather than never.)
Mariners - Jorge Batista

Singer of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" - Ernie Banks

I Still Know...

2007-06-10T21:20:00.000-05:00

...that I Still Know What You Did Last Summer is the worst movie ever made. Sure I've probably said this about 43 movies or so, but now I am talking about this shitty movie. If you haven't seen it (don't), the basic plot rundown is this: The killer from the first movie decides to attempt to kill Jennifer Love Hewitt's cleavage and her cleavages friends by setting it up so that they win a vacation to the bahamas on a remote island where the killer, Ben Willis used to live. Also, the killers son, who's name I already forgot so we'll call him Douchy McGee, is part of this because he takes the time to go to JLH's college, befriend JLH and hit on her enough to get invited on the vacation, and then act completely normal until the very end of the movie where he tries to help his dad kill her.

Um...no.

You know how you kill someone? You choke a bitch, that's how.

Or you stab them. Or shoot them. You don't spend an assload of money to send them on a free vacation where you then toy around and do a shitty job of not choking a bitch.

And how did they win this vacation? By answering this question: What is the capital of Brazil? They said Rio de Janeiro. No, you fucktards, it's Brasilia. You didn't tell one person this story before you left? If my friends won this vacation and told me, I'd say, no it's Brasilia, some motherfucker is gonna try to stab you with a hook. Google that shit. And I know that the internet was still in it's infancy when this movie was made, but I'm pretty sure back in the old days they had globes and encyclopedias and people that aren't dumber than Dan Brown.

Also, what was the conversation that the killer had with his son. "Hey you should get good grades and go to the same college as JLH and then befriend her and hit on her so we can plan a free vacation for her where you get invited and then we finally kill her on the anniversary of when she hit me with a car." "Um...alright. I mean I could just shoot her, but that sounds cool."

And what's the point of killing the random people that work at the hotel? Seriously, what did they do to deserve it? It's not like they hit him with the car. Whatever, I guess all the people that worked there were pretty mean anyway.

And using Jack Black as a stoner with dreadlocks that gets killed early on? Bad use. Motherfucker needs to teach kids how to rock or fight King Kong or some shit.

And what happened to Brandy?

...that you weren't that great of a singer

I'm fully convinced that the only reason this movie was made was to show off Jennifer Love Hewitt's cleavage.

Guhhhh. I hated this movie. And people should know the capital of Brazil.

Cubs vs Brewers June 6, 2007

2007-06-10T21:08:00.000-05:00

So after free taco day at Taco Bell on tuesday June 5, the Bell took me to a baseball game at Miller Park on wednesday. The Bell provided a tailgate with free food and booze 2 hours before the game. So what did my non-moustachioed coworkers and I decide was the best thing to do?

Tailgate before the tailgate.

So I had about 1000 Miller Lites or so before the game. Who do I end up sitting next to? The head principal at, um, Taco Bell. And his wife and daughter. Luckily, thanks to a double and home run by my new favorite player, Felix Pie, the Cubs won and all my coworkers from Milwaukee celebrated the Cubs beating their team by throwing sunflower seeds and popcorn at me.

Final Score: Cubs 6 - Brewers 2

Cubs record when I am in attendance in 2007: 2-3

Starting Pitchers:
Cubs - Carlos Zambrano (first time ever seeing him, and fresh off of fighting Michael Barrett in the clubhouse)
Brewers - Jeff Suppan

Singer of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" - the crowd (celebreties don't give a shit about the Brewers)

The Top Twelve Porn/Sex Act Names that come from GI Joe Action Figures

2007-06-04T22:54:00.000-05:00

WARNING: This post contains mature content. It is not intended for anyone under the age of 18 years and is not intended for anyone over the age of 15 in maturity.

Alright, so you kinda hafta be a huge pervert to enjoy this post because it gets really gross really fast and you have to be creatively pervertive. Also, I'm a huge GI Joe fan. Well not am, but was when I was a kid. I had a ton of GI Joes. My brother and I used to build castles and wage huge wars and shit, which may explain a few things. But, here it is from my dirty dirty dirty dirty mind. The top 12 Porn/Sex Act names that come from GI Joe Action figures.

12. Bazooka
OK so we'll start with a tame one. Bazooka would be a great name for a male porn star. Can't you just see Peter "Bazooka" North or Dustin "Bazooka" Diamond?

11. Slipstream
I really can't decide what this word means but it's definitely supremely gross. It's basically the same thing as naming a GI Joe figure "Errant Semen" or "Accidental Golden Shower"

10. Gung-Ho
Gung-Ho is definitely the name of an Asian prostitute, there's no doubt about it I'm pretty sure you can find this chicks name in the credits of Full Metal Jacket as "Me Sucky Long Time Girl" played by Gung-Ho. Who the hell knows how GI Joe pulled a marine name out of this shit.

9. Steam Roller
Back we go to Dustin "Steam Roller" Diamond.

8. Crazylegs
Honesty: If I were to ever enter a strip club and the first stripper that came up to me said her name was "Crazylegs" I would definitely buy a dance. Unlike the last time I was in a strip club where the girl said her name was January. We were there in January. My friends are pretty sure she just changes her name seasonally.

7. Cesspool
Initially I thought this would be a hilarious name to include in the list, but everything that runs through my mind is unfit for print. Let's just say you don't wanna meet a girl named Cesspool.

6. Snow Job
It's like the thing it rhymes with but in winter! And cold! And snowflakey!

5. Big Boa
I think this one is pretty self explanatory.

4. Fast Blast
Lieutenant Fast Blast says that Captain Pre-Ejaculation is not a good commander.

3. Deep Six
I fully promote a male pornstar with this name. This will finally stop giving women that watch porn unrealistic expectations. It's not Deep 10 honey and it ain't ever gonna be.

2. Backblast
Just...wow... I guess his nemesis is the guy that ruins his fun, "Houdini"?

1. Beachhead
This is so blatantly obvious they should name a cocktail after it.

Cock Rock: Extreme

2007-06-02T16:01:00.000-05:00

I am totally excited for the new guitar hero coming out next month. Ridiculously excited. As in I need "More than words to show how I feel" about it. At first I was gonna write a post about what songs should be included in this most righteous of guitar heros, but then because of this whole free taco day on tuesday June 5, I've been working 15 hr days with no time to blog. As a result they already released over half the songs. But here's the thing, a bunch of my choices were included, even some of the ones I never thought would happen. That's what brings me to Extreme. Extreme was a total Van Halen rip off that really only had 1 CD's worth of good songs, (which I own of course), but man Nuno Bettancourt can SHRED THE AXE. The best Extreme song of all time is also one of the best songs of all time. No it's not the ballad "More Than Words" (awesome wedding song compromise if your wife doesn't want to dance to "I Want Action" by Poison). I'm speaking of course about "Play With Me" a song that everyone knows.

Some of you are probably thinking, "But Havok, I don't know that song at all, what are you talking about? Did Dave cover it or something? Does it have a catchy beat or something?"

False. My pledge son, Dave has not covered it and I don't think you can encompass all music written in 4/4 time as catchy, but you DO know this song. How?

That's right, it's the most excellent and triumphant song in the background of the mall scene in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. If you haven't seen Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure I'm honestly not sure why you read this blog. This automatically qualifies it as on of the most righteous riffs of all time. And that solo, man that solo is awesome. Holy triumphant rock and roll that solo is awesome.

I can't WAIT to play that solo in guitar hero. Excellent! neenernerneenernerneeeeee!

The solo one more time:

Update: Holy shit! Look at this! AHHHHHHHHHHH! They have a demo of someone playing this song! AHHHHHHHH!

Cubs vs. Marlins - May 28th, 2007

2007-05-28T22:46:00.000-05:00

Well by some miracle of God, I wasn't called into work today and was able to drive back to Chicago for one day to see the Cubs play the Marlins. We got to see the Cubs enlist a shithouse offensive effort against the Marlins D-squad of pitching. No worries though, it was a beautiful day! Byung Hun Kim pitched for the Marlins and it's always fun to see a crazy 5 foot 1 inch sidearmed pitcher even if he destroys your team despite incredibly sucking at baseball. Cubs waged a minor 9th inning rally that fell short and lost the game 5-3. Boo. Sean Marshall, who looks slightly mentally challenged, pitched well but everyone decided not to get any hits until the 9th.

Josh Willingham was in left field for the Marlins, but WE DIDN'T HECKLE HIM AT ALL AND NO ONE ELSE DID IN THE ENTIRE OUTFIELD because I am a reformed born-again who doesn't heckle anymore thanks to Anonymous commenter and Paul the commenter aka Jesus and Paul the Apostle.

Two young ladies sat next to us during the game and wanted a ball real badly and apparently wanted to talk to me real badly as she kept complaining that I was too quiet. One was rail thin and my friend, I'll change his name to protect him and call him "Jeff", said to me, "Do you think that girl eats at all? I feel like we should buy her a hot dog or something." The jokes continued from there. Here's a picture of her:

That's even her actual hairstyle too.

Final Score: Marlins 5 - Cubs 3

Cubs record in 2007 when I am in attendance: 1-3

Pitchers:
Marlins - Byung Hun Kim
Cubs - Sean Marshall

Singer of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame"- Andre Dawson

Yet Another Person Sees My Desperate Cries for Help, Stache Wages an Intervention

2007-05-27T16:31:00.000-05:00

It's no secret that I've been working some insane hours recently and it's left me winded and stressed out. I haven't been to a bar in a while, I haven't chilled back with some beer, and I'm here holidays eating shitty food and complaining about how much I hate the stache. So last night I get home from working another 14 hour day at about 10 pm (yes on a holiday weekend saturday). There's absolutely nothing to drink in my apartment except for a bottle of Yellow Tail.

I'm tired, the Indians aren't answering their phones so there's no one to hang out with, so damnit I want a glass of wine. So I'm opening up the bottle when the corkscrew snaps and is stuck in the cork.

Damnit.

Well, fuck, I really want a glass of wine and there's nothing else to drink and I'm about to spend 3 hours playing Wii with the stache, I need this. So I jab a BBQ fork into the bottle. Eventually, after some work, THAT broke. OK NOW I was starting to get pissed off. I was swearing at the bottle and swearing at the fork and yelling things like, "Jesus tap-dancing Christ I fucking just want a glass of wine." Then I started stabbing the cork with a pair of scissors to no avail. Finally, I just used the scissors to push down the cork into the wine, displacing some of the wine and spraying it everywhere in our kitchen. This of course made me giggle like a kid in a candy store.

At this point, Stache comes over and says, "Ken I think you have a problem. You really should go to some AA meetings. These are the signs of an alcoholic."

Um...excuse me? Trying to open a fucking bottle of wine is the sign of an alcoholic? What? I JUST WANTED A DAMN GLASS OF WINE!

I thought about what he said for a second and I burst out laughing and drank the entire bottle.

Point/Counterpoint

2007-05-26T12:08:00.000-05:00

VERY quick post as it is saturday and I am in work (Taco Bell has the ebays obviously).

I've been avoiding the stache as much as possible. You all probably think I'm a dick for hating him so much, but seriously I'm this close to exploding. I have a family history of high blood pressure and alcoholism and this is the last thing I need. The jury is in, my coworkers can't stand him even remotely either.

However, a different school of thought has arisen from my coworkers on how to deal with him. In a recent Bill Simmons article, Bill brings up this quote:

In "Crimes and Misdemeanors," Alan Alda's character defines comedy as equaling
"tragedy plus time."

My coworker Tim has similar thoughts. He is saying that I should spend as much time as possible with the stache now, because despite how much it sucks, the stories that will come from it and the bonding I'll experience with other coworkers as a result of mutual hatred of him, far surpasses the current negatives. Interesting point. I will dwell on it.

Finally I have found the Perfect Accompanyment to Meatcake

2007-05-24T22:45:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago my roomate cooked me a meatcake for my birthday (pictured below).

It's meatloaf for cake, mashed potatoes as frosting, and ketchup/worchester inside frosting and topping. It's really a work of culinary genius. It was delicious too.

However, it was truly a struggle to figure out what to drink. Liquor? No. Milk? Only from a boob. Juice? Hell no. Beer? Close but no cigar.

Luckily Jones soad has heard the call.

Do you see this? Can you read those miraculous soda flavors? Let's zoom in:

That's right, TURKEY AND GRAVY FLAVORED SODA. Awesome, now I can drink meat while eating meatcake. Truly this is the greatest soda breakthrough since Crystal Pepsi. Shit, you can eat a whole meal with that pack. Turkey & Gravy, Pea, Dinner Roll, Sweet Potatoes, Corn, Broccoli and Salmon flavored sodas exist. Everyone wants fish flavored soda. And if your gigantic meal gives you indigestion, here's your solution:

What the Hell Happened to Me?

2007-05-24T22:18:00.000-05:00

Sometimes you're still in work at 10:20 pm and you begin to "wonder what the hell happened to me?" I never used to care about this shit, why am I still here? Hope is lost. Then something magical happens. Someone else thinks "What the Hell Happened to Me?" and pure genius results.

Yesssssssss. Someone started playing this CD in work. Let me repeat this, someone started playing this cd in work. That is freaking awesome. You're just sitting there figuring out some companies risk score and you hear, "I made some jelly sandwiches and sliced up some cantelope.
I figured you could eat a little food and and then maybe play with yer cock and balls fer a while." Awesome. How the principals in my office (at taco bell) let this slide is completely beyond me. I bought this CD in 7th grade. My brother once borrowed it for a party he had with his friends. I think it was his 17th birthday party which would have made me 13. My parents heard it and asked who brought it. Being loyal, my brother ratted me out and I got grounded for a week. Damnit.

It's possible that Adam Sandler is the greatest actor of our generation. Let's take a look at the bonafide classics that he was in:

First there's his most underrated effort Mr. Deeds. Sure the plot sucks but the New England jokes, McEnroe cameo, and Crazy Eyes lines make it hilarious.

Second, there's Billy Madison. The best scene in this movie is when he returns to high school and pulls up in his pontiac firebird wearing his jean jacket and his REO Speedwagon shirt. YES BAD ASS I want that shirt so bad. He would be my best friend in high school.

That's two thus far.

This brings to the single greatest movie of all time. Happy Gilmore. This movie is the best. Just stay out of my way or you'll pay, listen to what I say. ey, why don't I just go and eat some hay. I can lay by the bay, make things out of clay, I just may, what'd ya say?

One day I'll write a very long amazing post about this picture...

Mr. Havok, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

A List of Things I Don't Understand

2007-05-23T21:05:00.000-05:00

Throw Pillows Are Dumb
Why Can't I Sit On My Couch
Fluffy Thing in Way

British accents lame
Can't Understand you jack-ass
Sound Like pudding

Testicles are weird
Different Temperature
Than rest of body

Babies cry a lot
Poop wherever they want to
Kind of awesome life

Dumplings fit lots of
Stuff into dough but take
forever to make

Dogs lick their genitals
Yet their owners still kiss them
On the lips with tongue

I can't figure out
The number of syllables
In the word wires

How did powdered wigs
Ever be major fashion
statement same with Uggs

Why does the mustache
talk politics all the time
without making sense

How does curly hair
always stay curly when you
think bout gravity

Who invented bread
add yeast to flour and shit
seems weird idea

Math Nerd Jokes are the Best

2007-05-21T20:23:00.000-05:00

Sorry, but there's gonna be real light posting for the next 3 weeks (again) as the real world continues to rear it's ugly head. I'll try to spend 10 min a night or so writing so I can at least get 3 or 4 posts in during the next week. Especially since my mustachioed roomate up here in Milwaukee on my Taco Bell business trip bought a Nintendo Wii today. Like this fun little tidbit:

Mustache: "I only have one controller though. Maybe you could buy another one!"
Havok: "What the hell am I supposed to do with it after we're done here?"
Mustache: "........"

And while creating his "Mii" character I lost it when he shouted "WHERE'S THE MUSTACHE?"

OK time to play Wii. I leave you with this awesome joke:

What do you call a prostitute for an actuary?

A Risk Score.

No one will get this joke but it killed at work today (at Taco Bell obviously).

Update: Wii is awesome.

Second Update: As an act of kindness for buying Wii (and being uncoordinated as hell playing it) I have decided to watch Anime with the roomate. I hate it. But he bought Wii, I will be kind. We are watching this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Death_Note

Rejoice! Havok is done with his test!

2007-05-17T16:57:00.000-05:00

THERE IS A MOUNTAIN OF SNOW, up past the big glen
we have a castle enclosed, there is a fountain
out of the fountain flows gold, into a huge hand
that hand is held by a bear who had a sick band!

of ghosts and cats
and pigs and bats
with brooms and bats
and wigs and rats
and play big dogs like queens and kings
and everyone plays drums and sings

about BIG SHARKS,
SHARP SWORDS,
BEAST BEES,
BEAD LORDS
SWEET CAKES
MACE LAKES

O MA MA MA MA MA MA MA MA

News Brief: Havok Garners Respect for 2 Middle Aged Women

2007-05-13T11:46:00.000-05:00

Short post, and last post for a while because the real world calls. I've got a 7 layer crunch burrito making exam coming up so that's why.

Anyway, I actually gained some respect for 2 specific middle aged women. First, my momma cause it's mother's day and you gotta respect where you came from. I just realized that I was conceived about the same time that Motley Crue's Shout at the Devil came out. This is definitely not a coincidence.

Second, I was in the elevator the other night going to broomball. Of course I was wearing the zubaz, poison shirt and axl rose headgear, because how else are you supposed to go to athletic events? So this middle aged woman was going down to the laundry room and says to me, "Oh good you're wearing a jacket, it's cold out there!"

My First reaction that I didn't actually say was, "Guhhhhhh of course a middle aged woman would comment about my jacket. Either that or an old person would, but they're excused." But instead I said, "Yeah it's because I'm going to play broomball, which is also why I'm wearing these pants."

Her reply, "Oh I wasn't going to say anything about those, my husband wears those all the time!"

Touche lady. Touche. I kind of have respect for you now. Any woman that thinks Zubaz are normal attire gets an A+ in my book.

Once was lost, but now am found, was blind, but now i see

2007-05-09T19:37:00.000-05:00

So I've been thinking a lot about these two new commenters. Who are they? Where did they come from? No one could have possibly linked to my blog, I'm far too untalented, bizarre, and esoteric for that. Could it be John Mayer trying to play mind games with me? Naw, Mayer wouldn't respond with such hostility, he'd go write a mediocre emotionless song about it. Could it be disgruntled Cirque du Soleil employees? Naw, the language is a bit harsh for that. Could it be middle aged women? Quite possibly, but one guy says his name is Paul. So what does that leave? God help me! Wait...that's it...oh my goodness...

JESUS CHRIST HIMSELF IS COMMENTING ON MY BLOG!

Jesus has a puppy too!

Yes, the only logical conclusion is that Jesus Himself is sending me messages in the comment section of this blog as the person who calls himself, "anonymous". Ha, that Jesus, so humble that he won't even post his name. Well I have figured it out Lord! You are my shepherd! This means that the person who calls himself, "paul" is in fact, St. Paul the Apostle.

Does it matter that anonymous dropped the f bomb and called me a douche bag? NO
Does it matter that He insulted my profession in the food service industry? NO
Does it matter that He referred to me with a bigoted term for homosexual? NO
Does it matter that he heckles me in telling me that you shouldn't heckle people creating hypocritical circular logic? NO
Does it matter that comparing a food service industry profession with meager wages and benefits to playing a game for a living causing no basis for comparison other the fact that they're both jobs? NO
Does it matter that Paul insults my salary without knowing my actual wages at Taco Bell? NO****
Does it matter that the only heckling I actually say that I did was in German, a language the players don't speak? NO
Does it matter that it would actually add some spice to my day of making chalupas in Taco Bell if someone burst in and started heckling me in German? NO
Does it matter that He thinks that everyone needs to have strong arms rather than the little pussy ass arms I have? NO
Does it matter that they respond to other peoples comments as if I said them when clearly I wasn't involved because I actually have a blog where I can post things? NO

What matters is that He is risen, and has brought Paul with him! I am your servant Lord. I was wrong to heckle those ball players! You are right! Guide my lost soul! Teach me some gnarly curls so I can have huge ripped arms like you Jesus! Tell me why I shouldn't be wearing a tampon during baseball games! Tell me how not to be a douchebag and be awesome like you! I am your humble servant! I promise I will never heckle again. Thank you for putting me in my place Jesus, you of all people know that marginalizing someone with swears and bigoted slurs is the way to change them for the positive. Thank you.

Everybody praise Jesus with me, for I once was lost, but now am found, was blind, but now I see...

****I have changed my mind about this one. It actually does matter that he insulted my salary because Paul says, "And Ill bet my life you're never going to see as much money as those guys make in a month!" Well the guy I claim to have heckled with German insults is Ryan Langerhans. I looked him up on espn.com and he has a 2007 salary of $410,000. This of course makes his monthly salary $34,167. I work 42 hours a week at Taco Bell making chalupas and I make $8.50 an hour. I work 49 weeks a year because I get 3 weeks vacation. This means I make $17,493 a year. Ignoring taxes, even though he is in a higher bracket, and going off of the safe assumption that I live in my mother's basement and eat her food and Taco Bell all the time, this means that I would, in fact, see as much money as he makes in a month in less than two years as 17,493 x 2 = 34,986 > 34,167. Paul officially loses this bet and must lose his life or give it over to me. He's obviously going to choose giving it over to me because killing himself would send him to Hell where he couldn't be BFF with Jesus anymore.

The Apocolypse of Havok...

2007-05-08T22:31:00.000-05:00

Here I was going through my life as a Taco Bell employee and resident Douchebag of Chicago. Life was pretty boring for me, all I would do is make Chalupas and generally act like a jerk to everyone I ever met. Sometimes I would eat nothing but Hot Sauce packets for dinner. When I went places I would just tell people that I was dating Jessica Alba, but she was busy working on a movie so they couldn't meet her, then I would go and act like a douchebag some more and make more chalupas.

Then I thought to myself, how can I change my life? I know! I will start a blog that my fellow Taco Bell employees and 15 imaginary friends will read! It will be called Zubaz and Cock Rock and it will show off just how much of a Douchebag I can be.

So off I went, and I would indeed blog, and all my fellow douchebags and Taco Bell employees would read it and laugh and act like douchebags. Then one day, it happened.

People that weren't imaginary and weren't douchebags started reading the blog.

Yes, on this day 3 people I am sure I don't know, have commented on a post I wrote. Actually, it looks like one guy commented twice, so two people did. Here are their thoughts about the post about saturday's Cubs game:

Anonymous said...: Wow.. youre a fucking douche bag. Those guys actually have a JOB! and are at WORK! Do they come to burger king and tell you how to flip patties? Maybe I should tell them to.. Its pretty awesome how you get off on "heckling" people while theyre at work. Nice life. Keep up the good work. F*****.

Paul said...: I agree, you all need to get a life. You take the heckling a little too far. I hope you know the players all think you're a bunch of loser idiots. While youre sitting getting drunk and yelling at them, theyre all laughing thinking "whatever dude, keep it up, youre paying my salary" And Ill bet my life you're never going to see as much money as those guys make in a month! And I bet you're the same guy who would want a signed ball.
Anonymous said...: yeah.... then to go on a website and brag about what a dick you were? Very cool. Something to be proud of. See you at burger king

Frankly, I'm shocked and flattered that people took the time to read this and even dissect my writing style so well!

Perhaps it is time to end this blog? I never thought that people would read this blog and think that I work at Burger King. It is Taco Bell you insensitive neanderthals. I am going to cry myself to sleep now.

Unless, if these people are Cirque du Soleil employees. Then I will continue.

(Seriously, where did you people come from? I'd honestly like to know. I'm not going to post hate messages anywhere or anything, I'm just curious as to how my readership got a 20% readership increase from 10 people to 12 when I haven't even posted pictures of my girlfriend, Jessica Alba, yet because she's busy working on a movie.)

My Top 5 Musical Crushes

2007-05-07T21:36:00.000-05:00

This post could easily done by anyone, and it changes practically every month, but here are the 5 women musical artists that I am currently in love with whether it be because of their talent, looks, conviction, message, voice, trustworthiness of hips, etc.

5. Catpower aka Chan Marshall

Of course my list must include at least one woman who is tragically fucked up. Chan perfectly fits that. The woman is a straight up alcoholic, or at least was. She used to have to go on stage drunk because of immense stage fright. But because of this, she shows pure beautiful emotion in her singing and that's hot.

4. Marina Ribatski

Well first of all she's wearing a Guns 'n' Roses shirt in this photo so already she's hot. Second of all, she's Brazilian which gives her auto hotness factor. Third, she sings for a group called Bonde do Role, who is about to become my favorite party band of the year when their new album "With Lasers" comes out in June. Obviously, I already own it anyway*, and seriously, play it with bad ass subwoofers and you'll love her too.

3. Shakira

Shakira will always be on my list. No explanation will ever be needed.

2. Lily Allen

Saw her live and my friends and I were fighting for her affection. Style, confidence, bravado, a cute voice, and a ton of fun. I want to have a barbeque with her and go out drinking with her, these are the signs of a perfect woman.

1. M.I.A. aka Maya Arulpragasm

The daughter of the leader of the Tamil Tigers, a Sri Lankan revolutionary group, her lyrics are all intelligent and political, her music all completely a blast of fun and insanely original, she's absolutely gorgeous, and seriously, just look at that outfit. I'm in love.

She get's 2:

*Note: Bragging that you know about an up and coming musical artist before anyone else is the sure fire mark of a Hipster Douche

Chicago Cubs vs. Montreal Expos Saturday May 5th, 2007

2007-05-07T21:02:00.000-05:00

Well this was a fun as hell game. Finally the Cubs win while I'm there! We had bleacher seats again and propped ourselves directly in left field right behind Alfonso Soriano. Observation of the day: Soriano loves interacting with the crowd. He's all smiles in between positive plays and turns around to inform the crowd of how many outs there are. In fact, he turns around a lot to scour the crowd. Hmmm... I wonder what he could be looking for...

Theory: Alfonso Soriano needs a girlfriend.

Let's face it, Wrigley Field always has a lot of eye candy, male and female. Soriano is totally looking for a girlfriend. As soon as I find a girlfriend first I am TOTALLY going to set him up with one of her friends. Either that or I'm going to set him up with my roomate's sister. Either one is fine with me.

OK so on to my favorite part of Bleacher games, THE HECKLING. Yes, Kory Casto was playing left field for the Nationals/Expos or whatever they are. They're still the Expos to me, I still have no fucking idea what a National is, unlike the Expos. Anyway, Casto ALSO interacted with the crowd, which seems like a terrible idea. There's a patch of grass that's mis-colored and fans were yelling at him that it was a trap door. Dude goes and sticks his toe in it to taunt everyone. He also went 0-4 for the day and got replaced by LANGERHANS. I don't give a crap what his first name is, I was prepared to lay on the German insults. Other people went other directions...with the most inappropriate insult I've ever heard: "Langerhans, you couldn't hit your wife if you were drunk." Hoo boy, that's just unreal.

Langerhans had some sort of circular object in his back pants. After careful observation, we decided that it was- Bubbletape! Sauerkraut Bubbletape because he's a stupid German.

Other comments:
Two of my friends made their TV debut when the WGN cameramen zoomed in on them in between innings. I KNOW TV STARS!!!!!!!!

A family sat in front us. My friend and I won autographed baseballs and we gave them to the children. The dad bought us free beers. Score. The kids got bored and started asking me about the German I was yelling and I taught them how to say "Langerhans eats shit from the ass." It was about then that the Mom (middle aged female of course) put her kids on the other side of her and away from us. Typical. And after I told the kids not to take German because it was useless and to take Spanish (because Latinas are hot!) Such good advice.

Final Score: Cubs 5 - Nationals 3. Cubs win!

Cubs 2007 record when I'm in attendance: 1-2

Pitchers-
Cubs - Rich Hill
Nationals - John Patterson

Singer of Take Me Out to the Ballgame: George Will (who?)

How to Punk Ashton Kutcher

2007-05-03T20:28:00.000-05:00

I don't watch much reality TV, but there's one show I watch and it's Beauty and the Geek, produced by Ashton Kutcher. Most of you reading probably understand the premise, but basically they pair one beautiful, yet not so academically inclined woman, with a smart, but socially inept man. The pair has to compete in challenges every week, the women's challenges are usually centered around something smart or guy like, and the guy's challenges are about pop culture or social skills. Winners of the challenges get to choose two teams to the quiz elimination room, and you get the picture. Final team gets $250,000 as prize money.

Now this show fascinates me for a number of reasons. First, it plays to stereotypes, is sexist, and is incredibly hilarious because of how awkward the guys are. Now I got to thinking the other day. How easy would it be to win this show as am intelligent, yet not socially retarded guy? I need to fake my way on to this show.

Now at this point I'm already a leg up on the rest of the guys for getting the $250,000. I've got the pop culture shit down, I know pop music, I have a basic understanding of celebrity culture, and I even know a few designers here and there (Marc Jacobs is my boy). Of course, other teams might realize my relative strength right away, but if that happens and I'm bullied (by nerds!) I can just go into, "Oh my gosh look at his beautiful metamorphasis into a social guy" phase immediately and hook up with the slutty beauty (or beauties).

OK, now on to how I'm going to pull this off. You're probably thinking to yourself, "LOLZ Havok you are so bad ass you could never be a NERRRRRD I would totally give you a wedgie." Well like Clark Kent to Superman, Normal Ken has some nerdy tendencies when he's not his normal Havok self. SO, off we go!

1. Fashion

So the key to this process is going full on nerdy without going so over the top that it's obvious I'm a con-man in every step. So with fashion you gotta go with something you see people wearing that might make you say, "you can't wear that" to your friend or boyfriend, but won't make you say, YEAH RIGHT JACK ASS (snakeskin belts and cowboy outfits anyone?). The answer: Jorts, high white socks, white sneakers, and a tucked in short sleeve collared shirt.

Ok this is a trial run, so i'm open to suggestions in the comments section, but here's the logic (nerd word!):

The jorts say "I'm either completely clueless or a hick", the tucked in short sleeve shirt says, "no, I'm definitely clueless" and the high white socks in the VELCRO white sneakers say, "oh jeezum crow what a nerd".

2. Appearance

I need to grow a mustache. A freaking 24 yr old in a mustache screams nerd. No hair gel, in fact no showering in the mornings so that my hair looks stupid as hell. Glasses would help, a nice little Dwight Shrute pair would rock.

3. Interests and Hobbies

OK, the closer to reality for alter ego normal Ken these are, the easier they'll be able to pull off. It's probably a bad idea to admit these, but the 15 people that read this blog know this shit already anyway. First, I have a fascination with Spongebob Squarepants. I have a clock, DVD's, video games, etc. Spongebob is hilarious and not appropriate for someone my age. Instant nerdiness there. Second, for actual work, and from college, I have three calculators, including my awesome actuarial financial calculator. I need to carry this around at all times and randomly calculate shit. Beauty says, "I really like diamonds teehee" and I can bust out the calculator and say, "mmmmmmmmmeeeeeeehhhhhhh the average karat of a diamond is 12.3 which works out to a gross price of $528 per diamond with transportation expenses running $42 per diamond and with a profit margin of 10.8% with an interest of 4% compounded continuously the diamond will be worth $896 in ten years mehhhh".

Speaking of continuous interest, I'm AN ACTUARY by trade, I'm already a nerd. This can work easily, since I'm tits at math and people that are tits at math are giant nerds. I know shit about science too and the periodic table. Also, I used to be in marching band in college for 2 years, if you don't think that's nerdy than holy fuck take up the clarinet for a couple years and you will understand. (Editors Note: Havok played trumpet, not a pussy instrument like clarinet)

4. Mannerisms

This is the hardest one. It's very difficult to figure out mannerisms and stick to them without seeming just plain creepy as opposed to nerdy. After all, these geeks in the show always come across as completely genuine. So here's my plan: start writing down absolutely everything that my roomate in Milwaukee says and does and mimic this in the future. He is the perfect candidate for this show, whether he would admit it or not. Examples:
"In my free time I like to go to Barnes and Noble and read." or after someone says the printer is out of paper, "Well sometimes the printer can be sad too!" or "Well, I don't care about cars or what they look like, if you have a space cruiser, then I'll discuss it's engine" or "I love anime". In addition to this, I think that laughing at innapropriate times and making nerd jokes might help and I have to get really nervous around girls. Like if a beauty says, "What kind of shoes should I wear?" just start laughing for no reason thinking it's a joke or say, "I bet those stillettos have a 1.3 mm diameter. Dia-meter, I hardly know her!" WAIT DAMNIT a nerd wouldn't know what a stilletto is. Already I'm fucking up.

5. An Identifier

Every geek has an identifier. If you watch the show and I say about season 3, the trekkie, the fat comic book guy, or the Star Wars band guy you KNOW who I'm talking about. I need something like this. Brainstorming: I could be "Needs bongos when anxious" guy. I could carry bongos around and everytime I talk to a girl I could get nervous and start playing a beat while chanting "oompa loompa oompa loompa" and the when I can't handle it anymore play the bongo really fast and yell "BOOM" and stop. EVERYONE would know who I was if I did this. Or how about "knows every single 80's hair metal band guy". Wait, already got that one covered.

I'm coming Ashton, watch out for my shenanigans. Failing that, there are other prizes...

Ogresmash: Stryper and Cock Rock: Drive Like Jehu

2007-05-01T21:43:00.000-05:00

What do you think to yourself when you see this picture? I bet you think something like, "Oh man, that is classic 80's Hair Metal." Or, "Man what a sweet looking cock rock band." Or, "Hardy har fashion was so stupid in the 80's, maybe it's because I did all that cocaine when I was 4 years old that made me want to dress like this." Or "CRAP I'M ALLERGIC TO BEES". Or "Wu-Tang Killa Bees. Wu-Tang is fo-eva muthafucka! Wu-Tang Financial: Diversify your bonds, bitch!" Or "Does that guy have a turd for a face?" Or "Awwwww, cute wittle pussycat!"

Well not me. I think, "Oh damnit, who the hell let Stryper join the party, Stryper is terrible. Christian Metal is the worst." Seriously, these guys once passed off as a hair metal band. WTF mate? Holy Nikki Sixx they once had the most requested video on MTV! Honestly!

Cock Rock is supposed to be bad ass. Sex, drugs, and Rock and Roll baby. THIS is the time period where that rang the most true. Nikkie Sixx once died from an overdose and then was revived! Ozzy Osbourne peed on a line of ants then snorted them! Stryper released an album called "To Hell With the Devil"! NO! GUHHHHHH.

Let's look at where they got their name. From this bible quote: "But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed." (Isaiah 53:5) Guhhhhhhhhh. No no no no no no no no. If you're gonna use a bible quote as the inspiration for your band name, do NOT use something like that. Use something kick ass like: "And the watchman told, saying, He came even unto them, and cometh not again: and the driving is like the driving of Jehu the son of Nimshi; for he driveth furiously..." (2 Kings 9:20)

YES! BAD ASS! This is the inspiration for the band Drive Like Jehu's name obviously. Drive Like Jehu is the most underrated band in the history of bands. Drive Like Jehu is kick ass. Drive Like Jehu would rock the shit out of Stryper. Drive Like Jehu makes me want to chew on stainless steel, Stryper makes me want to eat Honey Nut Cheerios. Drive Like Jehu has awesome songs called "Bullet Train to Vegas" and "Here Come the Rome Plows" while Stryper refused to make heavier music when their fans asked for something more edgy. Guhhhh Stryper sucks. Yea verily, Drive Like Jehu is righteous and bad ass.

As the first commenter says: Holy Fuck, Bullet Train to Vegas! Holy Fuck indeed, my friend.

Milwookie

2007-04-26T20:56:00.000-05:00

So tonight the Milwacko roomate and I went across the street to the local sports bar Champs. Before I get into the details of that I think I've finally found a better pictorial representation of the business roomie here. Jake Plummer was a tad too handsome and unfortunately so was this guy:

But now I think I may have found a MUCH more suitable picture:

This picture is SPOT the fuck on son. I bet Mark Lee has much more stylized sunglasses and much less mustaches these days.

Anyway, back to the story, which really isn't that great of a story anyway, we were at champs watching basketball and hockey and shit and I was like damn, I haven't seen any chicks in a while. Seriously, there's only about 12 out of the 80 people in the office I'm working at here. And the only hot one was brought in for the same work that I was from India! She's not even local! Why? Because all the Brookfield/Milwaukee area women are Milwookies. That is my new name for them. And come on, I'm working with a sample size of 3 locations, my work, Champs sports bar, and the mall across the street (Brookfield is the best!). The following is a recap of the women I met and the conversations we had at Champs (and if I didn't actually have a conversation with any of them, I just made shit up about what I thought it would have went like. At least one of these is real though.)

1st Girl of the Night: Leslie
Picture I took of Leslie-

Leslie:"I'm actually a really big hockey fan I love hockey and watching the men with no teeth it's really the best sport out there baseball isn't that much fun to watch although people say it's a lot of fun to drink beer to and I really like beer especially MGD that's my favorite but don't you think hockey guys with no teeth are just the cutest and I really just like black eyes too what's your favorite hockey team?"
Havok: "The-"
Leslie:"Because mine is the Red Wings even thoooooooooooo we live in Wiscaaansin-" blah blah blah blah you get the idea.

2nd girl of the night: Tina
Picture of Tina:

Tina:"What are those there green thingamajigs on your plate? They sure don't look like mini-brats to me!"
Havok:"Um, they're green beans, they're a vegetable. Shit woman, I need vitamins. How the hell am I supposed to rock without that shit?"
Tina:"Oh dear I didn't know you could get those here I thought the only vegetables you could get were cheese curds."

3rd Girl of the night: Marsha
Picture of Marsha:

Marsha:"Can you pass the butter thingys please?"
Havok:"Sure, here you g- wait...are you gonna put that on that piece of pie? Who puts butter on a piece of pie? That's not really healthy for you."
Marsha:"Hey I didn't say anything about the salad you ordered."

4th girl of the night: Bertha
Picture of Bertha: (She's the one on the left)

Bertha:"Come here you cute little businessman and lick the mustard outta my cleavage! I just wanna put a brat in my mouth IF YA KNOOOOO WHAT I MEAN!"
Havok: (Running the fuck out the door)

In fact , it's pronounced "mill-e-wah-que" which is Algonquin for "the good land."

2007-04-23T21:16:00.000-05:00

Quick post with first impressions from my day in Milwaukee. I am actually in Brookfield which is a western suburb of Milwaukee. As far as I can tell, there's nothing here except for chains and malls. I work across the street from a mall and the closest restaraunt is a Buttfuckers (read: Fuddruckers). The workday is normally 7:45-4:15 here. 4:15!!!! Can you imagine getting out that early! Holy crap!

My apartment here is real nice. Fully furnished, with everything, huge bedroom, my own bathroom with 2 sinks, a completely useless loft, a balcony with no grill. I have a roomate here. His name is Matt and he is from the Phoenix office. He is 23 years old, went to Stanford and sports a moustache with no sense of hilariousness or irony. It's just there to make him look good. Seriously. No, really. In fact, he kind of looks like this:

Anyway, he's a really really nice guy, couldn't be more kind and in his spare time he said he "likes to go to Barnes and Noble and read books" so we should have a lot to uhhhhhh talk about.

Chicago Cubs vs St. Louis Cardinals April 22, 2007

2007-04-22T20:59:00.000-05:00

Today was our first bleacher game of 10 this year. Since it was Cubs/Cards we got there 2 hours early to get good left field seats for Pooholes home runs. Yes, I'm a Cubs fan and I said Pooholes home runs. This is because Wade Miller was pitching for the Cubbies. Wade Miller sucks nuts. We set the total home run over under for the game at 4. I took the over and predicted 7 HR which turned out to be spot on. This is because Wade Miller was pitching for the Cubbies. Wade Miller sucks nuts.

Fun stuff during the game:

Chris Duncan was playing left field for the Cards. This guy took a ton of harrassment from the Bleacher Bums. Favorite insults: "Duncan you're a Yo-Yo, why don't you go walk the dog!" "Duncan Donuts! Make you fat!" "Duncan, your mom eats hot dogs!"

I don't like to make fun of girls physical appearances but I think we saw the worst boob job ever today. These things were just not right. They looked like inflatable elf shoes near the neck. Just awful plastic surgery.

Anyway, real fun game with lots of scoring. Highlight of the game was when Soriano pinch hit in the 9th and then DeRosa knocked him home to tie the game and send it to extra innings. The Cubs still lost in the 10th, but it was a fun game. Cardinals win 12-9.

Cubs record in 2007 when I am in attendance: 0-2.

Pitchers:
Cubs - Wade Miller
Cardinals - Adam Wainwright

Singer of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame": Robbie Gould (such a nice guy!)

Top Ten Things Last Night's Mini Golf Course Was Missing

2007-04-20T14:27:00.000-05:00

Hot damn do I love mini-golf. Last night my friends took me mini-golfing and thanks to the jello shots and tequila shots in my system I was able to win. Alcohol helps my handicap. However, this was a very serious course which leads me to this post:

The Top Ten things that last night’s Putt Putt course was missing:

10. A Giant ass T-Rex

This is for nostalgia purposes, a personal thing. There was this course by where I lived AND a course outside Boston that both had a huge ass orange T-Rex for no freaking reason. I mean, the hole was just straight with a T-Rex standing over it. If you hit the ball straight you would get a hole in one. Completely pointless and I love it.

9. A strangely puce colored ball that you have no idea how it got to be that color so you HAVE to take it. Although, they did have black balls at this course.

You know what I’m talking about. You immediately regret picking this ball within 3 holes.

8. A hole that was wayyyyy too long and took forever to play and that if the course had been crowded would have bottlenecked like crazy causing us to do stupid shit like use our golf clubs as ninja weapons causing someone to get hurt which I actually did anyway last night when there were no people on the course

7. More holes where you shoot it in the first hole and then it goes down a tube to the actual hole which is on a different tier.

These are totally awesome. The best are the ones that have multiple subholes to choose from. You just never know where the ball is gonna end up!

6. An 18th hole that either lets you shoot it into the clowns mouth for a free game or at the very least sucks your ball down.

This is necessary so that when I play with my brother, and we tie, he will get really pissed that we can’t have a playoff hole to determine the actual winner.

5. Those mats that have the 3 holes on them at the start of each hole which really serve no purpose because you just pick the center hole every time.

Ok, maybe in rare instances do you choose the left or right hand hole.

4. A Theme

OK there was this totally awesome mini golf course in Lake George, NY that had an around the world course that was 18 holes and an around America course. It was totally sweet, had an Egypt hole, France, etc. Pirate’s Cove also does a good job with this.

3. Holes where your ball can go in the water and you have to use that huge ass pole to fish your ball out and almost fall in during the process

The best is when your friend DOES fall in hehehehehehe. See: alcohol.

2. Signs at every hole talking about Pirate Adventures or some shit like that

The alcohol, combined with the lack of signs last night, cause me to never have any clue what hole I was on. Come on! What if this is the hole about the CURSE OF REDBEARD THE PIRATE! Build the suspense! See: Pirate’s Cove again.

1. A Windmill

The staple of every trashy putt putt in America.

The Spirit Journey Formation Anniversary is Now

2007-04-20T11:12:00.000-05:00

And so, at 11:45 AM on this day, April 20th, 2007, the 24th Spirit Journey Formation Anniversary did occur. And a song of utmost righteousness was performed:

Deep within the womb of time,
a creature thus be born
The seed of life is united with
the egg of tyranny
Gestates forth from within the womb of life
for three-quarter and nigh a year
The creature thus be born!
The creature thus be formed!
And ye of years...
Twenty Four
Will chime!
When the heavens open up
and drink from the silver cup
The creature thus be born!
And blow the magic horn!
To alert the spirit deep within the cycle of life.
The creature has begun it's journey deep forlorn,
upon this day which he be formed
In the sea of mucus the spirit rides down from the mountain
and unites with the creature in the womb
A holy union, dark mortality, until the dark mortality
breaks the chain of life
The creature thus be born
And every year raineth down the celebratory tears
A celebration of the years
from mere mortal sky

Dawning of the Day of Havok

2007-04-19T17:14:00.000-05:00

Artists rendition of the day after Havok's birthday

Tomorrow marks the 24th time that the Earth has completely revolved around the sun since Mama Havok done spit me outta the womb. Since the revolution of the Earth around the Sun is totally bad ass, this is cause to celebrate. In fact I’ll give $5 to the first person that gives me taco kisses.

Suggested songs for tomorrow include, but are definitely not limited to:
Nothin’ but a Good Time, Paradise City, Kickstart My Heart, Pour Some Sugar on Me, Wake me up Before you Go-Go, Unskinny Bop, Girl Money, Dr. Feelgood, Highway to Hell, Back in Black, Welcome to the Jungle, Whorehoppin’ (Shit Goddam), etc.

(one of these things is not like the other)

Hibachi!

2007-04-19T16:55:00.000-05:00

Dancin like Hibachi!

So back in November, some of my friends wanted me to join their fantasy basketball league. Well, last night concluded the league and who won the league?...

BOOM! My team HIBACHI won the league! I am the super-mega-awesome-kinglord of fantasy basketball and all must bow to my fantasy bball prowess. It’s probably because I’m so much more ghetto than all of my friends.

To put this victory in perspective let’s look at my record for the year. In 24 weeks of play my team was a staggering 22-1-1 and my category record was 101-57-4. That’s called TOTAL FUCKING DOMINATION. That’s 1 week away from a league naked run. Don’t get me wrong I have a lot of respect for the managers of (the teams that placed 2-4) everyone, but that is ace.

So who is my team MVP?

Why HIBACHI himself of course, Mr. Gilbert Arenas.

Agent Zero is by far the most bad ass player in the NBA. His blog is even funnier than mine (if not intentionally so). http://aol.nba.com/blog/gilbert_arenas.html#070322_01

The man even has Gilbertology, the study of Gilbert Arenas devoted to him

http://www.gilbertology.net/

Where does the name Hibachi! come from? Agent Zero started yelling Hibachi! after every shot he took because he was just so damn hot, just like a Hibachi grill. How many websites does Gilbert read? None, except for his own blog.
I love Agent Zero.

The World if Havok were a Rapper Part 1

2007-04-18T22:08:00.000-05:00

This post will be short because I am tired and want to go to bed, but today, a startling revelation occurred. I can not ignore rap music, as it remains a staple of American culture right now, but you have to admit, rap totally sucks balls right now with only a few exceptions (Ghostface Killah and MF Doom anyone?). About a year ago I created a rap song. It's pretty much the freshest thing every created. So then a few days later my friends and I were hanging out on the street. It was pretty much a normal day, I had my acid wash jeans rolled up to my shins and was wearing my super awesome blue wifebeater. Two hotties rolled up on bikes having some lame conversation about hips or something. They turned out to be cool though and they even jammed with me for a bit. Here is a video of the proceedings:

So yeah, does that song sound familiar?

MIMS YOU BASTARD YOU STOLE "THIS IS WHY I'M HOT" FROM ME AND I'M GONNA SUE YOUR ASS! LISTEN TO THE LYRICS! THEY'RE THE SAME!

Guhhh.

(Remind me never to post again when I have absolutely nothing to say and have been watching ABC Family)

Chicago Cubs: Cubs vs. Reds at Wrigley Field April 15th, 2007

2007-04-15T16:51:00.000-05:00

So since I live in Wrigleyville and will be going to 11 or 12 Cubs games this year, I've decided to document each game in this blog. None of these posts will be particularly funny, unless if you find the Cubs to be comically bad, but this will be the only way I can remember all of these games. That probably means I will write a lot of these summaries drunk. Fun!

Today was Jackie Robinson day at Wrigley Field as well as every baseball stadium in America. This was very moving for me because they handed out pamphlets about Robinson to every fan and when I had a snot rocket in the 5th inning I was able to use the trivia page in the pamphlet as a tissue. I'm not sure what I would have done without Jackie Robinson. Legendary.

Today's opponent for the Cubs was the Cincinnati Reds. I thought the "Reds" is a ridiculously stupid nickname, until I saw their logo:

Ken Griffey Jr. prefers you call the team "Commies"

So anyway, I have nothing interesting to say about this game because the final score was 1-0 Reds and the Cubs sucked balls. Well everyone except for Theriot, who has three hits. Fun fact about Theriot's name: everyone pronounces it "Terrio" but I have decided it's supposed to
be pronounced "The Riot" and I think this is my decision so CALL HIM THE RIOT.

Cubs record in 2007 when I am in attendance: 0-1.

Pitchers:
Cubs - Ted Lilly
Commies - Ryan Lohse

Singer of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame": Brady Quinn (so hot!)

The Great Operation Battle

2007-04-14T13:55:00.000-05:00

So we have 4 friends enrolled in the Northwestern Med School right now. I'll change their names to protect their innocence. We'll call them Vince, Justin, Andy, and Jon. Last night I was at a bar with my friends and this bar was loaded with old board games, one of the games being Operation. We decided that we need our med school friends to have an Operation battle. Immediately, my money is on Vince. Having lived with Vince in the past, I know his true abilities and he is second to none. Matt has his money on Andy, Chuck has Justin, and Fat Tony has Jon. They are idiots clearly. Vince is the master and will prevail. I will blog about this again once the battle happens, but for now, GOOOOOOOO VINCE!

Ogresmash: The Stinky Stinky

2007-04-12T18:55:00.000-05:00

Warning: Do not read this post. It is disgusting and juvenile. I just need to get this off of my chest. (Editors Note: that is not a Cleveland Steamer joke) At least it has no gross pictures though.

I'm coming up on having worked for my company for 2 years now and there are still a few things I just don't get. First, I do not understand the work fart etiquette. Sometimes I get bad gas after eating Chipotle and I need to belt out a monster fart. I just know it's going to be loud too, the air pocket builds in my large intestine. What am I supposed to do here? Just let it out? That would be rude for others, but it's MY CUBICLE not theirs so what the hell is the big deal? What's the etiquette here? Your thoughts are appreciated in the comment section.

Second, today was about the 10^th or so time that I've gone into a stall in the bathroom and there's been a dookie and toilet paper still floatin' around in there. What. The. Fuck. Ok obviously everyone poops, except for girls. Oh, and that one guy's girlfriend that we nicknamed "The Dumptruck" in college. Sooooo, there's only 3 possibilites here.

Some dude forgot to flush 10 different times.
Sniper Shit.
Someone clogged the toilet. Someone clogged a fucking industrial toilet.

I will explore these one by one

First, the forgetful flusher. I don't know what to say about this one. This guy is just a forgetful asshole.

Second, the Lee Harvey Oswald shitter. There are some rules about sniper shitting. It's just not OK in the work setting. I mean, I'm at work, why make my day shitty (no pun intended)? Situations where the sniper shit is appropriate: College. Come on, living in a fraternity, you gotta sniper shit at least a couple times. Like, if your cook makes "cholesterol casserole" for dinner; it's sniper shit time! Don't want your hallway to endure the aftereffects of that! Hiroshima the 4^th floor! Or if someone on the third floor drinks all your Old Style; punish his toilet with an Old Style Sniper Shit! But never sniper shit in work damnit.

Third, the toilet is so full of it, it's gotta be named the Dick Cheney shit. How the fuck do you clog an industrial toilet? Going back to the fraternity house, we restocked all of our toilet paper. There was a kid who once used an entire roll of toilet paper for one shit. TWICE. I had to tape a sign to the door asking for the double flush. WHY CAN'T YOU DOUBLE FLUSH? It's REALLY simple! And why the hell do you need that much toilet paper?! Do you have a gatling gun buckshot anus? Lordy, lighten up on the paper and save a tree you asshole!

Ogresmash: The Ten Commandments

2007-04-10T10:44:00.000-05:00

Now I know what you're thinking based off that title. OH NO HE'S GONNA GET ALL PREACHY ON US! How the hell can Havok possibly convince me that murdering isn't bad? Well I'm not gonna talk about the actual commandments no matter how goddamn stupid some of them seem.* (God seriously includes oxes and asses as things not to covet. And while not coveting an ass seems like brilliant foreshadowing, because what girl doesn't want a little junk in the trunk these days, no one cares about oxes anymore. God is not hip, that should be changed at least to bell bottoms so that God can be as much with the times as the Catholic Church is. Run-on sentences are the best.) No today I'm going to talk about the movie, the Ten Commandments, starring Charlton Heston and the overall story leading up to the creation of the commandments. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0049833/

OK, my problem is that Moses is a dumb ass. To fill those in that don't know the story, Moses is born a Jew, but his mom pulls a total inner city Detroit and leaves him in a river. Some sterile Egyptian bitch related to the Pharoah finds him and raises him and he competes with Ramses to be the next Pharaoh. Moses is the George Michael to Ramses Andrew Ridgeley and he's gonna be the next Pharaoh until he finds out he's a Hebrew.

OK Let's stop right here for a second. This is a pretty big revelation. You're Jewish. But you're gonna be the next Pharaoh. No one knows you're Jewish except you and your mother. What do you do next? Here are the options as I see them:

1. Don't tell anyone and just be Pharaoh.

Option 1 would be pretty kick ass. You get a tits life as Pharaoh. Lots of pyramids in your honor. A legacy for the rest of your life and thousands of years to come. But, if you have a heavy moral pulse, this would suck having "your people" be slaves to build your shit. So that's the downside. Oh, and you'll go to hell if you believe in that sort of thing.

2. Don't tell anyone and when you become Pharaoh, yell "GOTCHA BITCHES!" and free the Hebrew slaves.

Frees your conscience this way.

ANY OTHER DECISION IS STUPID. So what does this asshole do? Tells everyone he's Hebrew and nearly gets his ass killed. Lotta good that would have done jackass, now your people can't be freed. Guhhhhhhhhh Moses is an idiot.

Yeah this seems like a WAY better idea than just becoming Pharaoh and freeing everyone.

SIDE NOTES FROM THE TEN COMMANDMENTS:

Because I am a pervert, it took me 2 hours to realize that bondage = slavery and not S&M sex. That may seem like a long time, but this movie is 6 hours long, so it's not.

When God takes the form of the burning bush to talk to Moses, he speaks slowly and slurs his speech. I'm pretty sure this symbolized that God was drunk at the time.

After having 5 opportunities to free the slaves, and choosing the hardest way possible to go about freeing them, Moses leads everyone around in the desert for 40 years. Seriously. Dumb ass.

*Note to self: Refrain from breaking commandments when establishing an opinion about them in the future.

The Douchebag Girlfriend/Boyfriend Theory

2007-04-03T22:34:00.000-05:00

The Ultimate Douchebag: John Mayer

80% of my audience (4 out of 5 people) have heard this theory before, but it bears repeating and needs to be published. This will be the first theory I write on this blog of many to come. Most of the theories have been scientifically proven true, but some are still open for debate. This one falls into the former category; it is absolutely 100% megasuperawesome true and is nearly impossible to prove false.*

The theory: By the time they reach age 24, every person has dated, at some point, a male or a female with a douchebag name. You must have dated at least 2 people to rule out nerds that have never dated, the psychos that married the first person they ever dated, and Michael Jackson.

Examples of Male Douchebag names include, but are definitely not limited to: Tanner, Brody, Conner, Cody, Toby, Ethan, Tristan, Jackson, Gavin, John Mayer, Brayden, Carter, Dane Cook, Blake, the name of anyone in Cirque du Soleil, etc.

Examples of Female Douchebag names include, but are definitely not limited to: Madison, Addison, Bertha, Diamond, Heaven, Misty, Jasmine, Joey, Apple, Madonna, Olivia, Destiny, Trinity, Jennifer Lopez, Mackenzie, Faith, etc.

Note that just because this might be your name, it doesn't necessarily make you a douchebag, it just means you have a douchebag name (John Mayer, Dane Cook, Madonna, Jennifer Lopez excepted).

Seriously, ask anyone who they've dated, everyone's got a douchebag name in their past. They might deny it, but then you just remind them about Todd and BOOM it's done.

*Theory may not actually be true about every guy dating a girl with a douchebag name due to lack of research, but I'm pretty sure it is. It's definitely true the other way though.

The History of French Rock and Roll

2007-04-02T14:14:00.000-05:00

Today, instead of bringing you tall tales or funny stuff, I'm going to write a completely nonfictional post. I am going to present you with the history of French Rock and Roll music from the beginning to the end non-stop. I will cover every detail of punk, prog, pop, and so forth. So let's begin!

The obvious place to start is Serge Gainsbourg. Gainsbourg blended Jazz, ballads, mambo, lounge, reggae, pop (including adult contemporary pop, kitsch pop, ye ye pop, 80s pop, pop-art pop, prog pop, space-age pop, psychedelic pop, and erotic pop), disco, calypso, Africana, bossa nova and rock and roll to create a unique sound which he used to write songs about wanting to have sex with his daughter.

This concludes my piece on the history of French Rock and Roll, in which I have cited every single relevant French rock artist in history.

Fine.

What? You seriously thought the people that brought us Cirque du Soleil have had any contributions to rock and roll, or anything bad ass for that matter? Please.

Cock Rock: AC/DC

2007-03-30T16:58:00.000-06:00

Today is Angus Young's birthday. For those of you that don't know who Angus Young is, go sit in the dunce corner for an hour and drink whiskey and then come back and read the rest of this post. Angus is the pint sized school boy outfitted crazy ass lead guitarist of AC/DC and today is his birthday! Appropriately enough, when I was in New Orleans last week, some girl did a strip tease in a random bar on bourbon street to an AC/DC song. Today, in honor of Angus I bring you that song.

Thunderstruck

And since Angus is possibly the greatest guitar God of all time and a crazy bastard, there will be another video, my favorite AC/DC song of all time.

Let There Be Rock

If you could pick any 10 moments in time to be there in the crowd you might pick something like Moses parting the red sea or the Berlin Wall falling or something. Not me, that performance would be in there for me. That solo at the end gets me every time.

37 or 38 Things to do in Chicago

2007-03-30T15:52:00.000-06:00

People always have no idea what to do. This list should help. At least 30+ of these are actually feasible and have a low budget. Don't ever complain that you're bored again.

Yes I came up with these while staring at the clock on a friday afternoon, so sue me.

Erect Statue of Kirk Fogg in Kirk Fogg’s honor
make origami
learn to crochet
go swimming in the lake
go to one of chicago’s fine drinking establishments
play a game
have a jam session
get everyone to sit in a large circle and give each other back rubs
go bowling
go to a poetry reading
brainstorm ideas for a novel
walk my neighbors dog
go tp’ing
buy a do it yourself book and do it yourself
buy lots of ingredients and cook fabulous desserts
play loud instruments outside a retirement home
watch (NAME REMOVED FOR INNOCENCE) make out with grandpa death
invite over coworkers for a make out party
everyone reads their favorite story in the bible and acts it out
buy a set of legos and don’t stop til our spaceship is built
or a 3-D puzzle
look at magic eyes
cut the top off an empty soda bottle then go catch a caterpillar and a get a milkweed plant and watch the caterpillar metamorphasis into a beautiful buttefly
go to sonic
rent every single wrestlemania and watch them in a count down to wrestlemania 24 which happens Sunday night and eat 3 seven pound cans of pudding to satiate ourselves
rent purple rain and sing along
use on demand karaoke and sing lightning crash by Live 3 times
LOTHT drinking game
putt putt (or mini golf)
decide who is a better actor once and for all, corey Feldman or corey haim
watch the transformation of Elizabeth berkeley from saved by the bell innocent to showgirls tramp
go to a bologna factory and learn how it’s made
play charades
play hide and go seek at hawthorne place
discover the wonders of our IMAAAAAAAAAAGINATION
play guitar hero
actually learn how to play guitar - (wait, scratch this one)
make clay pots while listening to the righteous brotheres

The Legend of Alligator Bugaloo

2007-03-28T15:47:00.000-06:00

While in New Orleans, I happened to go on a canoe trip in the Bayou. While there, I met a man who goes by the name of Alligator Bugaloo. Alligator Bugaloo wore gator boots, black jeans, a beater, and a black bandana. On his face was a short black as coal beard, and from his left hand pocket hung a knife. He spoke in a thick, southern drawl, and had a tattoo of a skull marking his right shoulder. He was, the biggest bad ass I have ever met in my entire life. The following is my account of our meeting and subsequent adventure.

Kenny Havok: Nice to meet you Mr. Bugaloo. Kenny Havok here AIIIGHHHH FUCKING JESUS WHAT IS THAT?

Alligator Bugaloo: Hi, Kenny. Never mind him. That’s just an alligator on a leash.

(Takes a swig of Coors Light)

KH: Shit! How do you hold down an alligator on a leash? That’s a 9 footer! Can’t that thing MOVE?

AB: Well…he could…but he knows who his daddy is. (Takes a swig of Coors Light) If he try to go back to the swamp he knows he gonna get wrassled. And ain’t no gator beat Bugaloo b’fore. NO GATOR. (Finishes Coors Light)

KH: Damn. How often you feed ‘em?

AB: Live chickens, three times a day. It’s damned difficult to get the chicken in his mouth before he bites yer hand off. (Chugs entire Coors Light)

KH: Okay…well let’s get going here. I have some gator wrasslin’ to learn and some canoeing to do!

(We get in canoes and paddle into the murky obsidian colored bayou. Alligator Bugaloo drinks 5 more Coors Lights. It’s peaceful for awhile. Too peaceful…Alligator Bugaloo spots a 12 foot gator mama protecting its eggs and instructs me to get out of the canoe. I reluctantly oblige. Alligator Bugaloo drinks another Coors Light.)

AB: That there is a beauty. Yer in luck today. Normally I take horse tranquilizers so I don’t go all batshit crazy on the gators. Dried myself out yesterday, though. Makes me a mean ole sumbitch today. Withdrawal and everything.

KH: Are you sure it’s a good idea to go after the mother gator? Why not just go for a random one that might be less hostile.

AB: SHOW YER TATERS YA YANKEE SUMBITCH!

(Alligator Bugaloo pushes me toward the alligator. Immediately, it is pissed and lunges at me to defend her nest. I fall to the ground at the thrust of Alligator Bugaloo’s push and the Alligator bites me. It takes a small chunk out of my forearm. I am shocked.)

AB: COME ON YANKEE!

(The alligator lunges at me again. I quickly spin out of the way and hop on its back. Alligator Bugaloo throws me a Coors Light. I puncture a hole in the can using the gators teeth.)

KH: AWWWWWWW MEAT!

(I shotgun the beer. Like Popeye and spinach, the beer multiplies my strength 100 fold and the fact that I am drinking a damned Coors product fills me with a venomous rage. I suddenly remember that I am also, a huge bad ass. I pick the gator up by the spiny bitch’s tail and whirl it at a tree. The gator is furious. It charges at me. I reach into my pocket and pull out a ball point pen from my hotel. I jab the pen into the pressure point behind the gators eye effectively killing it.) Editors Note: You can actually kill a gator this way, proving this is a true story.

AB: WAHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Blackened gator nuggets for everyone tonight.

(We haul the gator into the canoe and paddle back. We get back on land.)

AB: Hey, Havok, check these out. (Lifts shirt, exposes belly and chest.) WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah! Give me what I need, daddy!

KH: Jeezum Crow!

AB: Kenny, chere, just reach in the big tub of beads right there and toss a few this way. Come on, I’m working it here. (Shakes self side to side violently, his skin exactly the color of gator boudin.)

KH: Um, yeah, here ya go. (Tosses beads in bloodsoaked fistfuls.)

AB: Hey, don’t you have something else for your friend here? Little extra lard for the roux, you know, if you’re gonna be cribbin from Papa Bugaloo’s mental kitchen here?

KH: Honestly, I’m havin’ a hard time understanding what you’re saying here. Also, you do realize an alligator bit me right? And that I’m profusely bleeding? You are aware of this, right?

(Striking woman enters)

Rosie is a mean woman

AB: Hey, Rosie! Bring that twenty pounds of fine, gumbo-fed assmeat in here and jiggle up the Havok a 48 oz. Hurricane! Vite, my sweet, this boy has a gator bite! So like I was sayin’, a little lagniappe before we yap…

(Rosie leaves)

KH: Just some water will do. I don’t wanna go crazy again. And maybe a band aid. A large band aid.

(Rosie enters.)

AB: Ah, Rosie! You fine piece of fuckslam…I want to make love to your sugar brown ass right here on this desk in front of beer chuggin’ gator wrasslin’ Kenny Havok. Strip it off for me, you mindbending assmagical she-devil.

Rosie: Hm.

(Leaves drinks on desk, turns and exits with ass floating in tractor beam wobble behind her.)

KH: She know you’re talkin’ to her like that?

AB: Ah, that voodoo octaroon GONNA BE THE DEATHAHME YET!!! (Spills drink, collapses in chair.) Lady Claire told me she like to got a piece of my hair when I got here, used it to put the loveroot on me. Now I got to keep my hair under this protective hat all the time. White’s the color of protection in santeria.

KH: Isn’t that a Sublime song? What’s going on here?

(Alligator Bugaloo starts dancing. A snake lurks nearby and slithers towards him. I spot it, pull Alligator Bugaloo’s knife from the shaft and chop its head off)

AB: YOU ARE ONE CRAZY BASTARD! You’re not so bad yankee, thanks fer killin’ the python in the grass.

(Alligator Bugaloo picks up the snakes and walks away. He comes back 5 minutes later with a belt made from the snake.)

AB: A partin’ gift for the Havok!

(He gives me the belt. We exchange contact information and I return back to New Orleans. Later, I realize that his contact information is a bottle of spit.)

THE END OF A TRUE STORY.

Cock Rock: Kickstart My Heart

2007-03-19T22:38:00.000-06:00

Attention all doctors: If I ever slip into a coma, or have heart troubles or really any health problems for that matter, please play Kickstart My Heart by Motley Crue for me. It is guaranteed to cure me, for I am made of 10% flesh, 50% brain, 75% heart, and 100% rock and roll. I mean look at the song name, it leads itself to disease curing.

Ogresmash: Middle Aged Women

2007-03-19T22:01:00.000-06:00

Now I am a young male, liberal and (semi?) intelligent. I am by no means a misogynist and I love the company of women aged 18-30ish. I don't know what I would do without the fairer sex. But, it's no secret that my worst fear is middle aged women. I know it's difficult to picture Kenny Havok with any fear, but it's true; I'm scared of middle aged women. This new pontiac commercial is just killing me, it sends me into cold shivers every time I see it. In it there's a middle aged women who tells me N-O no I can't get a convertible! Then she wants to know what's next an amp? And she MOCKS THE DEVIL HORNS! Listen bitch, when you start mocking the cock rock, you're gonna get my foot so far up your ass I might lose the Zubaz. But really, what is wrong with you? All you want to do is watch Oprah, censor music, prevent me from buying a bad ass car and kick ass amp, and talk to your friends about how other kids are a bad influence on your kid. Oh boo fucking hoo, your son (who is probably named Conner or Tanner, but that is a WHOLE OTHER POST) is getting a C- in math because other kids are a bad influence! NO BITCH, it's because he's got your dumbass genes in him. Don't you have to go be scared about killer bees and bird flu and other fake problems only you care about? Leave me alone to rock!

Let's examine the age groups of women:

Aged 0-18: They're kids, they're supposed to be annoying as hell regardless of sex.

Aged 18-30ish:

Smoking Hot? Check
Like to party? Check
Have a sense of humor? Check
Have shown signs of intelligence? Check
Are generally a ton of fun? Check

I happen to like women my age.

Aged 30ish-60ish:

Drive a minivan? Check
Name their kid douchy names? Check
Hate music not recorded by people named Norah Jones? Check
Watch Oprah? Check
Are afraid of everything? Check
Are unable to process coherant logic? Check

I wonder if he realizes he's married to Manbearpig?

Women aged 60ish-beyond:

Give you totally awesome shit like small jars of good and plenty's and cough drops? Check
Give you $5 all the time even when you're 23? Check
Like watching cartoons? Check
Get drunk easily with no regrets? Check

Luckily things even out and women become awesome again in the later years.

And she's hot too!

I am going to have the worst mid-life crisis ever. This is why I need to take the motorcycle lessons now.

That's the Impression that I Get

2007-03-15T18:54:00.000-06:00

It's March Madness time and everyone's excited about it. Whether they're picking major huge mind blowing upsets like Michigan State over Marquette or they're busy being uncreative and lame and picking no upsets, people are filling out brackets. If you don't, you probably have a Ken Doll private area. Who is my pick? Anyone but Florida. Why? Because Dicky Barrett can't coach college hoops. One of these men coaches the Florida Gators, the other was the lead singer of the Mighty Mighty Bosstones. I bet you can't tell which is which. Oh yeah. Go Albany.

Damn Zubaz look good

2007-02-22T18:57:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I wear zubaz and dress like Axl Rose with a Poison shirt. Worst blog post ever, fuck you it's my first one and I'm figuring out how to do this.